Becca frowns at me. “What does him living here have to do with having kids? Unless it’s a requirement on your lease agreement?” she teases. I glower at her.
“No, I just mean that asking him to stay is a big deal. It’s pretty much asking him to move in with me. It means things are serious, and if they’re that serious, then this conversation should have already happened.”
“I guess there is some skewed logic in there somewhere.” She shakes her head. “So just tell him, then ask him to stay?”
“That’s my plan. But he might not want to stay after hearing what I have to say.”
“If that happens, then you weren’t meant to be together in the first place,” she says softly. “I’m sorry, but if he can’t look past this, then he’s not the guy for you.”
I know she has a point, but it’s not always that simple.
“So, how are you really feeling?” Becca asks, as if reading my mind. “Not about Luke. I mean in general.”
“I’m okay.”
“I call bullshit,” she replies. “Come on, Loz. I’m the one person that you can whine to without feeling bad about it. Take advantage of me. I’m all yours.” She spreads her arms and nods at me.
“Fine. I’m pissed off and angry. Then when that subsides, I get upset, terrified and jealous and convinced I’m going to end up alone with a thousand cats. Happy?”
“Not really. I hate cats,” she replies. She sighs and wads up her sub wrapper into a tight ball, tossing it at me. “Maybe that’s what you need to tell Luke,” she says softly. “Be honest, show him that you’re hurting too. Don’t take all of the emotion out of it and make this seem like nothing. You can’t have kids. That sucks just as much for you, as it does for him.”
“But I’ve had thirteen years to get used to the idea.”
“And how’s that worked out for you?” she asks. I frown at her, not answering. “Look, all you can do is be honest with him. The rest is up to him.”
“I know.” My heart races as I force the next sentence out. “I’m just terrified of losing him, Becs.”
“I know you are.”
She crawls over to me and gives me a hug, then she wipes away my tears.
“If he’s not the guy, then I’ll marry you and we can have two thousand cats.” She pauses for a second, her brown eyes sparkling. “But just so we’re clear, I draw the line at fingering you again.”
I groan and push her away. “Are you ever going to let me live that down?”
“Nope. Probably not.” She grins.We move inside when the clouds threaten to pour down with rain, and for the rest of the afternoon, we laze on the couch, watching TV and talking. One of the things I love about Becca is that she can distract me from anything. And she has, because before I know it, Luke is due home.
“I better go,” Becca says. “Unless you think me being here—”
“After last time?” I snort. “Go.”
I smile as I walk her to the door. She gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek.
“Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“Thanks, and thanks for coming over.”
I shut the door and sit back down on the couch, tucking my legs up under me. I’m shaking, I’m so nervous. It’s the not knowing how he’s going to react that that gets me the most. I tap out a text, reminding him about dinner, signing it with I love you. I press send and then realize what I’ve done. I stare at the message and laugh, because it’s the first time I’ve ever truly been honest about how I feel.
I love him.
I’ve hit that point, which means I definitely should’ve told him a long time ago.
Luke: I’m looking forward to it too. Work is crazy, but I’ll be home as soon as I can.The minutes tick by and six becomes seven, which turns into eight.
Before long, I’m sitting out on the balcony at nearly nine in the evening, staring off into the darkness. To be honest, I’m relieved that he got held up at work. I know I still have to tell him, but even avoiding the conversation for one more night sounds good to me right now. I don’t even hear the balcony door slide open until he’s standing there, in front of me. I glance up at him, my heart pounding, because I’m not prepared for this. I shiver uncontrollably, only just realizing how cold I am. He walks back inside, returning moments later with a blanket.
“What are you doing out here?” he asks. “You’re freezing,” he adds, wrapping it around my shoulders. “Are you okay?”
I nod, my heart racing as I build up the courage to tell him. He sits down next to me wrapping his arms around me.