A bit of anger started to thrum through her system. “Salvage the part of the relationship where you get sex and I’m not any part at all of your real life? Thanks a lot. That’s a hard pass from me, but go find the Mirandas of the world. I’m sure they’ll play the part you want.”
“Part?”
Anger felt so much better than desolation. “Yes, the part where your significant other is sweet and agrees with you and makes your life comfortable and you never have to fight and life never changes.”
He squared his shoulders, standing right in front of her like a boxer facing his opponent. “Is that how it is? I’ve got to wonder why you stayed. If I took everything and gave nothing back, why were you with me?”
A million tart, nasty responses shot to the tip of her tongue. Because you give great orgasms. Because I’m obviously a masochist. She dropped all of them because anger hadn’t worked, either. A deep sense of sadness flowed over her. “Because when you loved me, really loved me, I was a better person for it. Because I could open up to you and finally figure out who I am. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not only you. Maybe it was what happened in that ER. If you’d met me before that day I would have taken what you offered and not thought much more about it. I certainly wouldn’t have lost the best relationship of my life over a sixteen-year-old girl, but this is Waterloo. This is where I stand and plant my flag, and you don’t understand it, but I do it because I love you and I love her and I can’t watch the two of you let one moment wreck the rest of your lives. Because I want more now. You made me want more. In the end, I’m going to walk away because I love me now in a way I didn’t before, in a way you taught me I could. I can’t accept a half life and you shouldn’t, either.”
He stood there, staring at her. “I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Because you’re not ready. Maybe if we’d met at another time things would be different. I wish you luck.” She felt the tears on her cheeks. Stupid tears, but they were there for a reason. They were there because she’d loved him. They were there because she loved herself, too. That was the crazy thing. She’d discovered she couldn’t love anyone until she was okay with herself. “I’m going to work now.”
“I won’t say anything,” he said as she started to walk away. His words made her stop and turn. “About us breaking up. If anyone asks, I’ll tell them it’s none of their business.”
“I’ll do the same.”
“And I wouldn’t ever say anything bad about you. I know you’re good at your job. I’m grateful you’re here. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Damn, Lila, I don’t want to do this.”
But he had to because he wasn’t ready to move on. That was the saddest part of all. He’d helped her. She was ready to step out of that terrible moment and move on with her life and he wasn’t. She hadn’t done the same for him. In the end, she wasn’t the woman who could bring him out of himself.
Her sister’s words came back. She’d loved him. He hadn’t loved her the same way. That wasn’t his fault. “It’s going to be okay. If we try, we’ll get through this and we’ll be able to look at each other and not feel bad.”
“I’ll always regret losing you.”
She turned because there was nothing left to say.* * *• • •
“Hey, Armie. You going to play or sit there and look at your cards?”
Armie came out of his misery long enough to stare down at the cards in his hand. King, queen, suited. He glanced at the three cards on the table. A queen and an ace and a two of clubs. Nice hand, but the ace made him nervous.
It didn’t fucking matter. He mucked his cards and sat back. “I’m out.”
It had been four days since he’d spoken to Lila. He saw her regularly. She’d taken to walking Peanut around the town square during her lunch break. He found reasons to be outside the station house during the noon hour so he could nod as she passed by. Her walks were getting longer and longer as people around town stopped and asked her questions. He was certain that was what they were doing because they inevitably pointed to some body part and then Lila would get that look on her face that let him know she was being patient.
When would he stop thinking about her every second of the day?
Rene stared at him across the table. It had come down to the two of them in the hand. Major and Remy had already dropped out. “Either you are getting very good at reading me or your head is not in this game.”