Giving up, I get out of the tub, and dry off, taking a look at myself in the mirror. Even I can see the glow emitting from me, my skin shiny and filled with a light I haven't seen in years. Feeling so confused, I call my best friend.
“Hey girl. Been a few weeks. What’s been going on?” she asks genuine concern in her voice.
“I have been ok. Sorry it has been so long, but between work and... well I have been ok. Listen, are you working today?” I ask her, hoping she says no. I need to talk to someone, and she is the only person I trust to tell me the truth.
“You are in luck. It’s my off day. Say one hour at Sandy’s pancake house?”
“Sounds good. See you then.” I hang up, feeling better already. Dressed and about to walk out the door, I look around at this life we have built, based upon a carefully laid plan of what we carved out, I can feel the tears building, so many emotions coming at me at once. Wiping my eyes as I hiccup, not able to stop the onslaught of despair. Holding my phone, I begin to dial his number, needing to hear his voice, but at the last minute, I change my mind and walk out the door.
The drive eludes me. I don’t remember it and everything around me is nonexistent, until I get to the breakfast house. Walking in, I can’t help but feel relief when I see she is already here. I begin to fall apart, knowing I can cry in her presence and she will talk me through it. She stands and pulls me into her arms. “Shhh. What’s wrong Phillipa. What happened?'' I shake my head, not able to talk right now. I simply put my head on her shoulder and allow my best friend to hold me. After I don’t know how much time, I pull myself together enough for us to sit. “Tell me what is going on honey.”
“I… I don’t know what to do anymore. I have spent so much time pulling away from him, locking myself in this…. bubble I have created, protecting myself from feeling anything, that I don’t know how to come out of it.” The honesty is like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
“Hmmm…” she hums, her eyes looking at me like a detective would. She has been good at reading me. Hence the reason we are best friends. Others would look at us, confused about how someone with my degree, wealth and education, could be best friends with a hotel maid. My response would be, you don’t know what someone’s story is, until you know. I was there when her life was right side up and I was there when her life got turned upside down.” Let me guess, you slept with Cord again last night.” Fuck. I hate that she can read me.
“I did,” I say, my head hanging down.
“Why is your head hanging, my friend? He is your husband. You don’t have to be ashamed for making love to him. What is it that is really bothering you?”
“I don’t know what to do now,” I tell her, as everything spills out now.
“Well seems to me, you have finally come to me for some truth...yes?” I nod my head. “I have been trying to tell you, for years, that I thought you were handling this wrong. Cord loves you, honey. Anyone within a hundred-mile radius can see it. Instead of pushing him away, you should be using him as in anchor, Phillipa. It is at times like these, that your vows are the most important. Why don’t you try letting him carry you.” her words resonate within me because they are in essence what he said to me last night when he was inside of me, making a mess of my body and mind.
“I have made the chasm so wide between us, that I don’t know how to fix it. What do I do, Lailani?”
“Start with talking, honey. Just talk to him. Tell him everything you have been feeling. Let him in. Start there.” I let that soak in before nodding my head.
“Your right. It’s time.” I just hope I am brave enough to do it. “Well enough about me. What's been going on with you?” I note she begins to fidget a bit. That is her tell. She only does that when there is something, she doesn’t want to talk about it.
“Oh, you know… same ole’, same ole’.” Oh no. That is not going to fly with me.
“Lani, tell me. What’s going on. Is there anything I can do?” she shakes her head, her headstrong persona coming to the forefront.
“No, my friend. There is nothing you can do. I have gotten myself into a pickle. I met someone, thought it was love and then realized it wasn’t. Except now, I have a souvenir to take with me.” it takes me a moment to realize what she is talking about.