“She tried to extort you?” My friend, Lou, snickers through the phone when I explain to her what happened. “That little snot-nosed twat.”
“Lou,” I chastise, choking back a laugh. “Don’t be mean. She’s still my niece.”
“Yes, and she’s also the spawn of the devil,” Lou retorts.
I chuckle. That would make Sara the devil, which would be pretty damn accurate.
“She’s a freaking psychopath. Seriously, you’re way too soft on her,” she continues. “That cow needs to be taught a lesson.”
At least I can always trust Lou to tell it like it is.
We’ve been friends since I stopped her on the street the day I moved here to ask for directions to my apartment complex. She not only walked me there, she also invited herself inside and stayed half the night. It was like we’d known each other forever.
“This is the same niece who tried to seduce her teacher and then cried rape, right?” Lou demands.
“It was more a cry of molestation, but yes,” I concede, “one and the same. Not that I’m defending her,” I quickly add. “I’m just…” I groan and rest my head down on the kitchen counter. “At the moment I don’t know what I am.”
“Embarrassed? Mortified?” Lou suggests.
I shake my head. “No, that would be a normal response to this kind of thing and we both know that I’m far from normal.”
“That’s true.” Lou giggles. “I can’t believe she walked in on you like that. Hasn’t she ever heard of knocking? You must have freaked out when you looked up and saw her there.”
“I was more annoyed than anything else,” I admit. “That’s four times now either Soph or Sara have interrupted me right before the ‘finale.’ I’m starting to think they’re doing it on purpose. Why is getting myself off all I can think about?” I complain.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Lou says with a giggle. “The universe is cockblocking you.” She considers her words for a moment. “Or would the correct term be fingerblocking?”
“Okay, you’re way too amused by all of this.” I shake my head, which is still resting against the hard marble counter. “How about helping me think of a solution, rather than tossing out one witty comment after the next?”
“Wow, I’m touched that you find me so amusing.” Lou gaffaws when I huff into the phone. “Okay, fine, let’s run through your options.” She clears her throat, her analytic side kicking into gear. “How about your car? You could drive somewhere and get the job done? Sit outside the park or something, play some music, get yourself in the mood.”
“Great idea in theory, but knowing my luck, I’d end up on The Sex Offender Registry because I didn’t notice the school I was parked out the front of,” I say, running my hand through my hair. “I’ll be all over the news. I’d never hear the end of it from my mother.”
“I’ve always said you’ve got a face made for TV, and your mom would make a big deal out of anything,” Lou points out. “Han, you’re making this out to be way worse than it is,” she adds. “How about a hotel, then? Treat yourself to a night away. Hell, I’ll even pay for it and you can call it an early birthday present.”
“That’s a pretty serious present,” I say, touched by my friend’s generosity.
“Hey, I didn’t say it would be a nice hotel,” she jokes. “In fact, there’s one near me that charges by the hour.”
“And you’d know that because you’re a regular, right?” I tease. “Seriously though, you don’t have to do buy me a room.”
“I know. I want to, though. You’re my best friend,” she grumbles. “And you’re turning twenty-five.”
“So? That’s not a milestone,” I scoff. “And your birthday is before mine, which means I should be the one buying you the gift card.”
“Maybe, but I don’t need a room to go to town,” she says, her tone very matter of fact. “I can get myself off anywhere. In fact, I used to do it with my jacket spread over me while on the train, on the way to and from work—”
“And that right there encompasses all the reasons why I avoid public transport,” I announce, cutting her off. Then my curiosity gets the better of me. “To and from in the same day?”
“Sure.” She giggles. “And sometimes at work. Hey, remember that birthday dinner you had last year?”
“No,” I gasp. “Tell me you’re kidding? At the freaking table? Lou, you were sitting next to my grandfather,” I chastise, through my laughter.
“And you thought that sappy grin of his was coz it was your brithday,” she teases.
“Oh, God, please stop,” I groan.
“That’s not what he said,” she cracks.
“Shut up,” I beg her, squeezing my eyes shut. “You’re scarring me for life.”
“Fine, I’ll stop,” she drawls, “but take the early gift. It’s the best option you have. Go there, relax, have a little solo fun… you’ll feel better and I’ll feel better because you’ll stop going on about it.”