The Christmas Blanket

What did I feel?

“I’m leaving,” I reminded him. “I just… I came to surprise my family for Christmas, but I have a house-sitting job lined up in Corfu. And you…”

River stood straight after pulling socks on, his boots in his hands and his eyes landing hard on mine. “And I’m staying here. In boring Wellhaven,” he added, shaking his head before he gave me his back. “Where nothing that matters to you lives.”

My head snapped back as if he’d slapped me, and I rolled out of bed, wrapping the sheets around me. “Would you stop putting words in my mouth? You’re not even letting me speak.”

River spun on me. “Well, what could you possibly have to say that I’d want to hear right now, Eliza, if not that you’re back, you’re staying, and you want me?”

His chest puffed, up and down, his brows bent severely as he waited for me to respond.

I swallowed, trying to take a tentative step toward him, but as soon as I did, he backed away.

“Why is that the only option?” I asked softly.

I didn’t get the chance to get another word out before he scoffed, turning on me again and stomping toward the door. He yanked his coat off the rack, pulling it on one arm at a time.

“You’re such a stubborn ass!” I screamed, following him. “We were drunk. Wasted, okay? And… and…” I lost steam, waving my hand around, because the truth was that I didn’t know what to say about last night.

Had we been drunk? Yes.

Had we done what we did only because we were drunk?

Would I take it back now that I was sober?

I knew the answers to those questions, and yet still, panic was flittering through me like a thousand angry wasps, muddling my words and making it impossible for me to see straight.

“It’s fine, Eliza,” River said, and this time, his voice was more subdued. His eyes met mine only briefly before he tugged on his hat, his gloves. He paused, opening his mouth before he shut it again, and then he just shook his head and walked out the door.

He had to give it a hard shove with his shoulder, clearing the bit of snow that had been blown over the porch despite the roof that hung over it. But once he made it out, he closed the door behind him, leaving me in the wake of the cold air that had rushed in.

I pulled the sheet tighter around me, staring at the door for a long moment before I looked down at Moose who was whimpering softly at my feet.

“It’s okay, boy,” I said, bending to pet behind his ear.

I just wished I believed my own words.River spent the morning shoveling snow, and I spent it trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

I made a pot of coffee, and considered taking him a Thermos of it, but knew by the way he was heaving snow that he wouldn’t take it. The same way I was sitting with my thoughts to try to work through them, he was working through his own by grunting and sweating and making his back ache.

So, I watched him from the window, holding my coffee between my hands more for warmth than to actually drink. And all the while, I stared at that boy, that man, the one I’d never expected to run into.

The one I’d run away from.

Nothing made sense. Finally, after years of wondering why he didn’t ask me to stay, why he didn’t come with me, why he didn’t fight for me at all, I knew the reason why.

And somehow, it made me hurt even more than when I didn’t know at all.

I was angry with him for not telling me, for stripping away my choice of what to do, had I known all the facts.

And I was thankful to him — for loving me enough to let me go, to shield me from the truth because he wanted my happiness more than his own.

And I was sad. God, I was so soul-crushingly sad. I was sad for the loss he had to endure on his own, for the years we’d lost that we could have been together, for the choice he had to make.

For the lack of choice he gave me.

I had plans. I had four weeks in Greece, and then a job on a river cruise in Austria, and then a three-month hiking trip along the southwest coast of the United Kingdom.

I had a new life now, and whether River had good intentions when he set me about it or not, he had chosen not to be a part of it. And now… now he wanted me to… to what?

I was only supposed to make a pit stop in Wellhaven.

I was only supposed to be here long enough to hug my family and have a little pie.