“Let it out, Ryan. Tell me all of it and get it out, son,” I whisper, my own tears joining his. My son is hurting so deeply and there’s nothing I can do to stop the pain.
I wasn’t there. I let him down when he needed me the most.
“He was going to punish me, but Rory wouldn’t let him. When he told her she could take my punishment she said she would… and I let her, Daddy. I let her.”
Fucking hell.
“Ryan—”
“He had me and he was going to hurt… hurt me and Rory, she tried to stop him, she begged and…”
“Bub, son… Don’t—”
“He let me go and I hid behind her, Dad. I hid.”
He says that like it tortures him, and it probably does. I don’t know what else to do other than hold him. I do… tightly, willing him to feel me through everything as he relives his misery.
“Wolf grabbed me, he pulled me away from her and made me stand there. Rory begged him to let me go to my room, but he wouldn’t. He wanted me to watch her get hurt. And… I wanted to go. I didn’t want to stay Dad. I didn’t want to watch.”
“None of what you just told me makes you weak, son. You are still young. Adults are supposed to take care of you. They’re supposed to protect you. That’s what Rory did,” I tell him, my voice clogged with emotion and tears that I’m shedding right along with Ryan now. I knew it was bad… but fuck… I had no idea. When Crusher told me that Rory lost the baby. When he said King had beaten her… I didn’t allow my mind to dwell on all of the different scenarios in my mind. This is worse than anything I ever imagined, and he hasn’t even told me the whole story yet.
“The monster is supposed to be an adult,” Ryan whispers, as I drag my fingers through his hair, continually trying to calm him.
“Some men are evil, son. It doesn’t matter how old they get.”
“Like the Green Goblin?”
“What?”
“He always tries to kill Spiderman,” Ryan sniffles. If my heart wasn’t breaking, I’d smile.
“Exactly like Green Goblin,” I whisper instead, kissing the top of my son’s head.
“He ripped her dress off Dad,” Ryan says pulling away to look at me. His lips are trembling, and his eyes hazy with memories.
“Ryan don’t—”
“He pushed her down and he ripped her dress and he started hitting her with a belt. It sounded so loud on her skin. I tried to break free to get to her, but I couldn’t. I was going to try and save her, but I couldn’t get free. I wasn’t strong Dad.”
“You were. Tell me the rest of it. Get it out and then I want you to forget, Ryan.”
“I won’t ever forget,” he says shaking his head back and forth.
“Rory would want you to forget, she wouldn’t want you to remember, Ryan. Tell me the rest and then let it go. Don’t hold it in anymore,” I tell him, even while wondering if I’m doing the right thing. It sounds good in theory, but what if reliving everything makes his memories worse? What if telling me about what happened, gives him worse nightmares? He seems to sleep soundly with Rory close, but something has to wake him up before he gets in bed with her. What if telling me everything makes it so he can’t even sleep? I’m trying to do what is best for Ryan here, but there’s another side of me that needs to hear what happened. I need to know just how bad I let the ones I loved down.
“He kicked her and kicked her. Rory couldn’t even fight back, Dad and he laughed when she moaned. He pulled her out of the room, dragging her by her hair. He made Wolf bring me and we followed behind her until we got to the room. She was bleeding. There was a lot of blood and the monster called her a bad name and kicked her again and then… he spit on her.”
“Christ,” I murmur under my breath. My hand shaking from the pain and anger I’m feeling. My tears have stopped and in their place is an anger so raw it may never leave me.
“I bit Wolf because I wanted to try and help her. I was afraid she was dying because there was so much blood. And he threw me on the ground. Rory said my name and tried to reach for me, even though she couldn’t even open her eyes. Why would she do that, Dad?” he cries. “Why would she say my name?”
“I don’t know son. I think maybe…”
“Do you think… do you think it’s because she blamed me?” he cries. “If I had just called him dad… If I had called him dad, Rory wouldn’t have been hurt. If I had been stronger I could have protected us. I could have kept her safe. That’s what you would have done.”