“Nuh-uh, baby,” I whisper. “That’s not fair.”
“Fair...” she whispers, a sad chuckle leaving her, and finally her eyes come.
Both our grips strengthen at the same time, hers on me and mine on her. It’s instinctual, to hold on tighter, to subconsciously fight for contact we want but can’t have.
“Royce found you,” she rasps. “Where’d you go?”
“For a ride.” I bite at the inside of my cheek, my eyes moving between hers.
“A ride...” She trails off, a shuttered breath leaving her as she pulls her lips between her teeth.
She knows.
“When I left the school, I ditched my phone and GPS. Went straight to the tracks.”
Her jaw begins to tremble.
“Hopped on the first train to pass, got off when it stopped. Did it over again the next day.”
Her head lowers, and she blows out a long breath.
She understands, knows exactly why I chose to ride around on steel tracks.
I needed to feel you, baby, and that was the only time I came close.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my nostrils flaring as hers grow red. “This is on me, all of it.” Everything I just convinced myself of goes out the fucking window, and the words fly from me. “I never should have agreed to this. I never should have let him have you.”
“Stop.”
“You can’t be anyone else’s when you’re already mine, Raven. And you are. Mine.”
“Maddoc...” she croaks, and when her eyes fall so do her tears.
“I’m not asking you to hurt him,” I whisper as I slide closer, our knees now touching. “But, baby... I want you.”
“I’m pregnant.”
Her words are a rushed, harsh exhale, and my hands fly from her so fast she flinches.
I fall back on my heels, only to tumble to my ass.
I stagger to my feet, falling over once more, but I catch myself on the edge of the bed, only to stumble against the cabinets near the door. I tug it open and fall into the hall.
“Maddoc, wait!” she shouts, but the door closes me off from her.
My head slams against the wall and my cheeks start to shake.
I bite into my gums, until blood coats every inch of my mouth, slipping onto my lips. I squeeze my eyes shut, anger boiling as moisture invades the corners of my eyes.
Slow, heavy footsteps echo down the hall and I know they’re coming, but I have nothing in me to shake off this feeling, whatever the fuck it is.
I have nothing in me, but I’m not numb. Every inch of me aches, every fucking muscle is ready to tear, stretched to its max, and the tethers to my fucking heart are right there with it. I’d swear there was a hand inside my chest, squeezing, pulling, ripping it from my body if I didn’t know better.
“Madman?” Royce urges.
“M-m.” I shake my head. “No.” I scrunch my face up and push off the wall, blindly punching the one across from me before opening my eyes and storming down the hall.
I go straight for the elevator.
Right before the doors close, a hand slides in, forcing them to open again and Victoria stands glaring at me.
“Get the fuck away from me,” I growl, blood falling from my mouth.
She steps inside, pushing the close door button only to pull the emergency handle the second we start moving.
She turns, her brown eyes hard and focused on me. “Don’t talk. Listen.”I’m still staring at the door, tears falling down my face when it opens, but it’s not the boys like I thought it’d be. It’s Rolland.
He’s slow in his steps, slipping his jacket off as he grows closer, setting it on the bed as he passes by. He grips the thigh of his slacks, tugging them up as he leans down in front of me.
His eyes are grave, earnest, and just as green as his son’s, it’s hard to look, harder to look away. His hand reaches out to grip my forearm, slowly, as if I might jerk away, but something has me leaning in. My face drops to my hands and I let them fall to his shoulder.
“What have I done, Raven?” he whispers. “Did I destroy my family?”
I shake my head against him. “This is beyond you. This goes back, way before you and everything after hit your blind spots hard.”
“What blind spots?”
“Your boys,” I rasp, taking a chance on what must be true. “Her.”
He tenses but only slightly. “I did love your mother, Raven.”
“Of course you did. She was a lone apple in a starved kingdom.” I sniffle. “Full of delayed poison. Like a fucking extended-release pill, hits you slowly and over time. Just as soon as it’s almost gone, when she’s finally out of your head, boom. Another blow burns in your veins.”
“I was just a boy, she was the first girl I cared for, so even though I couldn’t stand her later, I couldn’t stop trying to protect her in some way over the years.”