The Christmas Blanket

As it was, it was dark and ominous and not inviting in the slightest.

I turned back to him, expectant.

“Look, you can do whatever you want to do, so long as you leave me alone.”

He went back to reading like I wasn’t even there, and as much as I didn’t love the idea of climbing up into that loft without any help, the alternative was to sit back down on the couch and stare out the window for eternity.

So, with a shrug and a fuck it, I got to work.

I knew River was watching me. It didn’t matter that his eyes never left the pages of his book as I climbed the creaky ladder up to that loft, he was watching me. He hadn’t flipped a page when I peeked down at him once I’d made it to the top, and his jaw was set like it was made of stone.

Stubborn ass.

I used the flashlight of my phone once I made it up into the loft, carefully sidestepping the massive cobwebs that cluttered the stacks of boxes until I found what I was looking for. There were two old and musty boxes falling apart and splitting at the edges, but they were both faintly labeled Christmas.

I smiled in victory.

At least, until I realized I had to figure out a way to get them down the ladder now.

I chewed my lip, lifting each box to test the weight before I looked down at the ladder, and then back at each box.

When I glanced down at River, he was looking at me, too.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” he grumbled, slamming his book down and using the table to hold his spot, just like it had been when I first walked in. Then, he stomped over to the bottom of the ladder and climbed a few rungs, holding his hands up toward me. “Hand them down.”

I wanted to do a little fist pump of victory again, but knew I was testing it already, so I just silently handed down each box with a smile that River didn’t return.

As soon as the boxes were on the ground, River was back at the table and his nose back in his book.

I lugged each box over closer to the tree, taking a moment to warm my hands by the fire. Moose was up and excited again, wagging his tail and sniffing the boxes. I watched him with a smile for a long moment before I opened the first one.

When I did, I lost the ability to breathe.

I’m not sure what I expected. Maybe it was to see some lights, some ornaments, some holiday trinkets from the dollar store in town. Maybe I thought I’d find some old Christmas décor that he’d rummaged from a yard sale. And maybe part of me was curious to see just what kind of décor he’d picked out, once he didn’t have me around.

But I never expected to open that box and see all of our old Christmas décor staring back at me.

I glanced at River once the box was open, but he was focused on the book, and he turned the page just as my eyes found the box again. My hands trembled with my next breath, and I reached inside, pulling out each item one by one.

Our lights, the white and blue ones I’d picked out to go with the theme I’d always wanted on my tree.

Our tree skirt, navy blue with silver and white trim and a beautiful, stitched snowy scene.

Our ornaments — the silver bell my parents had given us, the Santa-hat wearing Star Wars figurines I’d given him as a gift our second year together because I knew it was his favorite series of all time, and even the two little reindeer, one with a bow in her hair, holding each other, with our names and wedding date written in black ink below them.

Our First Christmas.

My eyes stung with emotion I hadn’t felt in years, and when I glanced back up at River, he was watching me.

“You… you kept our stuff,” I said quietly, stupidly.

River’s only acknowledgement was to close his book — softly, this time — and then he made his way over to where I sat by the tree. He reached inside, pulling out one of the Star Wars ornaments and turning it about in his hands.

I watched him for a long moment, wondering why he would have kept them. When I left, I assumed he hated me. He hadn’t fought for me to stay, that was for damn sure, and he didn’t show a single ounce of emotion when I brought up what I wanted, when I asked what he wanted, when I got so tired of waiting for an answer that I gave him an ultimatum.

Come with me…or let me leave without you.

And he chose the latter.