Would he think I was crazy if I admitted that I’d rather have him?
“I’m not gonna lie. I want children badly, but I don’t want them with anyone else. There are a lot of kids who need to be adopted. We could take that route. I feel like I need you to breathe. And I understand your reasoning for not wanting to risk it. So, if given a choice between biological children and you…I choose you. And I don’t even have to think twice about it.”
“How can you possibly mean that?”
“It’s not the perfect scenario. It’s painful. But the choice is not a tough one for me. I can live without children. I can’t live without you.”
I hoped that didn’t make me sound desperate; it was the honest truth.
He pulled me into the longest hug. He was breathing so heavily, as if he seriously didn’t expect my answer, like he was both relieved and conflicted at the same time.
Releasing me, he said, “Here’s my worry, alright? And hear me out.”
“Okay.”
“Say we never have kids of our own, and then something happens to me…but it’s too late for you to have kids and then you’ve lost me, too. Then what?”
“Don’t think like that.”
“It’s a very real possibility.”
I refused to entertain the thought. “No.”
“You want to know the really fucked-up part? I would love to sit here and say that if something happens to me, I want you to meet someone else, move on, fall in love again, but here’s the kind of selfish prick I am. One of the reasons I don’t want to die is because I don’t want anyone else to ever have you. As much as I knock my mother for how devoted she is to my father, I would kill for you to feel that way about me. I only want you to ever have eyes for me. Is that messed up or what? I’m terrified you’d eventually forget about me.”
“That will never happen.”
“I used to be afraid of the prospect of dying, but I had somehow accepted it, spent my days painting pictures of all the places I believed I’d never get to see. But things are different now. I can’t seem to accept it anymore. Now, I just want to live. My will to live is stronger than my fear of death now…because of you. You’re the reason I want to live so badly.”
My heart filled with so many emotions upon hearing his admission. There was no doubt in my mind that I loved this man more than anything in the world. He’d rendered me speechless, and despite all the things I should have said, I attempted to make a joke instead. “This from the same guy who used to pawn me off to other men.”
“I never really wanted that. I subconsciously did everything I could to derail those efforts, which I suppose was counter-productive. Now that I’ve had you, I can’t fathom how I ever even tried to push you away like that.”
“Well, you can’t push me away, because you’re a part of me. Not possible.”
“You’re seriously crazy, Chelsea, for wanting a life with me at this point. Thank God for you. I thank God for you every day.” He kissed me hard then said, “I want you to come with me to my next doctor’s appointment. I really want your input. I think for now I’m gonna hold off on the surgery, though. But I’m keeping an open mind about it.”
“I want to know everything there is to know. I don’t want you to hide anything from me, especially on those days when you’re not feeling well, and I definitely do want to go to those appointments. So, yes, please make sure you include me.”
“Okay.”
“No more secrets, Damien.”
“No more secrets.”
“What’s the H stand for, then?”
He tickled me under the arm. “Nice try. That one is the exception.”
I playfully threw a pillow at him. “Oh, come on.”***My apartment across town was merely a glorified storage closet now that all of my time was spent at Damien’s.
The old apartment next door still sat empty. Damien couldn’t exactly show it to potential renters with the gigantic unicorn on the wall. So, we needed to figure out whether I was going to try to break my lease in order to move back into my old place or whether I would move in with Damien permanently. Even though we were basically shacking up, he hadn’t exactly asked me to live with him. I wasn’t going to be the one to approach the subject, though.
Jade and I were chatting about it on the phone one afternoon while Damien was out with the dogs.
“Are you keeping a toothbrush there?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Then, you’re totally living with him.”
“I suppose I am…unofficially.”
“I was planning on staying with you when I came home after the New Year, but maybe I’ll stay with Mom and Dad instead.”