He scooped water from his face and slicked his hair back with both hands. “Just trying to get some perspective.”
“On how much of an ass you were?”
Cassian sat down on the grass and patted the ground beside him. “I’m not great at apologizing. Still trying to figure it out, actually.”
I tucked my knees up to my chest, hugging them while I grinned. “Is that what this stunt was? An apology? Because it’s a bit of a weird one. And if you’re trying to put yourself through what I went through, you need a crowd of people to witness it. Also, can you make the water twenty degrees colder, too?”
He chuckled. “Like I said. I’m not great at this. But something I am good at is getting what I want.” He turned his head, meeting my eyes. “Doing whatever it takes to make it happen. No matter how long it takes. No matter how hard it is.”
“I can’t, Cassian. Zoe is really into Clint, and I’m pretty sure if I ever forgive you, she’s going to hate me.”
“You’d be an idiot to choose the guy who made your life hell over the first person to be your friend when you moved here.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Yeah. I would.”
“So why are you still having trouble making up your mind?”
I yanked up a few pieces of grass and then let them fall from my fingers, watching as the breeze carried them into the lake. “Because being with you feels right, even when it feels wrong. And yes, I know that sounds stupid.”
“Nah. I know exactly what you mean. It’s why you’ve gotten me into so much trouble.”
I laughed. “I’ve gotten you into trouble?”
He shrugged. “I’ve been shit on the football field ever since you started wearing those tight little shorts and prancing around our practices. And I could’ve fucked Sophie about a hundred times when she attached herself to me. But once you came back, I only wanted you. You got into my fucking head, Charli. You drove me crazy, and you’re still driving me crazy. I want…” Cassian laughed softly to himself, shaking his head. “I want to know you’re mine, and it feels like everything else I cared about stopped mattering as soon as I realized it.”
“What about the fire? You really forgive me for it?”
“I was an idiot to ever blame you. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I get why a young kid would blame whoever he could for something like that. But I was an idiot to hold onto it for so long. For being too weak to let go of the idea it was your fault, because that would’ve meant having to cope. What about you? What’s it going to take for you to forgive me for how I acted?”
“Oh,” I said with a slightly playful edge to my voice. “That’s going to be tough. It’s going to take a lot of groveling and begging. Maybe some foot rubs—because you know all the track practice makes them ache like crazy.”
I’d been joking, but Cassian had my foot in his lap so fast that I couldn’t even react. He dug his fingers into the arch of my bare foot, massaging.
I cleared my throat. “The foot massage part was a joke. But that does feel good.”
“You can’t joke about letting me get my hands on you, Charli. I’ve barely thought about anything else.” His grip got tighter and his other hand moved up my ankle. My foot was resting on his inner thigh, and I felt a growing hardness there.
My breath caught, and I knew I should pull my foot away, but I couldn’t make myself. “I’ve thought about that day a couple times, too.”
His hand moved up my leg more and I had to plant my hands behind myself, leaning back to avoid losing my balance. I licked my lips. “I don’t know if we should. Zoe—”
“I’ll be your dirty secret, then. Nobody has to know.”
My eyes closed and I tipped my head back. His hands felt so good. I caught myself moving my foot slightly to better feel his length against his leg, which was as hard as a rock now. “She’d never forgive me if she found out. And hiding something from her would feel so wrong.”
“Funny how that works. Isn’t it?”
“What?” I cleared my throat again, feeling awkward. Why was I whispering?
“Doing the wrong things always feels so damn good.” He moved toward me, planting his hands on either side and half-crawling on top of me.
I leaned my head back, which only made me unintentionally lay back in the grass. Cassian was above me, water from the lake still dripping from his chin to the crook in my neck.
“Zoe can’t find out. She’s the first real friend I’ve had in a long time. If she walked away, I’d…”