If I Fall (Unraveling You 5)

This is a good thing.

You can handle this.

Deep down, I know that everyone who hurt me is currently behind bars, sentenced to life in prison without parole. Most of the cult got the same sentencing, although a few people had lesser charges. They’ll still be in jail for decades, and I like to think that I helped make that happen.

Abandoning the boxes I’m supposed to be unpacking, I cross the spacious living room and change the song to “PV” by Seahaven.

“There. Much better.” I return to the boxes, ready to get unpacked and settled into my new life. Then I instantly slam to a halt when I see her in the corner of the room, curled up in a ball.

I haven’t seen her for over a week, not since I ran away from Sage. I think I secretly hoped she may have decided to finally leave me alone.

“N-no, you weren’t supposed to follow me here,” I sputter. “This was supposed to be my fresh start.”

“Why? You didn’t help me.” Her wide, glassy eyes nearly swallow her sunken face. “Why didn’t you help me, Sadie? I don’t understand. Why didn’t you save me?”

“I wanted to,” I choke out as tears sting my eyes. “I swear I did. But I just …”

I don’t know what to tell her. The truth? Then I’ll have to admit it aloud, and I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to utter aloud what I did and didn’t do while I was trapped behind the walls of that awful house.

“I’m sorry.” Guilt crushes my chest. I didn’t even know her name, the girl whose life I ruined. I don’t even know who she is.

“You’re sorry? Like that somehow makes up for it. It doesn’t. Like I’ve said before, you have a lot more to do before you can make up for what you did.”

A shaky, aching breath wrenches from my chest. “You always say that, but I don’t understand. You know what I did. Nothing I do now will ever erase that.”

“You know that’s not true. You just need to try harder to figure it out.” She starts fading away like the ghost she is.

I helplessly watch her vanish, just like I did years ago, when I did absolutely nothing to help her.

I hate myself for it.

Loathe what I didn’t do.

But I’m not sure what’s worse: when I did nothing or did something.

“Sadie, are you okay?” Lila appears in front of me with the last of my boxes in her arms.

I dare a peek at the corner of the room and relief washes over me like warm water. The girl has completely vanished. Although, I’m sure she was never really there to begin with.

“I’m fine,” I lie to Lila, tearing my attention away from the corner. “I’m just a little tired. I think I stayed up too late last night, studying for the test I have to take on Friday. Plus, I’ve been packing.” I shrug, peeling a strip of tape off one of the boxes labeled Books.

Lila sighs, setting the box she’s carrying down. “Are you sure that’s all that’s bothering you? It just seems like …” She glances at the corner of the room, then her worried eyes land on me. “Like you’ve been distracted lately.”

Lately? The last year and a half of my life has been nothing but a distraction. My past being the biggest distraction of all.

Still, I play it cool and force a smile. “There’s just so much going on. I promise I’m okay.”

While I haven’t opened up to my new family about the years I spent locked in that house, I’ve lived with the Gregorys for over a year now, and they’ve started to sense something isn’t quite right with me.

Lila continues to study me with concern. “I know you’ve been working hard to get your GED and to get your own place, but Sadie, you need to make sure you don’t overwhelm yourself. Ethan and I are proud of you, but we’re worried you might be putting too much pressure on yourself to catch up on”—hesitancy crosses her expression—“well, the years you’ve missed out on. But there’s no rush. You know that, right? You have time to just enjoy life for a little while and take things one day at a time. If you take on too much too soon, you could add more stress. You can simply be young for a bit. Enjoy it. Enjoy life.”

Enjoy life? God, how I’m trying. I really am.

“I’m not trying to rush stuff … I just like to stay busy. And I’m not stressed out.” I don’t know that for sure. Stress has been such a natural part of my life for so long that it almost feels unnatural when I’m calm. “I just want to get this GED thing out of the way, and then I’ll take a break and do something youthfully crazy.”

Her eyes light up, and she claps her hands together. “Maybe you could go spend some time with your brother and Lyric for a while when they head out on their new tour. I know they’d love for you to go with them.”

For the last couple of months, Ayden has subtly hinted I should go on the road with him and his band. While I’ve come a long way since I was pulled out of that house, I’m not sure I’m ready to dive into that much of society. I’m already nervous to live on my own. But I know it’s time for me to grow up and start taking care of myself, give the Gregorys a break from constantly stressing over me. They’ve never complained or anything, and they put up quite the argument when I broke the news that I’d be moving out, but they still have three teenagers living at home, too. They don’t need the added stress of a messed-up nineteen-year-old who’s old enough to take care of herself.

Lila must notice the hesitation in my eyes because she adds, “You don’t have to go. I’d never pressure you to do anything, sweetie.” She smooths my hair out of my eyes, acting more motherly than my real mother ever did. “I want you to enjoy life. You deserve it. And I know how much you love spending time with Ayden and Lyric. In fact, he’s the one who asked me to ask you to go with them. I think he’s worried about you being alone when they’re gone. And so am I.”

What I deserve is to fade into the wall with that girl.

“I’ll think about it,” I finally tell her, more to give her peace of mind than anything else.

She smiles, her gaze flicking toward the corner of the room again. For a panicking second, I swear she’s going to ask me what I was staring at earlier.

“And if you don’t go, you’re always welcome to come stay with us whenever you want,” she says. “You’ll always be part of our family, even if we don’t live under the same roof. You know that, right?”

She always worries that I won’t think of myself as part of the family. I don’t think that at all. Foster child or not, the Gregorys have been more of a family to me than my real parents ever were.

My chest tightens as I think about all the pain, death, loss, heartache, and misery my brothers and I experienced from our parents.

But it’s over now.

You need to remember that.

Otherwise, you’ll sink way …

Down.

I shove the thoughts from my mind and give Lila a reassuring smile. “I know that.”

“Good.” She flicks a reluctant glance at the front door. “I really need to get going. I have to pick up the kids from school.” Her gaze lands back on me. “Are you sure you don’t want to go with me? I could drop you off a little bit later when Lyric and Ayden are here.”

“I want to get stuff unpacked,” I tell her. “I promise I’ll be okay on my own for a few hours. I need to get used to it, anyway.”

“Okay …” She seems torn over whether or not to leave, her gaze dancing back and forth between me and the door. “Just promise me you’ll call if you need anything. I’ll try to visit every day. I know that probably seems a little extreme, but I want to, okay?”

I nod, and then she hugs me good-bye. I’m tense in her arms, usually am, ever since being in that house. But I suck in a deep breath to regain my composure, refusing to tumble down memory lane.

After Lila leaves, I busy myself with unpacking my belongings. For the first hour, I’m uneasy about being alone in the condo. Every noise, every shadow causes my heart to sputter.

About seven boxes in, I take a break, get out the guitar Ayden gave me, a

nd settle on the couch. Aligning my fingers to the strings, I strum a few chords. I’ve been playing for less than a year, and I’m not very good, but I find a sense of peace when music surrounds me. It shuts out the outside world, the worried thoughts in my head, the noise, and numbs me into oblivion.

As the song switches to a slower, softer beat, I relax back in the sofa, playing and singing along. Even when the song ends, I continue playing, adding my own words, my own rhythm, creating my own song.

By the time I’m finished, I’m almost in tears. I let a few escape my eyes, giving myself a few moments to let it all out. It’s when I hold it all in, trap the pain inside, that my emotions start to become a real problem.

After a minute of silently crying, I dab my eyes then start to get to my feet to return to unpacking. Suddenly, the front door starts to open.

Panic pulsates through me.

What if it’s them?

What if they’ve gotten out of jail somehow?

What if they’ve come back for me?