Dare To Love Again

“That was stupid. For future reference, nothing and no one will ever mean more to me than you and my children. So the next time some idiot tries pulling a fast one over on you, try to remember that. You’re worth more to me than my name or my business, understood.”

Just hearing those words was like balm to my soul. “Does this mean that you forgive me?”

“I’m working on it. You did a real number on me, and after learning everything I now know about your mom and Dana, I guess I can understand a little why you did what you did, but it’s going to take some time for me to come to terms with all of it.”

“I still think you should’ve come to me, and I don’t exactly understand why you didn’t, why you didn’t trust me.”

“It’s not that; I promise it’s not.” I lifted my head from where he was holding it against his shoulder to look into his eyes, hoping that he could see the truth in mine. “I thought I was protecting you.”

“I couldn’t remember all of what she’d done, but I was sure that there was something there to fear, and as it turns out, I was right. She would’ve hurt you had I not left and not just the company, but you physically, she said as much.”

I felt brave enough to cup his cheek without fear of being rebuffed, rejected. And when he kissed my palm, my heart just melted, and for the first time since I came back, I truly felt like things were going to be okay between us. It was almost too much to take in at once, and I broke down in tears.

“Hey, what is it? Are you okay?” That knee jerk reaction, the way he was always there looking out for me, not wanting anything to touch me in any way if he could prevent it is one of the things I missed most about us. I’m still finding it hard to believe that we’re here like this now, even with all the trauma of the morning and reliving the horror of seeing my dad killed.

I tensed up at the memory, only now feeling the full effects of that long-ago horror. “You want to talk about it?” That’s something else I missed about him, the way he always seemed able to read my mind. “I remember his laugh, his smell. He was such a good dad, and she robbed me of him. I’d forgotten all the times we’d shared together until now.”

“After that day, it’s like something switched off in my head, and I couldn’t allow myself to remember anything about him. She kept the rest of my family away from me. I remember my grandmother, an argument they had, but I can’t be sure if that was before or after….”

“Anyway, my grandma wanted me, she was going to fight for me, but then I was on a plane being sent to the other side of the world, and I never saw anyone again. I had aunts and uncles, I think, but I was too young to remember all of them or who was real and who was just a figment of my imagination. Dad had a lot of friends.”

I fell silent as I got lost in memory, and he let me. It was all-raw and new to me as the memories came flooding back in. I could feel my dad’s love as of it were somehow new, and the pain of losing him was raw and real as if I were reliving it all over again. I didn’t even realize that I was crying until I felt Calen’s loving arms around me and heard his whispered reassurances in my ear.

“I’m such a coward. He loved me so much, and I did nothing to preserve his memory. Even now that I know what she’s done, I’m afraid of what it would mean to you and your family if this all gets out. I don’t want you to be hurt by this.”

“Don’t be silly, and it’s not ‘my’ family, it’s yours too, it’s ours. Whatever we have to face, we’ll face it together. Now wipe your tears; we’re here.”

We pulled through the gates of a massive estate that looked vaguely familiar. As we drove down the long winding driveway, scenes, and sounds started coming back to me, and once again, I became choked up with emotion. There was a group of people standing out front, but it was the older woman in the wheelchair that drew my eye most of all. “Grand-nana,” The word was a reverent whisper when it left my lips.

I waited for Calen to help me out of the car, and then we were surrounded. As each person told me their name and reached for my hand, some of them with tears in their eyes, my memory of them came back in bits and pieces. Though I’d been too young to remember them fully, it was enough to know that they had been a part of my life back then.