Not Meant To Be Broken

Over the fighting, I’d briefly forgotten why everything had started. Of course, Brittany chose that moment to step out of Zach’s room, dressed in black skinny jeans and a leather jacket. She looked amazing. I averted my gaze, feeling empty and tired. She left without another word, for which I was grateful, but her mere presence had revved up the tension between Zach and Brian by several notches. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I tried to sound casual.

“You promised not to bring any of your sluts here.”

“Brian!” I hated that word. “This is Zach’s apartment as much as it is yours. He can bring whoever he wants. And only because a girl goes home with a guy doesn’t mean she’s a slut.”

“The girls Zach usually chooses are.”

“The girls aren’t any worse than Zach. You could just as well call him a slut.”

“He is a male slut,” Brian said. “That’s why I wanted you to stay away from him.”

Zach leaned against the wall, his jaw tight. “I’m here, you know? And I like sex, so sue me. What’s your problem anyway? Don’t tell me you visit Lauren several times a week because you like her jabbering. You go there for sex.”

“My problem is that you’re messing with my sister. I don’t care if you screw around. I don’t care if you don’t realize how pathetic that is. But I care about Amber. So stop pretending that you give a shit about her, when clearly you don’t. I won’t let Amber be another notch on your belt.”

I was done with this conversation. Without another word, I entered my room and closed the door, then leaned against it, eyes closed. I supposed it was good that I knew what I was at with Zach now before I got really emotionally invested. More emotionally invested? Who was I kidding; I was already helplessly in love with him.

***

I was on my way out of the apartment for a Sunday morning walk to clear my head, when Zach jogged after me, dressed in sweatpants and a tight black t-shirt. He was barefoot. “Amber, please wait.” I’d avoided him since our awkward confrontation yesterday. But Brian had left the apartment late last night and hadn’t come back; he was probably with Lauren. “I really need to talk to you.”

I hesitated. “Why? You don’t owe me an explanation.”

“But I want to,” he said, his eyes pleading.

“Okay, but I wanted to go on a walk.”

“I’ll just put some shoes on. I’ll be back in a sec.”

***

We sat down on a bench in the park beside the apartment building. Neither Zach nor I had said anything in the five minutes it had taken to get here. Maybe Zach hoped I’d start the conversation but I didn’t know what to say. I brought up my knees, pressing them against my chest. A chilly breeze picked up, ruffling my hair and sending a shiver down my back. My naked feet were cold in my Converse. Zach didn’t seem to mind the freezing temperatures. His hoodie was probably warmer than my thin jacket. “So,” I began, wanting to get past the awkward silence. I rested my chin on my knees and tilted my head to look at Zach. We sat on opposite ends of the bench, almost a foot between us. Part of me wanted to scoot over and snuggle up against Zach’s strong chest. Maybe it was for the best that I’d fallen for a guy I couldn’t have. That way, at least, I could experience a crush without actually having to risk a relationship.

“I’m sorry for yesterday.”

“Why?” I frowned. “It’s not like you aren’t allowed to bring your girlfriend to your own apartment.”

“Britt isn’t my girlfriend.” He sighed. “Never mind. That’s not the point.”

“Then what’s the point?”

“I shouldn’t have brought Britt to the apartment. I shouldn’t have met her at all.”

“Why?” I whispered, caught up in his intense gaze.

He stared down at his lap, his brows drawn together. “Fuck,” he muttered, then grimaced. “I’m not good at this. I really like you Amber.”

Hope flooded my body, but I couldn’t let it make me a big deal out of nothing. I gave a small shrug. “I like you too,” I said. “You’re my brother’s best friend.”

His eyes flickered over my face. “That’s not what I meant. I don’t like you like a friend.”

“You don’t?” I wanted to reach out and trail my fingertips over the dark stubble on his jaw. I wanted to lean close and draw in his scent – a mix of peppermint and something spicy.

He angled his body so he was facing me. Now there were only a few inches between his knee and my foot. And still I wanted to scoot closer. I should have felt uncomfortable, maybe even scared. Zach was a formidable appearance with his tall frame and muscles, but when I was around him, the possibilities seemed endless, as if happiness was actually in my reach, as if I could grab onto it if I only stretched out my hand. Zach made me hope for something I’d thought out of my grasp, he made me long for something I’d dreaded for so long.

“Amber, I’m attracted to you. I want to be with you.” My breath caught in my throat. He must have misunderstood my reaction for fear because he turned away, his shoulders sagging. “I know you probably don’t feel the same way, and maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

I laughed, and Zach frowned at me. “You didn’t scare me. At least not in the way you probably think.”

“I’m confused,” he said with an adorable expression. There was a dimple in his left cheek I wanted to kiss. In my head, I always wanted, wanted, wanted. I wished I could actually go through with it.

“I’m not scared of you,” I said, and I realized it was true. Even though I knew Zach was much stronger than me and was physically capable of doing what those men had done, I knew he wouldn’t. “I’m scared of how you make me feel.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

“No. I’m scared because you make me hope for something I thought I wasn’t capable of. I’m scared of hope.”

Zach looked lost. “I’m not good with subtlety. I know women always want men to figure out what they mean without spelling it out, but I really need you to spell it out for me. I don’t want to mess this up.”

I smiled. “I don’t want to be just friends. I want more.”

“More?”

“I think I’m falling for you.” The moment the words left my mouth worry twisted my stomach. Why did I have to say I was falling in love for him? That was probably a huge red flag for most guys, but especially for Zach from what I knew of him. But I was done being cautious. The last three years caution and fear had been my prison. I wanted to break out of them. I needed to.

Relief filled Zach’s face. “Good.”

“Good?” I whispered.

“Yeah, because I think I’m falling for you too.”

My heart exploded with joy. I bit my lip, unsure of what to do now. Zach’s eyes flitted toward my lips, but he made no move to kiss me. I knelt on the bench and eased closer to Zach. He froze, his eyes never leaving my face. My knees bumped his thigh, his heat radiating through our clothes. I rested my hand on his shoulder, felt the muscles flex under my touch. Slowly I leaned closer and touched my lips to his in a feather-light kiss. Nerves fluttered in my stomach. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. I braced myself for an onslaught of bad memories, but none came. There was only the softness of Zach’s lips, his warmth, his scent. I pressed my other palm against his chest, feeling the steady beating of his heart. His hand, which had rested on the armrest, touched my waist very lightly. I jumped and Zach pulled back immediately. “Too much?”

I snatched up his hand and put it back to the same spot on my waist. “No, it’s okay. I was only surprised.”

I wasn’t sure anymore what was too much. Zach made me believe that maybe I could break down every single wall that I’d built around myself after the incident. Walls that had seemed impenetrable, walls that had dominated my life for years, that had isolated me to the point of utter loneliness and despair seemed suddenly conquerable.

I didn’t try to deepen the kiss, neither did Zach, though

he probably wanted to. Eventually, I sat back on my haunches. “So,” he said, a smile slowly building on his face.

“So.”

“Does that mean we…” He trailed off.

I thought of yesterday, of Brittany in only a towel, of what she and Zach must have been doing before she walked into the living room. “No.”

His expression fell. “Because of yesterday.”

“That too,” I admitted. “But this isn’t a definite no. I just think we need to discuss a few things before we take this any further.” Heat rushed into my cheeks. I couldn’t believe I’d managed to say the words. I felt in control of my fate for maybe the first time in three years.