“Nothing is going to get me out of this chair.”
“That’s exactly what is keeping you locked in there.”
I rested my head on my hands, suddenly too tired to be angry anymore.
“Leave, Graham. Just leave me the hell alone.”
“I’ll go, but we’re not done. I’m not giving up on you.”
“Please look after my girls. I can’t do it anymore.”
He sighed, the sound echoing in the room around me.
“Yes, you can. You just need some help.”
He left, the quiet click of the door shutting behind him like a gunshot in the room.
This time, the silence screamed at me.After Graham had left, I rolled around the house aimlessly, unsure what to do with myself now that I had gotten what I asked for. Silence. I used the elevator I hated and went upstairs, sitting in the doorway of the nursery, staring at the empty crib. Across the hall, Gracie’s room was an explosion of pink and white. Stuffed animals were piled high on her canopy bed. She loved it when I would stretch out on the mattress, and she would lie on my chest as I read to her. An ache began in my heart, and I had to move away from the doorway. The door to our room stood open and I wheeled in, immediately hit with Katy’s soft floral scent. It was everywhere. Soaked into the very essence of the room. I stared at the bed. The adjustments she made so I could sleep there beside her at night. The lift board I loathed that helped get me onto the mattress. The special equipment in the bathroom. Everything she had done to help me.
All of which emasculated me to the point I couldn’t even touch her.
She had no idea how I lay awake at night, waiting for her to fall asleep. It was the only time I could gaze at her in the dimness and let my feelings out. My fear and pain. The worry and inadequacies that filled my head. The longing I had for her. The intimacy I missed so much but was too fearful to attempt with her. Getting an erection around Katy wasn’t the problem. Keeping it was. The pain would hit and obliterate everything else. I felt empty and lost. It added to my feelings of being less of a man than she deserved. Still, I couldn’t live without her. The war within my head was endless. It exhausted me, leaving me listless and angry.
In the darkness, I could touch her. Stroke her hair, glide my fingers over her soft skin. Whisper my fears out loud, wishing I were brave enough to say them to her openly. We had always had the gift of communication between us, but now even that was gone.
I knew it was my fault, yet I seemed unable to reestablish it.
Angry and restless, I returned to the den, incapable of stopping the rampant thoughts in my head. The glint off my ring caught my eye and I stared at it, sliding it off my finger and holding it to the light. Katy had had it fixed—the platinum solid and new. Unlike me—I couldn’t be mended. With a roar of rage, I threw it, the metal bouncing off the wall and rolling on the wooden floor. My rage burned hot and bright, and I lost it, grabbing and hurling items. Pillows, magazines, books, everything I could lay my hands on I threw as I cursed and yelled. Stormed at the unfairness of it all. Screamed at God for punishing me now for the way I used to be. Robbing me of the happiness I had found. I kept going until I drained my anger. The few things spared were my laptop and items too high for me to reach on the shelves from this goddamned chair.
And the pictures of my family. Even in my wrath, those were too precious to destroy.
Shattered, I hung my head, clenching my hands on my lap. My fingers felt strange, and panicked, I dragged myself from my chair and, using my hands to pull myself along, searched for my ring. I located it by the corner of the desk and slid it back onto my finger where it belonged.
I looked around at the destruction I had caused. The den was in shambles—a fitting image for the way my life was shaping up. And it was all my fault. I had no one to blame except myself.
Weary and spent, I dragged myself back to my chair, but I had no energy left to pull myself back up. I lay on the floor, watching the sun move across the sky and fade away, twilight descending around me, the silence deafening. Light glinted on a picture frame, the face in the picture staring down at me.
Penny.
The woman who saved my Katy from the streets and accepted me for me. She had helped me find the man inside me who could love, and she entrusted her most beloved daughter into my care. I had adored her, grieving hard when she died. It was she who brought Katy and me together. I had sworn to her I would make sure Katy was looked after and loved.