“I don’t need anything from you or anyone else,’ I say in a low growl, and walk out of his office.
It is winter and there is a frosty wind blowing. The two groundsmen put him on the ground. I walk forward and open the bedsheet and look at his face. Even in death he looks like an angel. A beautiful, innocent angel.
I have to clench my hands to stop myself from shaking him. I kiss his cheek. It is like kissing a frozen stone. They have kept him in a very cold place. I touch his face for the last time. My fingers touch his hair, his eyelashes, his cold lips. I kiss him again, my lips lingering on his frosty cheek.
“I love you, Pavel. I’ll always love you,” I whisper in his ear.
Then I stand aside and watch them lower him into the ground. I still cannot actually believe he is dead. It never crossed my mind that I would be burying my baby brother.
Why? Why? Why?
I just can’t understand why he did it. I just stand there devastated. I thought I had done everything in my power to keep him safe, but I couldn’t save him from himself.
One of the little girls from his class comes to stand beside me. She says nothing. When the soil has been shoveled over his body and the staff have gone, she turns slightly towards me.
I look at her blankly. I’ve seen her talking with Pavel. There are tears in her eyes.
“They came for him at night,” she whispers.
“What?”
She nods. “He untied the knot and went with them.”
“What?”
She nods. “Yes, he did that all the time. I’ve seen him.”
“Why?”
“He didn’t want them to hurt you. He was protecting you. He knew if he did not do it they would hurt you.”
My head feels as if it is bursting. I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to tear open the ground and bring my brother back to life. Like water rushing in from many different sources all trying to find their level. The different thoughts in my head all rush to merge in one place.
I want revenge.
I want revenge.
I want revenge.
She looks up at me with her sad, brown eyes. “I wanted you to know that he wasn’t a coward. He always wanted to be like you. We all want to be like you.”
I stare at her. Be like me. Suddenly I saw it all clearly. What a fool I have been. I couldn’t even see that it was all a trick. The director had never wanted me. It was always Pavel he wanted and I had played right into his hands. I was the bait with which he used to catch my brother.
He was ready with the blow. Before my teeth could even sink into him he had already hit me. I put myself exactly where he wanted and he used me as the bargaining tool. He wanted Pavel to be willing.
It was my fault. Because of my supreme arrogance and ignorance Pavel was gone.
If I had just sucked the director’s dick two years ago. If I had not tried to be such a hero. If I had compromised. If I had only sacrificed myself the way Pavel had. What a small thing it was to have done for him. I would suck the unwashed dicks of ten thousand men now if I could bring him back.
I fall to my knees and sob. Oh Pavel, Pavel, Pavel.
I will never be happy again.
I don’t deserve it. Ever.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Star
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdHCec23BKE
Try
My heart is beating so hard and fast I have to take deep breaths to calm myself. The car comes to a stop and I quickly open the door and rush towards the club. The bouncers lift the ropes to allow me in.
“Where is Nikolai?” I ask one of the stunningly beautiful girls at the reception.
“In his office. Let me call him for you.”
“Please don’t call him. Just take me there.”
She looks at me blankly. “I’m sorry, but I have to call him first.”
“All right.”
She calls him. “Er … Star is here to see you.” Her eyebrows rise. “Okay. I’ll tell her.” She looks at me, embarrassed. “He doesn’t want to see you. He says go home.”
“Please, just take me to his office. He doesn’t mean it. We just had an argument. I want to sort it out. Please help me,” I cry. I know I sound like some obsessed stalker but I just can’t let go. I have to make it right. I was so stupid and blind.
“I can’t do that. I’ll lose my job.”
“Fine. Then let me just go into the club. I need to use the toilet. Did he say I couldn’t use the toilet?”
“No.”
“There you go then. I just need to use the toilet then I’m gone, okay.”
She licks her lips nervously. “You need to use the toilet?”
“I need to use the toilet desperately.”
“Go ahead.”
“Thank you. Thank you so much.”
“Just don’t get me into trouble. Please.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
I run through the club right past Nigel. He doesn’t even see me. How could I have been such a fool for so long? I ask one of the waitresses to show me where Nikolai’s office is. She points me towards the stairs. Semyon is standing at the bottom. I act cool as if I have every right to go up.
“I need to go up and see Nikolai,” I say to him.
He nods. “Third door on the left.”
I thank him and go up the stairs. I knock on the third door.
“Enter,” he calls.
I feel my blood rush to my feet. Shit. I should have checked my make-up. Oh well. It’s too late now. My hand shakes as I curl it around the door handle and push it open. What I see inside makes my heart drop. He is not alone. The ex-model I met earlier in the evening is sitting on one of the sofas. The only consolation is that she looks as confused as me.
He looks at me with a slight frown. I could have been a complete stranger to him. “Did Maria not pass the message on?”
“Yeah she passed the message on. It’s not her fault. I told her I needed to use the toilet so she let me in.”
“The toilets are downstairs.” His voice is robotic.
“I’m not here for the toilet.”
He exhales as if he is bored. “What are you here for, Star?”
I refuse to back down. I’ll say what I came here to say. “You. I’m here for you.”
“Do you know what I truly find repulsive?” he asks casually.
I take a deep breath. “Tell me.”
“Desperate women. I’ve had my fill of you. I’m in the mood to take something different home with me tonight.” He turns to the dark-haired beauty sitting on the sofa. “Do you want to come home with me for a fuck, Anastasia?”
She glances at me quickly then back to him. “Yes.”
He turns back to me, his eyes cutting and derisive. “There you go. I’m sorted for tonight. Now, unless you are interested in a threesome you really should leave.”
I stare at him in shock. My whole world feels like it is crumbling away. He doesn’t want me anymore. For a few seconds I can’t do anything. I just stand there frozen. Then I turn around and walk out of his club. I don’t see anyone because my eyes are full of tears. I go outside and Andrei is waiting by the sidewalk. I dash away the tears.
“Do you want to go back to Surrey?” he asks.
“No,” I sob. “Take me to my friend’s house.”
He looks at me worriedly.
“Fine. Don’t take me. I’ll just call a taxi.”
He scratches his head, then nods and opens the car door for me. I get in and he drives me to Rosa’s apartment.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Nikolai
My fate is to be alone. Everyone I loved is dead.
The gates are only left unattended when the bell rings. The bell only rings when something terrible happens. It has only rung twice since I have been here.
Once because a boy tried to escape and fell outside the wall. They brought him back with his bone sticking out of his leg. And the other time was when the cook acc
identally burned herself very badly.
I’m not yet fifteen, but I am tall, broad, and bigger than most of the boys, and a few of the teachers. I am definitely stronger than my enemy. I watch and I wait for my opportunity. I know my enemy’s movements like I know the back of my hand.
The time comes and I follow the director into the staff toilets.
Inside we are alone and I am trembling with a strange exhilaration. He has his back to me but suddenly turns and looks at me, and I see that flash of fear. Not real fear. I just startled him. He never suspects that his last breath will be at my hands. As I walk up to him I take the homemade knife from my pocket and lunge forward taking him by surprise.
He does not have an opportunity to defend himself as I drive it with all the force I can muster into the side of his neck. I step back and watch as he desperately clutches his neck. His eyes bulge and blood spurts through his fingers. He drops to his knees and screams, but all he can manage are choking, gurgling sounds.
I step forward and pull my knife out of his neck. I push him so he falls backwards. I kneel down and slash his trousers. I hold his small pale dick in my hand and slice it off with my knife. Blood gushes out like a fountain. I didn’t expect it. My clothes, hair, my face, every part of me gets covered in his blood.
I stuff his dick into his choking mouth.
“Here, suck your own dick,” I tell him. I look at him calmly. I finished the job I started two years ago.
They say you become what you fight. When you look long enough into your enemy’s face you will become it. At that moment I become him. A murderer. I feel his life seep out of his eyes and I feel myself become more powerful.
There is hot water in the staff toilets so I quickly wash and change into the clothes I brought in my bag. Then, without another glance at the man lying still in his own blood, I simply walk out of the toilets.
I am sitting calmly in class when all hell breaks loose. Guards, teachers, cleaning women, groundsmen, are all rushing around like headless chickens.
Somebody sets the alarm off.
When the bell goes all the children must go to the assembly room. Everyone gets up and starts moving quickly towards it. I walk swiftly in the opposite direction. Outside, I don the special gloves I have made with sheets and pieces of metal, and I start to climb the wall. The broken glass shreds my clothes and skin, but I know I’m going to make it when my gloves grasp the barbed wire at the top and I carefully make my way down.
I let my legs run as fast as they can, only stopping when the orphanage is barely visible in my sight. The air is cold but I do not feel anything. I am numb. More numb than I’ve ever been. I am angry at this cruel world. A world that could take an innocent boy such as my brother away from me. Damn everybody. Damn this world. I will survive. I will be strong and powerful and rich. I will feel nothing. Ever again.
I don’t need help from anyone. I reach out a hand, bring the cold air back in the palm of my hand to my lips and kiss it. One day my brother. One day I will revisit this place and take you back with me.
This I promise.
Chapter Fifty
Star
“Can I return the dress to you now, Rosa?” I ask as soon as Rosa answers her phone.
For a couple of seconds Rosa is too surprised to answer. “As in right now?”
I sniff. “Yes.”
Her response is immediate. “Of course. Fortunately for you I’m just vegetating in front of the TV with a tub of ice cream and a whole box of tissues.”
“Thank you,” I say and hang up.
When we get to Rosa’s apartment building I thank Andrei and tell him I won’t need him again. He is a true gentleman and waits until I enter the building before he gets back into the car.
I get into the lift sniffing and blubbering. By the time the lift doors open I’m sobbing. Rosa opens her door and I walk into her arms. “I’ve been such a fool,” I repeat again and again.
She helps me out of the dress and gives me a comfortable pair of sweats to get into. The whole time I am blubbering and sniffing and spluttering.
We sit on the sofa. She pours me a humongous glass of wine. I take it and start gulping it down.
“Whoa. Slow down. That’s your lot for the night.”
“I’ve been such a fool.”
“I know, you said. How about telling me everything that happened, hmmm?”
So I tell her everything. About Nigel being there and Nikolai admitting that he had deliberately set him up. How I had defended Nigel and Nikolai had got pissed off and how I had found the evidence of another woman in my house. I finished it off with how Nikolai had told me he no longer wanted me and that he was taking Anastasia home.
“And she is an ex-model. They’re probably doing it right now,” I sobbed.
To my horror Rosa tries to hide a smile. “Why are you smiling?” I demand.
“Sorry. I couldn’t help it.”
“What’s so funny?”
“You. You are so innocent. You just believe everything everyone tells you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean. Come on. That woman works for him. If he wanted to do her he could have done it ages ago, and he certainly wouldn’t still be doing her.”
I stare at her. “So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying he was pretending that he was going to take her home. I bet he called her up to his office as soon as he heard you were at reception and that’s why she was looking confused. Poor thing didn’t know what the hell was going on.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Absolutely. No one goes to all the trouble Nikolai has gone to, to get you, for him to just turn off at the first sign of trouble. What you’re telling me sounds like the ending scene ripped right out of Gone With The Wind.” She deepens her voice. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
“But he did chase me away.”
“Yes he did. And to be honest I would have done the same thing. It is very frustrating when you try to tell someone something that is so obvious and they absolutely refuse to see it out of sheer pig-headedness. I should know, I’ve had to deal with it for the last seven years.”
“That makes me feel so much better, thank you,” I say, and reach for the wine glass.
“Well the great thing is you found out what Nigel really is. Even if nothing else comes of this. To me this whole sorry episode has still been a resounding success.”
“But I’m in love with Nikolai.”
“Well I have a funny feeling this story is not over. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.”
“I don’t know, Rosa. Nikolai can be very cold and hard. You should have seen his face tonight. He just looked at me as if I was a complete stranger. As if I’m some kind of stalker.”
“I don’t know how it’s going to work with him. He is a billionaire and they are a different species. You have to prepare for the fact that he may actually be a psychopath that has an off button and he has pressed it, but I still think you should be positive. It’s not over yet in my book.”
“He never revealed anything about himself to me. He was very guarded the whole time. He made it very clear that there was nothing there but the physical attraction. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again, Rosa.”
“Let’s give it some time okay and see what happens in the next couple of days. A man who only wanted to have sex with you wouldn’t have walked away. He would have just banged you until he got bored. He wouldn’t have cared if you were being loyal to Nigel or not.”
I drain the last bit of wine. I feel completely drunk, but not happy drunk. “I want to call him,” I declare.
Rosa’s eyes widen. “No, babe. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow if you still feel like that.”
“What’s the difference between tonight and tomorrow.”
“Two reasons. You’re drunk, and whatever you do tonight you’ll regret tomorrow. Also, it’s a good idea to give him a chance to miss you.”
I nod. I miss him so
badly all I want to do is ugly cry. Tonight was supposed to be a celebration.
“What about Nigel? What are you going to do about him?”
I close my eyes. I don’t want to think about that nightmare. “I’ll get a divorce I suppose,” I say softly.
“Good.” There is no mistaking the satisfaction in her voice.
Chapter Fifty-One
Star
Ain’t Your Mama
I wake up in Rosa’s guest room with a massive hangover. The events of the night before come hurtling down on me. I tip-toe out of the room. Rosa’s bedroom door is open and she is still asleep in bed. I don’t know why but I go into her bedroom and stand over her sleeping form. In sleep she doesn’t look so tough. Even though my head is throbbing, a rush of pure love fills my heart for her. She has been a good and loyal friend.
Without waking her up I go into the bathroom. My hair looks an absolute mess, my eyes are swollen and my face is puffy. I find headache pills in the cabinet and take them before I get into the shower. Feeling slightly better, I go to the kitchen. Closing the door, I make myself a cup of coffee and call my nan.
I ask about my dad, and when she says he is fine, I tell her I have something to tell them all and I’ll be around later.
“Is it more good news?” she asks.
“Yeah, it’s more good news,” I reply. At least it will be for my dad. He’ll be so glad to hear that I’m leaving Nigel.
After I end the call I stare out of the window. The view is the back end of another apartment block. The past two weeks seem like an incredible dream.