Planting His Seed

I look up in the bathroom mirror and see him in the reflection. He gave me the space I needed, albeit it was only for a short time. Carson isn’t one to stand on the sidelines. It’s one of the things I love about him. He’s a stubborn man, but he knows what he wants and always wants to fix a problem .

But some things just can’t be fixed .

He’s standing by the bathroom door. He’s slipped on his jeans, the top undone, and his feet bare. He doesn’t have a shirt on and his hair is all rumpled. He’s beautiful—absolutely beautiful . He could have any woman he wanted, and he chose me. But that was before, when he thought I could give him babies. With each month that goes by, the hope inside of me fades. Carson has never said anything; he never makes me feel bad about the fact that I haven’t gotten pregnant yet—but I know .

If I didn’t before, I definitely know now. When I went a month without a period and I took that home pregnancy test… His eyes lit up. He was so happy. He hollered, picked me up and… God. It hurts to even think about that day now. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like I’m failing Carson. Worse. I feel like I’m standing in the way of the one thing he wants more than anything in the world. A family .

A false positive. I could curse out that little pregnancy stick for giving me hope. For giving us hope .

“I don’t think there’s anything to say,” I whisper, washing my face, not wanting to talk about it. Talking about it only upset me. Before I would be sad, but now I’m just…fucking pissed .

“The fuck there isn’t. You’re hurting .”

“Nothing you can say will make that better, Carson. You can’t always fix everything .”

“Honey. It’s only been — ”

“It’s been over a year, Carson. It’s time to face the facts. I can’t get pregnant .”

“You don’t know that. Besides, if there’s a problem …”

“I think it’s pretty clear that there’s a problem, Carson,” I answer, suddenly feeling very tired .

“It could be with me. Did you ever think about that, Jenny ?”

“There’s no way it’s you, Carson. You’re too virile and — ”

I stop talking, because I don’t have the answers. The truth is it could be him. Just because he’s the manliest man I’ve ever encountered, it doesn’t mean he can spawn a whole town of babies. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. Whether it’s him or me, the fact remains that we can’t get pregnant on our own .

“I know you went off to college, but I sure didn’t realize you were a doctor .”

“Quit being a smartass,” I mumble, finally turning to face him, because it’s clear he’s not going to let this drop. I tighten the robe I had put on earlier, and let my hands play with the sash .

“Then quit trying to shut me out. I know you’re disappointed, sweetheart — ”

“Don’t try and pretend you’re not, Carson. I was there the day I took that test. You were on cloud nine .”

“Damn it, of course I’m disappointed,” he growls and the pain that slices through me at his words is nearly unbearable .

I lean on the sink because it’s a blow that could bring me to my knees .

“Carson, I think it’s time we talk about separating.” I’m running on emotions right now, saying things I’m not sure I really mean. Maybe I want him to feel the pain I feel, even though I’m sure he does. He just hides it so much better. I love him with all my heart, but I don’t want to be the reason he’s held back .

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he growls and I jump at the anger suddenly in his voice .

“I can’t be what you need, Carson. I can’t give you want you need. And you deserve a family, a big one. I don’t want to be the reason you’re in a childless marriage. I can’t handle that.” I exhale, the words hurting me so damn badly. I don’t want to say them, but I want them out there. I want him to know he isn’t stuck with me. “I think it’s best if we just… separate,” I whisper, choking on the words, my heart breaking. I hold my head down, trying to get control of my emotions, because I feel like I’m dying .

“What the fuck, Jenny?” Carson growls suddenly right in front of me. His hands grab my hips, the pressure bruising .

“Carson,” I gasp, the anger on his face is the likes of something I’ve never seen from him before. My heart kicks against my chest .