I close my eyes and focus on breathing. I can’t think, let alone dredge up a sunny smile to put him at ease. I don’t even know what the truth is anymore. How am I supposed to feel? Guilt and sorrow and grief and, yes, love, have created a tangled mess in my chest.
Gods, I love Malone.
“What’s wrong with me?” I give a broken laugh. “Why her?”
“Aurora.” She hesitates, but it’s too late. We’re standing in front of Hades’s office and there’s no more time. Allecto gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Do you need me to stall?”
“No. I’ve got this.” I don’t sound the least bit convincing, but she doesn’t call me on it. Allecto just gives me another squeeze. “Do you need the training room or a bottle of whiskey?”
“Both?”
The concern on her face deepens, but she nods. “Change after you’re done with him, and we’ll spar first. Then you can drink yourself goofy.”
“Thanks.” I try for a smile, but it feels more like a grimace. Then I push through the door into Hades’s office before I can think too hard about it. Better to just rip off the bandage and get this over with.
Hades pushes up from his desk and rounds it before I make it halfway across the room. He stops in front of me, and for a moment, I’m sure he’s going to take my shoulders, but he manages to restrain himself. He runs a critical eye over me. “You look terrible.”
“Thanks.”
He shakes his head slowly and points to the couch on the other side of the office. “Sit.”
There’s no disobeying that tone of voice, and I don’t particularly want to. I manage to make it to the couch before my legs decide they’re done carrying me. The horrible empty feeling in my chest doesn’t fade now that I’m back in familiar territory. If anything, it gets worse.
It hurt to lose my mother, to finally release the hope that she’d ever wake up. The grief still clings to my skin, mixing with guilt. But losing Malone feels like someone pressed a shotgun to my chest and pulled the trigger. I have a gaping hole where my heart used to be, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep walking around as if I’m a whole person. I’m not. I have the sneaking suspicion that I never will be again.
Hades comes and sits on the other side of the couch. That’s when I notice that he’s got two glasses and a bottle of his best whiskey. He sets the glasses on the table in front of us and pours a healthy splash into both. “Drink.”
“I’m supposed to spar with Allecto after this.”
“No, you aren’t.” He nudges the glass toward me. “You’re going to drink this. We’re going to talk about why you conveniently forgot to inform me that you chose to take your mother off life support right before accepting the assignation with Malone. After that, you’re going to sleep.”
I lift the glass, hating the way my hand shakes. “You’re being bossy right now.”
“Don’t do that.” His voice goes harsh. “You have been here nine years, Aurora. You know what I am, and you know where my lines are. So drink your fucking whiskey.”
Realization rolls over me in slow waves as I sip the whiskey. Hades isn’t angry. He’s…worried. For me. Worried to the point of being scared. I blink at him, trying to reconcile the unflappable man I’ve known a full third of my life with the one sitting a few feet away, looking like he’s about ready to start shredding his way through the office. “When did you find out?”
“A few days after you left. The facility called me to inform me that the payments would be cancelled going forward as they were no longer necessary.”
Ah. That explains it. “I’m surprised you didn’t send someone to collect me the moment you found out.”
“Believe me, I tried.” He glares at his whiskey. “Meg and Allecto refused to accept the order. Tisiphone supported them.”
Even Hades can’t ignore it when all three of his Furies unite to draw a line in the sand. I take another, larger, drink of whiskey. “Poor Hades. Sometimes it’s a pain in the ass to be king.”
“We’re not talking about me.” He searches my face, and I have no idea what I’m showing him. My shields lay in pieces at my feet. I can’t rebuild them. I simply don’t have the strength. His expression softens. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Against all reason, that is what has my throat closing and my eyes burning. I blink rapidly and drain the rest of my glass. I haven’t eaten today, and the whiskey warms my stomach and is already giving me a delicious, floaty feeling. Maybe that’s why I tell him something I’ve never told another soul. “I was starting to resent her. That’s horrible, isn’t it? I just wanted her to wake up, and the longer it went on, the more I started to hate the weight of carrying that hope.”