Gentleman Sinner

Familiar eyes meet mine.

My lungs shrink.

I stagger back and bounce off the chest of another man behind me. ‘Hey, careful, love.’ He steadies me, and I shake him off, watching as the man’s face before me – an evil face – turns from showing shock to delight.

The man who ruined me, who brutally beat me, hasn’t changed a bit. Trystan. His unkempt hair is still hanging over his ears, and his face is still worn in, a sign that he’s still drinking too much. Nausea overwhelms me. He doesn’t fit in here. His black silk shirt looks cheap and old, and his black trousers ill-fitted. He looks like a man who’s trying to make an effort to fit in and hasn’t quite gotten it right. What’s he doing here?

‘Well, isn’t this a surprise.’ He sneers, taking my arm tightly. ‘I’ve missed you.’ The sound of his voice feels like a needle piercing my eardrum, pain searing my head. ‘You’re below a classy joint like this. Trying to go up in the world, huh?’

I’m paralysed, the ground coming up and swallowing me whole, giving me no escape from my wretched past. My frozen form just makes it easy for him to seize me, and he starts to drag me through the club, my feet tripping over themselves as I try to pry his clawed fingers from my wrist. I wait for someone to stop him, to intervene, but everyone is too rapt by the violence happening beyond the bars of the cage. I fight in vain to break free, but he’s too strong. I’m going nowhere.

I look back, seeing the distance between me and the dressing rooms growing. Then I look for Jess where I left her at the bar. She’s talking to the barman, only just visible through the crowds. ‘Jess!’ I yell, but my voice doesn’t even dent the noise of the club.

I yelp as I’m yanked with a painful jolt to my shoulder towards the door. I can’t let him get me out there. I can’t let him get me on my own, can’t go back to those dark days. I spot two men at the entrance, and hope fills me. They’ll see me. I’m about to call to them, to get their attention, when I hear Trystan curse. I’m shoved into a hidden alcove in the lobby area, his hand over my mouth, the stench of cheap cologne invading my sense of smell. The scent is familiar, and it’s overpowering me, encouraging the unbearable flashbacks. Sneering, he pulls his hand back, and I close my eyes, cowering, waiting for the blow. The sound of his palm connecting with my face explodes in my head, and my cheek bursts into flames, the sting radiating through me, the pain familiar. Tormenting images bombard my mind, taking me back ten years to a time I’ve fought to forget.

An attack of memories forces my eyes open, and I come face-to-face with him. Eyes closed, eyes open. In this moment, there is no escape. His hand cups me over my jeans, and I whimper. Then he grabs my breast. ‘They’ve grown.’

I choke on my sob, vibrating against his body pushed close to mine, shaking my head frantically. He smiles. It stirs the repulsion in my stomach, makes me gag into his palm. ‘Tell me, have you learned any new moves?’ Letting my eyes close again, I do what I haven’t had to do for so many years. Detach myself. Blank my mind and feelings. And, Theo’s face is suddenly all I see in my darkness. His hard, cut, angry, handsome face. I breathe in as I feel Trystan’s hand moving its way down to my inner thigh. Polluted. I’ll be polluted again. It’ll take me years to cleanse myself, to feel clean and normal again.

No.

I won’t be that girl again. I can’t be that girl again.

I don’t know how, but I find strength in my fear, my knee coming up and meeting his groin with force. I wrench myself free, shoving him away, and run as fast as my legs will carry me back into the main club.

Two of Theo’s security men are thundering towards me, both of their eyes taking me in as they approach. I hurry past them, my face down so they can’t see my spooked expression, and then aimlessly fight through the crowds, seeing the Ladies’ toilets up ahead. I push my way in and slam the door behind me, immediately regretting coming this way. He’ll come after me. I’ll be trapped in here. I stare at the door, waiting, my heartbeats pounding in my ears. I chance a quick glance at the mirror, seeing a girl I thought I’d never see again. A scared girl, pale, with wary eyes and a shaky body. Marks on her face. Marks . . . everywhere. My hands go into my hair and grip harshly, my breathing getting more fraught and panicked. No. No, I mustn’t let myself go to those places of terror again. He doesn’t have that power over me any more. My body disagrees, trembling terribly, my heart hurting from the vicious pounding. Think. Think. Think.