“I’ll start earlier tomorrow to make up for it,” I say.
The longer he frowns at me, the more I regret asking, until he nods.
“Okay, sure.”
Relieved, I sigh and glance at my watch. It’s four thirty now, so only half an hour to go. I check my list and see our next patient to review is Ben. I’ve been spending a lot of my spare time in with him, just trying to lift his mood and take his mind off how sick he is. I have spent more time playing video games in the last week, than I did my entire childhood.
We walk into his room and my heart pounds. His condition has clearly deteriorated because the usual happy, cheeky boy can barely even look at us today. He manages a weak smile for us, but his eyes are drawn, and his skin is so pale that he’s almost white. I glance at Lewin as he picks up his folder and studies his latest test results.
“Ben. How are you feeling?” Lewin asks. He leans over and messes his hair.
“Tired,” he admits.
“You look it. We’re going to run a few more tests, okay? No more playing Xbox or anything like that, you hear me? You just relax and take it easy for a few days.”
“Did he tell you to say that?” he asks, nodding at me. “I think he’s scared I’m gonna beat his score again.” His eyes are half closed, but he has the tiniest smirk on his cracked lips
Lewin laughs and raises his eyebrows at me. I shrug, not sure why I feel embarrassed.
“Yes, you guessed it.” He nods at Ben’s mom, Marissa, to speak with us outside. She gets up and kisses Ben, and then follows us out of the room.
“It’s not good news, is it?” she asks. She wraps her arms around herself and studies Lewin. He shakes his head.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Marissa. Things have gotten dramatically worse. We probably have forty-eight, maybe seventy-two hours to find Ben a new heart.”
“And if we don’t?” She whispers the words.
“Then we’ll need to look at hooking him up to a mechanical heart, just to give his body a rest.”
“Oh God,” she whispers. She clasps her hand over her mouth, tears filling her eyes. “Please help him. He’s such a special little boy. Please fix my baby.”
“We’ll do everything we can,” Lewin promises her. “You just look after him and let us do our job, okay?” She nods and thanks us, then slips back into the room.
I follow Lewin down the corridor in silence, my stomach twisting into knots.
“Seventy-two hours?” I frown at him. “And how long will he last on a mechanical heart?”
Lewin shrugs. “A few weeks? A few months? It depends on a number of things.”
“So, what do we do about it, then?”
Lewin sighs and stops in the middle of the corridor. He turns to me and shrugs.
“We’re already doing everything, Luke. I can’t magic up a heart for this boy. The fact is, without a hell of a lot of luck—and shit luck for someone else’s kid—he probably won’t see the end of the month.”
I clench my hands into fists as my body tenses. This is affecting me a lot more than it really should. I’m his doctor, not his friend. I look at someone like Lewin, who coasts in and out of here every day, like nothing bothers him. If I get this invested in every patient, I’ll burn myself out.
Maybe I should be reconsidering my whole career path.
“Maybe I’m not cut out for this,” I mutter.
“Because you’ve formed a friendship with a sick kid?” he asks. “You think that makes you a bad doctor?”
“Yes. I can’t detach myself from feeling sorry for that little boy. What if that clouds my judgment? And then I look at you, who can just stand there and tell me he’s probably going to die and not even flinch when you say it.”
“You really believe that?” he asks. He shakes his head and laughs. “If you think I go through this without getting invested in my patients, then you’re wrong. Hell, some of them, like that little boy back there, I actually like. Of course, I feel sorry for him. Hell, if he died, I’d probably even shed a few tears.”
“Then how do you do it?” I press him. “You’ve been doing this for how long? How many kids have you lost? How do you put that aside and move onto the next one and pretend it doesn’t matter?”
“Because for every ten kids that I lose, I might actually be able to save one.” He stares at me, his eyes clouded with more emotion than I’ve ever seen from him. “That’s what keeps me going. That’s what makes me successful at what I do.” He shrugs. “It’s the only way you can look at it because the moment you start doubting yourself, you’re done.” He sighs and pats me on the back. “Go and fix your emergency, Luke. I’m going to organize some tests for Ben, and we’ll take it one day at a time. I’ll see you at eight a.m. tomorrow.”