“That’s not true, Max! I told you before. I could have got you paroled that day. I know it! You just need to play the system, sweetheart.”
“You need to quit dreaming, Tess. This isn’t a fucking fairytale. There’s no happily ever after coming for me. You need to find a man and get that white picket fence you’ve been dreaming of. It’s not with me. It will never be with me.”
Tears are pulled up from my soul. Each word he utters in that cold, dead voice he’s using, cuts me open and makes me bleed.
“Stop it, Max. Just stop it,” I plead, not wanting to hear this. I’m going nowhere, and he’s wasting our time. He loves me; I know he does.
“Stop what? Making you face reality? I told you that day before this all went down. Don’t you remember, Tess? I told you not to forget who I was. I told you. I’m a murderer. I’m property of the state of Florida. I have nothing to offer you. Nothing.”
“You’re my heart! You’re my home, Max! Jesus, we’re having a baby!” I yell, walking to stand in front of him, needing to erase the distance between us—both physical and the kind he’s trying to put there.
“No, we’re not, Tess. I haven’t been there for anything other than laying dick to you. Don’t you get it? Hell, I can give you more of that here today if you want. Just strip.”
“Max…” I’m physically hurting from his words. I didn’t envision today going like this. I had built up so much in my mind. None of it was like this. This is slowly destroying me.
“That’s all I am, Tess. A willing dick.”
I grab his hand and place it on my stomach. On cue, our baby kicks against his hand. Something flashes in Max’s eyes before the mask slams back into place and his hand curls into a fist and yanks away from me. I don’t give up. I can’t.
“That’s our baby, Max. Ours. You’re a father. You may not be with us right now, but you will be, sweetheart. You will be, and then we can finally live our lives….”
“I’m a sperm donor, Tess. That’s it. I’m going to be nothing in that child’s life. I told you.”
“No! You’re the man I love, the man I gave my body to!”
“A willing dick, who enjoyed the fuck out of getting inside you. That’s it. Go ahead, Kitten. Strip for me and I’ll give it to you here. Hell, it’s been a long dry spell for me. You might be enough to tide me over so I won’t have to use my own hand for a few weeks.”
I slap him. This is not my Max. I don’t know who this man is, but he’s hateful, he’s crude, and he’s vile. He’s slowly killing me with his words. The echo of my hit vibrates in the air, for minutes after I do it. I just stare at him with tears in my eyes, and Max returns my stare. His dark eyes are harsh and cold. He touches the place on his jaw where I slapped him.
“I think we’re done here,” he says.
Those words…kill.
I reach inside the small purse I brought with me. There’s nothing inside but two items, because of the security. Both things are pictures. I take them out and place them on the table beside us. A picture of the newly finished nursery and a picture the doctor printed of my last sonogram.
“I don’t know what you wanted to accomplish today, Max. If it was hurting me, then your mission was accomplished. I brought these for you. I stupidly thought you’d want to see your daughter. You can just throw them away,” I tell him quietly, my voice thick with tears. A few have escaped, but I’m doing my best to keep them in, at least until I get out of here.
“My daughter?” he asks, but I’ve already turned away. I can’t stay here, not now. I pause at the door, trying to breathe through the pain.
“Goodbye, Max.”
He’ll never know how hard those words were for me to say. Then again, apparently he doesn’t care.
The guard pushes me down in the seat. I don’t bother giving him the time of the day. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does these days. Nothing except this visit. These visits from Marcum keep me sane. I don’t know how he did it, and I don’t ask, but these days we get to talk sitting across from each other at a table. No more glass between us. That, at least, makes me feel less caged.
“You’re looking rough, boy.” Marcum says, and I give him a one finger salute.
“How are Tess and the baby?” I ask getting straight to the point.
“Why are you asking? You’re the fucker who pushed her away.”
“She needed to stop dreaming of a life with me. She needed to live her life,” I explain again, even if the thoughts of her with another man destroys me.
“Then I’ll guess you’ll be happy to know Officer De Luca has taken a liking to her,” Marcum says leaning back in his seat like he doesn’t have a care in the world. The words are like acid.
“That fucking detective?” I bark, not liking the idea of his pretty boy face anywhere near Tess.
“Hey, what do you care right? He’ll take care of our girl, keep your kid safe. He’ll be honest as the day is long, and Tess can have the home in the suburbs you say she wants. All’s well that ends well, right, boy?”
“He’s not right for Tess,” I tell him, not even bothering to act uninterested. Marcum would see through that shit anyway.
“He doesn’t seem to agree. Been over at her house four times in the last two weeks.”
“What the fuck for?”
“Says he’s making sure her and the baby are okay and don’t need anything.”
“The fuck he is. He’s after, Tess.”
“Probably, she’s a damn fine woman. And you, like usual, ignored me when I told you to lock her. So, thanks to you being stupid, she’s free.”
“You and the boys need to have a talk with the asshole. He needs to stay away from Tess.”
“Why, boy? Isn’t this what you wanted? A nice, stable, honest man for our girl?”
“Fuck, I don’t know what I wanted. I just didn’t want her pining away for something that wasn’t going to happen, Marcum.”
The old man exhales and then slides up, so he’s leaning his upper body on the table.
“It may not be overnight, but it’s going to happen, boy. You need to get your head out of your ass and give my girl some hope.”
“Your girl?”
“She’s the smartest thing you’ve ever done in your life, Maxwell. The club has claimed her; we’re keeping her and little Maddie.”
“Maddie?”
“She named the baby, Madison. Little Maddie is damn cute. Looks so much like her mom it’s unreal.”
“She had the baby? She wasn’t due till next week,” I say, feeling like I’m coming apart at the seams. My baby…she’s here…and I haven’t got to touch her or see her. Fuck. My hands shake as I reach for the photo that Marcum pushes across the table to me.
Tess. My precious Tess is holding a child. She looks so tired and worn out, but she’s smiling down at this small bundle in her hands like she’s holding the world…and she is; this small, wrinkled, beautiful baby girl, staring back at me. She’s got a head full of dark black hair, and it’s sticking up in places, Tess’s hand is lovingly placed on the top trying to calm it down. These midnight-dark eyes stare back at me, and her small little lips have a half smile on them. She’s gorgeous. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life. That’s not what makes me feel like someone is squeezing my heart and killing me though. No, that’s baby Maddie’s smile. It’s so much like Tess’s it takes my breath away.
My finger touches the glossy photo as if somehow it can absorb through and touch the real thing. Emotions are pushing through me at the speed of light. So many different ones swirling in all directions and all I can think is; this is my family. My woman and this child…this child that is a part of me. A part of me and the woman I love, this child is …everything.
“She’s special, boy. Do you see her? Really see her? She’s the reason you need to get your head out of your ass.”
I can’t drag my eyes from the photo. I don’t even try.
“I can’t magically just get out of here, Marc
um. God, don’t you know if I could I’d be right by Tess’s side? Fuck!” I can’t hold it in anymore. Emotions are so thick, so raw and real that I can’t hold them inside any longer. The picture shakes in my hand. My baby. My daughter! Does she wonder why her dad isn’t there? Does she even know that she’s supposed to have a father there? Protecting her? Holding her? Talking to her? Rocking her to sleep? My daughter! Tears gather in my eyes. I can’t help it. I want to be with her. I want to be with her and Tess. The fact that I’m not, that I can’t be, is destroying me.
“I didn’t say you could. But, you can damned well get your act together and start helping me, to get you the fuck out of here.”
“I’m locked up behind bars, Marcum. What the hell do you think I can do from in here? That fucking Jenna has it so everything that happens to me is monitored. Your bigwig connections are worthless. They’re all fucking afraid to touch my case, so they don’t get accused of being in bed with crooks on the five o’clock news!”
“I’m handling that. I didn’t say it would happen overnight, but, son, it will happen. In the meantime, you need to quit pushing Tess away, before you lose every shot of having your family together when you walk out of here. You have the world right there. You don’t just fucking hand that away to another man. Especially some uptight cop. If that fucker raises my granddaughter I’ll personally cut your dick off, boy. Do you hear me?”
“What do you want me to do?” I ask him, drying my eyes with the side of my hand and trying to get a hold of myself.
He pushes a notepad and a pen on the table towards me.
“Write to Tess. Give her a reason to hold on.”
I look at the paper like it’s a gun pointed at me. What the hell do I tell her? What in the hell can I say? Will it make a difference to her now, after the way we parted months ago? I pick up the pen, ignoring the way my hand shakes.
Hell.
Madison’s First Birthday Party
I watch as my daughter screams in pleasure each time Dusty throws her up in the air. She’s such a happy child. I’m thankful for that. She’s kept me going this last year. It’s been hard. I’ve lost count of the nights my pillow has held me and taken my tears while I’d read the latest letter from Max. That’s the only contact I’ve had with him for a year. Just letters. He’d send one with Marcum, and I’d send one back once a month with pictures of Maddie. I wanted to go and see him, but he asked me not to. He told me how much it hurt to see me and not be able to hold me. It upset me, but so much about Max does. He apologized for the day in prison when he pushed me away. I understood, but I’d be lying if I said it still wasn’t painful. I don’t know how I’m going to react to seeing Max again. I’m excited, nervous, and petrified. I’m scared as hell.
I need to figure it out soon because Marcum called twenty minutes ago to let me know he has Max, and they’re headed here. That means any minute now Max will be showing up at the party. I will lay eyes on the man that I loved…still love…even after all this time. I don’t know what to do with that. I’m not sure I even believe it. We have so much to discuss. We have so much to decide. And Max…he’s missed so much. Things he’ll never get back. How will he handle that? The party is suddenly suffocating me. Panic is overwhelming me.
“You okay, sweetheart?” Cherry asks with her hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t even realized she was in front of me.
“I…I’m scared, Cherry,” I admit. Cherry understands, she’s been the only person I’ve been able to let in. She listens and lets me cry. I can be weak with her.
“Do you want us all to leave?” She asks, but the thought of facing Max on my own is worse. How did we get here? How did I get afraid to see the father of my child?
“No…I just need a minute to regroup. I’m going to take Maddie down to the water for a few minutes.”
“Okay, honey, I’ll make sure the boys are occupied and have plenty of food. The others have the babies.”
“Thanks.”
I go to get my girl from Dusty, which isn’t easy. The big guy is almost as attached to her as Marcum is. Luckily Maddie is easy going. She climbs into my arms without a second thought.
“Mom-mom,” she says her little hands grasping out towards me. I take her in my arms, her sweet smell surrounding me, and her warmth reaching through my nerves and instantly I feel better. Maddie has that much power.
“Let’s go and find shells, sweet baby,” I tell her, knowing it is her favorite pastime. She squeals in delight, just as I knew she would.
I hold her close and go down to the edge of the ocean. I look out over the water, trying to calm my thoughts and prepare myself for Max.
“Mom-mom!” Maddie yells, demanding attention. She’s squirming and pushing against my chest, doing her best to get down. She’s not been walking long, her feet are still unsteady, but I always let her go when we’re on the beach, as long as I keep me between her and the water. It’s her favorite thing, she laughs when she falls, and the sound of my daughter’s laugh is, to me, the most beautiful sound in the world. I let her slide to the ground and lead her back to the beach away from the water. We sit down, and luckily it has been cloudy, so the sand isn’t too hot. I pull Maddie between my legs and reach around helping her to shovel through the sand with our hands. Maddie laughs as the sand covers her feet. I smile, despite my worries.
“Hi.”
It’s one word. One word, from a voice that I remember, but haven’t heard in so long, so long that I was beginning to forget the tone and the way the timber of it sends shivers of awareness through my system. I hold my gaze down on Maddie’s head and then slowly shift it to Max’s feet. Just as slowly, I let it travel the length of his body until I rest on his face. There should be something I could say here. Something—anything. Nothing comes though. My voice is frozen in my throat. My heart is pounding.
My daughter must pick up on the change in me because she stops laughing and cooing. The sand stops occupying her, and she looks up at Max. I’m being a wimp; I need to snap out of it. Maddie however, has nothing holding her back. She pushes up, trying to get away from me. I help her stand, bracing my hands on her little hips. I’m letting her distract me from Max. I need her to, because, for the life of me, I can’t even manage to say hi back. I swallow; suddenly my mouth feels very dry.
“Da-Da!” Maddie says, jumping up and down, wanting to get away. “Da-Da!”
Of course she would recognize him. She’s only a year old, but I’ve done my best to show her a picture of him every night after we read and together we say goodnight to Daddy. I wanted Max to be a part of her life in whatever small way I could manage it. When I look up and see Max’s face, my heart contracts. I let go of Maddie, and she takes her stumbling steps to him. The sand is hard for her but after falling once she makes the six or seven steps to him. She reaches up to him in complete trust, as only a child can, and I watch as Max holds his daughter for the first time.
A one-year-old child unmans me.
I hear her sweet voice, calling out da-da, as her chubby, little legs stumble to me, her hands are opened wide and my heart bursts into a thousand pieces. I reach down to her, but my legs give out, and I drop down onto the sandy ground beneath, wrapping my arms around her and holding her to me. Tears sting my eyes, and I don’t worry about stopping them. I inhale deeply, taking in a mixture of the ocean’s salt air and the sweet smell of baby. My baby.
I thought I was prepared to meet her. Then she called me daddy…does she know me? How is that even possible? She squirms against my tight hold, so I let her go slightly, looking down at her little face. I wanted her to look like her mom, and I can see parts of Tess in her, but the truth is she looks like me. Her little hand slaps at my nose, and she laughs again.
“Da-Da! Da-Da!”
“She uh…doesn’t know many words yet,” Tess says, and her voice is husky. Our eyes connect, and she has the same tears in hers that I do.
“How…” I clear my throat and try again when I can’t manage to get the
words out the first time. “How does she know that I’m…?” I can’t finish the question. It’s just too big. I’m almost afraid of the answer.
Tess stands up, I can’t. I just sit there holding my daughter in my hands, feeling as if I’m drowning.
She comes to sit beside us and her sweet strawberry scent, a scent I’ve dreamed of and imagined for over a year and a half, closes around me and combines with that of the baby’s and feeling of rightness comes over me. A feeling of being right where I’m supposed to be. A feeling of being home.
“I have a picture of you. I keep it in a frame in Maddie’s room. Every night, after story time, we uh; we tell daddy goodnight.”
“Da-Da!” Maddie says on cue, her little hand slapping against my cheek.
“That’s right, baby, I am. I’m your daddy.” I say, and the words settle inside of me. I kiss her forehead again and hold her close for a second. I look over at the woman I love. The woman I’ve put through hell. The woman who despite everything has given me two of the most precious gifts in the world. Not only did she give me a child, she also taught that child who I was, even when I couldn’t be here—even when I pushed her away.
“Thank you, Tess,” I tell her, and it sounds lame to my ears. I owe her more. Hell, I owe her everything.
Tess draws her legs against her chest and wraps her arms around them. She looks so small and defenseless sitting there.
“Pa!” Maddie yells out with some more baby gibberish that no one really can understand. She’s jumping and stretching trying to get free from my hold, and there’s only one reason. Marcum. I resent the way she obviously loves him. The way she clearly chooses him over me, and I feel like a fucking loser for feeling that way, for being jealous. Of course she wants to go to him, she knows him. I’m just a man from a picture. That will change though. I have time now. I have all the time in the world. As my eyes lock on Tess, I vow not to waste it.