The Brightest Stars

“I used to love those when I was younger,” I told him. “My best friend Sammy and I ate them all the time. Oh my god, that and Mountain Dew. My mom wouldn’t let me drink it, but Sammy’s mom always had the Kroger brand version that was actually better.”

I was totally rambling.

Kael seemed to be more relaxed than he was a few seconds ago. I didn’t look at him as long as I wanted to, or tell him how much I missed Sammy since she got married and moved across the country, like I wanted to. Not the married part, just the move the hell away from here part.

We didn’t talk again until we checked out separately. We both had to show our ID cards, his Active Duty and mine a dependent ID. He was a gentleman and helped me load my car, carry the bags into my house, and he even asked if he could help unpack them. I hated that my brain was trying to figure out why he was so nice. It was like I couldn’t just accept kind gestures or compliments from people, like I wasn’t worthy of them.

But as much as he made me feel flustered and a little bit paranoid, I was starting to kind of like the way I felt around him. As long as he didn’t think we were going to end up hooking up. He hadn’t mentioned a girlfriend or anyone in his life at all—though, he hadn’t exactly been forthcoming. But we weren’t doing anything wrong. Nothing. Just grocery shopping and sharing a living space for a few days.

If I was his girlfriend, I wouldn’t be too happy about him staying with two women. Regardless if one was pregnant or not.

Why was I back to assuming he had a girlfriend? Or that he would even like me?

Hell, I didn’t even know him enough to like him that way, and he looked like the kind of man that every woman was drawn to. I realized that I was a little more interested in him than I had admitted to myself. I was sort of freaking out and he was in the seat next to me. I could feel his eyes on my face.

“Everything okay?” he asked after all the groceries were put away. It took half the time with him helping and I didn’t have to tell him to recycle the paper and plastics.

We were both sitting at the table now. He was scrolling through his cell phone and I was eating my second granola bar and getting ready to leave for work. I could hear the shower from down the hall so I knew Elodie was up. Thank God. I couldn’t imagine telling Mali that Elodie was going to be late again.

Through my lashes, I tried to watch Kael without him noticing. He noticed immediately, like the good soldier I was sure he was. I felt the words building in my throat and didn’t want to stop them. I had to know. “Do you have a girlfriend?” I blurted out.

“No. Do you? Have a boyfriend, I mean, or a girlfriend?”

I shook my head. My fingers felt like they were shaking against the cold back of the chair.

“No. Neither.”

He let out a breath and stood up. My eyes followed his movement from the fridge, to the cabinet to grab a glass, and back to the fridge. He poured himself some milk, splashing a little onto the floor. If I could have had one thing in that moment, it would have been for him to say something, anything. My throat felt like it was on fire. My whole body felt like it was on fire.

“So, we’ll be gone until later, but we always have our phones on at work. If my brother comes by, let him in?”

Kael nodded. I watched as he cleaned up the splashed milk that I’d assumed would dry on the floor with the rest of the random spillage that had accumulated since I’d mopped about two weeks ago.

Elodie came walking down the hallway with her short hair soaked, staining the shoulders of her gray t-shirt. “The shower is finally fixed!”

“What do you mean?” I made my way down the hallway toward the bathroom.

“The temperature! You had it fixed right?” she asked. I passed her, shaking my head. Sure enough, when I went into the bathroom and turned the shower on, it was immediately warm. I turned it to cold. Immediately cold. The pressure was even stronger, like a normal shower. Such luxury.

“I have no idea how it’s fixed. I’m glad it is though, because …” I started to say. My eyes landed on Kael’s and he licked his lips, turning his cheek slightly away from me.

“You!” It dawned on me. “Did you fix it?” Somehow I knew he did, even though it was such a foreign concept to me.

Kael nodded sheepishly. “It wasn’t a big thing. It was just a loose pipe. It took me less than five minutes.”

Elodie walked toward him, her hair dripping as she moved. “You are so nice. Oh, I can’t wait to tell Phillip. Thank you, thank you,” she told him, hugging one of his arms.

First the gas, now fixing my shower. Of course I thought it was nice of him, but it also made me feel helpless.

“What she said.” I was annoyed and they both picked up on it. “Okay, gotta go, I’m going to be late. See you at eleven.” I hugged Elodie and walked to the front door.

I didn’t look back at Kael as I walked out. I knew I would feel guilty if I did. He did something nice for me. It was not only thoughtful, but practical. I appreciated it, I did, but I also didn’t want him treat me like I needed help fixing things. I bought that house to prove that I was no damsel.

MY MORNING WAS THE SAME as always: two elderly retirees and one married soldier who came in the same time almost every week. He never made an appointment, but I always kept the spot open for him. He was nice and easy, tipped well, and didn’t groan and moan while I did my job.

I now had “free time” to help clean up around the spa and avoid walk-ins—as much as they could be avoided. I didn’t like the uncertainty of them. They were always uncomfortable and they hardly ever came back. Even the fittest of bodies let their insecurities shine in my room. It was comforting and disheartening to know that other people thought of their bodies in the same harmful way that I did.

I was pulling out my second round of towels from the dryer when I thought of how I used to have to roll silverware when I waitressed at a steakhouse. I guess all jobs come with add-on chores.

“That guy came here for you,” Mali told me while we folded towels.

“What guy?”

“The one you used to like,” she said. The way she wrapped “like” around her tongue made me feel like a child.

Oh. Brien. Great.

“When?”

“About ten minutes before you got here.”

I dropped a towel onto the pile before I folded it. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

She snickered. “Because I was afraid you would call him and we can’t have that.” She shrugged her shoulders. I gaped at her, grabbed the towel, and threw it at her.

“I would not call him, by the way.” I may have been a little defensive. Anyway, I didn’t think I’d call, even if I was curious to know why he came by. I know I didn’t leave my earring in his bed, that’s for sure. I guess I could call him after my lunch break.

Okay so, maybe Mali was right.

“Mhmm.” She nodded yes with her lips jutted out sarcastically. The deep wrinkles on her bronzed skin made her look extra serious, though I knew she was mostly teasing. She’d never liked Brien and even cut off the electricity in the lobby when he came to see me the first time after our breakup. In her defense, I was crying and he was accusing me of something that I couldn’t even remember anymore. That must’ve meant I was innocent, right?

Truth was, I wasn’t as sad as everyone thought I should be after we broke up. And, truth was, I’d used him to fill something broken inside of me. That’s what most relationships actually boiled down to.

Mali interrupted my sour memories of Brien. “We have a walk-in,” she said.

Her back was hunched so she could see the little security television screen. I couldn’t make out whether it was a man or a woman, but I knew Elodie had just started on her two-thirty appointment and we were the only two in until four, when three more therapists came in for the night shift.

“I’ll take it. I don’t have any more appointments today.”

Honestly, I was hoping there wouldn’t be any walk-ins and tha

t I would be able to do laundry, clean my room, and help Mali with the bookkeeping, instead of giving a massage, but this was my job. This is what I chose. That’s what I told myself every time my fingers ached or my head pounded from the smell of bleach on the towels just after they’d been washed.