I look in the direction she’s pointing and see Lewin waving at me. Thank God. I run down the corridor toward him. I try to read his expression, but he gives me nothing.
He nods through the window of the intensive care unit room he’s standing in front of. Ben lies on the bed, surrounded by equipment, but he’s alive.
“I thought you’d want to know,” he says. “Sorry if I had you worried. These stupid pagers only allow for about three words. He’s stable, and for now, his body is accepting the new heart. Things are going as well as we could have hoped.”
“Thank fuck for that,” I say, breathing out.
Lewin glances at me. “What’s going on with you? I know you’ve been worried about Ben, but you’re even more stressed out than usual.”
“It’s nothing,” I mutter. “Just some personal issues I’m trying to work through.”
“Okay. Well, go home and figure them out.” He frowns at me “If you need to talk…”
I glance at him and choke back a laugh. I couldn’t imagine opening up to Lewin about anything, but I appreciate he cares enough to offer.
“Thanks,” I say.
“Go home and get some sleep, okay? You look like shit.”
Laura wraps her hands around mine. I smile and kiss her on the lips. She hesitates for a second, and then pulls away as though she’s embarrassed to show affection at work.
“Listen to Lewin and go home. Get some rest, okay?” she says.
“What about you?” I frown.
She shakes her head. She smiles, trying to hide the troubled look in her eyes.
“I’m fine. Don’t wait up for me, okay?”
“Sure.”
I watch her as she walks down the hallway, away from me. I have no idea what just happened, or what to do about it. Do I give her space or make her talk to me? That’s the thing. I don’t know. I have no idea where she’s at with the whole Allie thing. We need to talk, but not here and not while I’m running on empty.I walk from my car into Laura’s apartment, texting Abbey on the way to see if we can arrange for me to spend time with Allie tomorrow. I let myself inside and collapse on the couch. I’m exhausted and not even sure I can make it to the bedroom. I glance around, feeling bittersweet at the idea of moving out. I don’t want to leave Laura, but maybe it is for the best. At least until Laura figures out whether Allie is a deal breaker for her. The last thing I want to do is put extra pressure on her and I think by staying here, that’s what I’m doing.
I climb into bed and stare at the ceiling. I’ve got the gnawing feeling that I’m going to struggle to sleep again, only this time, it will be a number of things keeping me awake. Sighing, I reach for my phone to check for a reply from Abbey. I sit up when I see the little message icon.
Abbey: Sure. She would love to see you.
Me: How about the park near the hospital? I take my lunch break at twelve. There’s a playground and ducks there.
I frown. Is eight too old for ducks and playgrounds? I shake my head. I guess I’ll find out.
Abbey: Sounds good. We’ll see you then.
I close my eyes and try to force myself to sleep, which turns out to be even more unsuccessful than every other technique I’ve tried. All I can think about is Laura. She’s still not home, which makes me wonder if she is avoiding finishing our conversation. I know she started early, and while she could be doing a double, it was more likely that she went to stay with Matt, or Becca, rather than come back her. I’m trying so hard to do the best thing for both of us, but nothing feels right. I’ve got the sinking feeling that nothing is going to be able to save us.
#
Between the fatigue, looking after Ben, and the nerves about spending time with Allie, it’s been a killer of a day already, but the moment I see Allie, my mood begins to lift. I wave at them as they walk across the park and over to where I sit. It’s still so surreal to look at her and think she’s my daughter. I made her. How freaky is that?
“Hey,” I say when they’re close enough to hear me.
I smile at Allie, who shyly smiles back at me. She tucks a loose blond curl behind her ear, which makes me smile. All those honey blond curls and that bright grin… she’s definitely going to be breaking hearts one day—which also means I’m going to be breaking some necks.
She stands so close to Abbey that she’s almost using her as a shield. It’s a cold day, much colder her than I was expecting, so I suggest we sit around the other side of the park, inside the small café. Allie walks between us as we cross through the park in that direction. The burst of warmth that hits us when we walk inside, is a welcome change.