Neighbor Dearest

It hurt to think that he actually believed I was having doubts.

“Never, Damien. I would never leave you.”

He sat up suddenly. “I have to tell you something.”

“Okay.” I sniffled.

“I never mentioned something that I experienced when I was coming out of the surgery. I thought it was just a dream, but now I have to wonder.”

“What?”

“I saw something…or someone. I just somehow knew it was our child. It didn’t present clearly as a girl or a boy necessarily. It was just like the spirit of a child. I couldn’t make out a face, but I do remember seeing blonde curls. So, I guess I assumed it was a girl.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “Anyway, I just knew it was ours. This thing…spirit…whatever you want to call it…was trying to leave me. I kept asking it to stay—begging it to stay. In this dreamlike state, I knew about all of the risks, that I wasn’t supposed to keep it with me or ask it to stay, but it didn’t matter in that moment. My love for it was too powerful. I still don’t understand what that experience was—a hallucination or otherwise. It seemed real at the time. I was never going to tell you about it.”

“You don’t remember what you were asking me when you were coming out of the anesthesia?”

“No.”

“You asked me where she was.”

“I did?”

“When I asked you who you were referring to, you said it was our baby.”

“Oh, man. See, I don’t remember that at all. But that must have been the very end of it.”

Hearing his story freaked me out a little, because I was definitely pregnant that day, even though I didn’t know it yet.

He continued, “The point to all of this is…when faced with the scenario in that subconscious state, I chose for it to stay. Despite everything, I wanted it, because my love for it surpassed everything else...all of the risks, all of the fears.”

“Do you think it was a premonition?”

“I don’t know. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. I want this baby. I always did want one with you. I tried to do what I thought was right, but God had other plans.”

An immense relief washed over me. “I thought you’d be devastated. I’ve been so terrified to tell you.”

“I’m freaked out, baby. Of course. But there’s no question as to whether I want this. I want it more than anything. I’m just scared, but that’s irrelevant at this point. Now that she’s really here…I want it even more than I could have ever imagined before. I’m petrified, but I’m so in love—in love with her and with you.”

“Her?”

“I think so, yeah. It’s a girl.” He smiled.

“How will you handle this, Damien? The fear and the guilt you’ve always worried about.”

He thought long and hard before answering, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s how to live with fear. I live every day not knowing if I’m gonna drop dead at the drop of a hat. But I refuse to let it dictate my life anymore. So, I’ll handle it just like everything else. I’ll wake up each day and pray to the same God who brought me you and who helped me through surgery. I’ll pray that He protects our child, too. No matter how scary this is, I have to put everything in His hands at this point and thank him for blessing me with all the things I didn’t think I could ever have.”

He lowered his head down to my stomach again. “Holy shit. We’re gonna have a baby.”

I let those words really sink in. For the first time, I actually allowed myself to celebrate it, as if it had only now just become real.

I beamed. “We’re having a baby!”***The following week when we heard our child’s heart beating for the first time, it was as magical as it was frightening.

We wouldn’t know for several years whether genetics would be on our side. Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is a condition that, if inherited, shows itself over time, manifesting in young adulthood. We would leave it up to our child to determine if he or she wanted to get tested. All we knew was that we would do everything that was humanly possible to monitor and protect our baby in the meantime.CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVEMOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILLOur big wedding plans would have to be put on hold until after the baby was born. From getting a nursery ready, to preparing the dogs for the new addition, there was just too much going on to have to worry about organizing a giant party.

We’d opted not to find out the sex, although Damien was still convinced it was a girl. He truly believed that the spirit he’d encountered in his dream—or whatever that experience may have been—was female. He chalked it up to father’s intuition.