Code Name Ghost (Jameson Force Security 5)

That sets me back on my heels a bit. I’ve been so concerned about how Malik is taking everything I hadn’t bothered to assess my own thoughts on the matter. I mean… I generally know what I feel, but is it healthy?

I take another cleansing breath so I can focus. “Okay… I feel something for Malik. A lot of things, actually. Empathy for what he’s been through. Respect for the same thing. We both lost something in Syria, so we have a bond because of it. While I’m not sure exactly of the why of it, I can tell you it’s incredibly deep. Almost metaphysical. Additionally, I’m attracted to him as a woman is attracted to a man, in a way that has nothing to do with anything that happened in Syria. But I feel guilty about it, because my husband died only six months ago, which makes me feel shallow and disloyal. It makes me think I should just take the easy way out by maintaining nothing but a friendship with Malik, but it’s hard when I know he is at least attracted to me in the same way. Plus… add that he has some misgivings or doubts, same as I do. Is this even a place we should consider going?”

Corinne nods thoughtfully, seeming to consider my words. “It is a lot on you right now. Malik, too. You’ve both experienced trauma and grief, and you’re still processing those emotions. Ideally, it’s not the best time to act on romantic feelings, which can get garbled up with the other emotions.”

An overwhelming sensation of disappointment hits me, and I drop my gaze down to my lap.

“I can see it bothers you,” Corinne murmurs. “Which is certainly telling. But I said ‘ideally’ it’s not the best time to act on those types of feelings. Doesn’t mean it’s a hard-and-fast rule.”

I jerk my head up. “So I should go for it? Or at least confront the possibility of a relationship with Malik?”

“I didn’t say that,” she replies carefully. “It just means there are no rules. But there are perils you need to be aware of. You also need to have an understanding that starting a relationship with Malik, given what you two have been through, could potentially be difficult to navigate.”

What she says makes sense, but it doesn’t address my most pressing concern. I can hear the pleading in my tone when I ask, “But is it wrong? Am I being disloyal to Jimmy by feeling attraction to Malik?”

“Did Jimmy ask you to never get married or be happy again if he died?” she counters.

“We never talked about it,” I admit.

“Well, do you think he’d want you to stay single forever—to stay true to him?” she presses.

The answer comes to me immediately. “No. He’d want me to be happy, no matter what that happiness looked like.”

“There you go,” she says, waving a hand. “If Malik makes you happy—and Jimmy would have wanted that for you no matter what—it seems to me it can’t be wrong.”

Seems fairly straightforward. I sink back into the chair, mulling it over, but I quickly realize that’s only half the formula. “Still doesn’t mean Malik is okay with any of this.”

“That’s something you’ll only figure out by talking about it with him,” she replies with a pointed look.

I sigh. “If he would quit avoiding me, I would. It’s hard to talk to him when he’s jetting off to New York.”

Grinning, Corinne rises from her chair. “He’s back.”

“What?” I exclaim, popping up.

“I was upstairs about an hour ago, and he was just getting back. Said he was going to grab a workout before hopping in the shower.”

I pivot to stare at the floating staircase that leads upward. If he’s still in the gym, I could potentially corner him… force him to discuss this with me.

“Be prepared,” Corinne warns. I turn to give her my attention, the hair on the nape of my neck rising at the tone of her voice. “He may not be able to get past his concerns the way you have. If not, you need to be accepting of that.”

I swallow hard past the lump of foreboding clogging my throat. “Understood.”

I’d never do anything to make this harder on Malik. But I don’t want him to ignore this, either. Better to rip the bandage off, then staunch the flow of blood thereafter.

“Thanks, Corinne,” I say, moving toward the door. “I think I’ll go up to see if I can have a talk with him now.”

“Good luck,” she replies.

?

The fourth-floor gym has been a haven for me over the last several months. I’ve always been into working out, even as early as high school where I played volleyball and ran track. My dedication to fitness is how I knew I’d be a good soldier, and why I wasn’t intimidated by joining the Army. The Jameson gym is how I got the baby weight off after Avery was born, and I still use the facilities whenever I get the chance. For the most part, my workouts have to be done at home because of Avery, but whenever I have extra time, I can be found at the gym—either running on a treadmill or doing strength training with weights.