Carter pulls me into the middle of the crowd, and once again, I’m pressed up against his body. I can’t say I mind the feeling. Underneath his clothes—which are more formal than everyone else at party—it’s not hard to tell that he has a body that he works out for. My mind flashes to Kara and what she might think if she saw me like this with Carter, but it’s only a dance, right?
Right.
I try to shut off my mind and let myself move. Not the easy task it might seem like. I’ve never really…danced like this. Cheer dance is one thing, all choreographed steps. You always know where you’re supposed to be. This makes me uneasy because it’s so loose, so unplanned. Anything could happen, and that’s what worries me. That’s also what excites me. Carter is gorgeous and I don’t want to leave. Not yet. Besides, I’m his girlfriend, right? I would be a terrible girlfriend if I didn’t dance.
The song that’s playing is something that might have played at a dance in middle school. It’s a little out of touch with the tone of the party, but everyone’s having a good time with it. There are smiles all across the dance floor. Carter spins me out and in, and I find myself grinning, leaning into him. This feels…easy. I’m not sure what I expected, but it wasn’t this simple. I’ve danced with guys before, but it always felt awkward and full of tension, like there was some kind of expectation that the dance was a commentary on our relationship. This doesn’t feel like that. I’d forgotten how fun just dancing could be.
The light song ends, and the music shifts into something deeper and more rhythmic. Sexier. But still our dancing doesn’t lose that same easy chemistry. Our movements slow—we’re closer together. We’re entwined, just like those couples I saw earlier, but I didn’t expect it to feel this…good.
I’m warm and tingly, aware of every place he’s touching me. And every place he’s touching me tells me that his clothes are hiding a body that any of these girls in here would kill for. I let my own hands wander just a little bit, too. It’s strange and exhilarating—completely new territory that wakes up a longing in the pit of my stomach I can barely put a name to.
The way his hands are on my waist is adding to my heat, and the way he’s looking down at me as we dance makes me want to pull him closer, if that were possible.
Carter spins me again, this time slowly, and it’s almost like I can feel his eyes on my body as I turn. I can’t say that I don’t like it. I’ve never felt like this before, this kind of wanting more of someone else. Maybe I’ve been so busy keeping every guy away that I never thought about how it might feel.
He pulls me in, his chest against my back, and his hands roam across my waist as our hips move in time with the music. There’s something stiff against my back, and I’m not sure—
Oh my god.
All the blood rushes to my face, and I freeze for a second, realizing that Carter, behind me, is hard. I’ve never felt an erection before, but there’s nothing else that this could possibly be. But that’s not the most startling part. The startling part is that I don’t mind it. I like knowing that I made him react like this. It makes me feel gorgeous and sexy and alive. Things that could easily get me into trouble and might lead to me breaking the pact. I should find Kara and see if she’s ready to leave. I came here to keep her out of trouble, not get into some myself.
I step away from Carter quickly—too quickly, and I try to ignore the flash of hurt and confusion on his face. I lean up to his ear and say something about needing to find the bathroom, ducking quickly through the crowd of dancers before he can stop me. It’s better this way. If I leave now, he won’t be as disappointed that something can’t happen between us. Leading him on just wouldn’t be fair.
But, as I head up the stairs, I can’t ignore the sick feeling in my stomach that feels too much like regret.
3
The bathroom isn’t hard to locate, and thankfully it’s empty. The mirror tells me that I’m flushed and excited—a confirmation that I made the right decision regardless of the way my stomach feels.
I splash some water on my face before I leave, hoping it will help clear my head and cool me down. Time to find Kara. I don’t think she’s up here—upstairs at these parties means sex, which is something she’d try to avoid at all costs. Heading back down the hallway towards the stairs, I hear a moan come from my left.
The door is open a crack, and I can hear more movement inside. Trying to be as quiet as possible, I press my face to the crack in the door. The room is mostly dark, but I can still see what’s happening. A couple is having sex. They’re both naked on the bed, limbs tangled. The guy’s on top, hips thrusting smoothly into his partner. The sight is like a shock to my senses. I knew people had sex at parties, but seeing it is completely different. This is the first time I’ve ever seen real sex. I mean sex in person. There was that porn I watched a couple times, but I felt so guilty afterward that I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. But this is...different. This is exciting.
I feel myself heat with a blush. There’s pressure in my core and a sudden wanting. I’m getting wet, my body reacting viscerally to the sight in front of me. I’ve touched myself before, always wondering what the real thing would feel like. My body is tingling, nipples hardening against my shirt. I can’t help but imagine what it would be like to be in that girl’s place. I imagine the heat on my skin, and the pleasure…
I can feel the energy in the room, the way they’re so wrapped up in each other that nothing else matters. That same warm feeling from the dance floor takes over my body, and I realize that I want that. I want to know what that feels like—to be lost in someone. I imagine what it would be like to be on that bed, aware that the house is full of people that could walk in any second. I want to want someone that much that I would take that kind of risk for them, and they would do it for me.
The girl gasps as he thrusts into her, and I jerk back from the door, suddenly realizing that I’m being a creeper. I shouldn’t be watching them. If it were me, I wouldn’t like to know that I was spied on by a random party-goer. I turn to continue towards the stairs and freeze again. Carter is at the top of the stairs, watching me.
“You okay?” he asks. “You left really quickly, I thought you might be sick or something.”
“Oh...no,” I say, grasping for the words. I’m certainly not going to tell him I was just spying on sex. I keep my voice low so the people inside don’t realize I’m right outside the door. “I’m fine. I was just looking for my friend.”
There’s another moan from inside the room. This one is louder and very, very audible. Carter’s eyes go wide, and I see him notice the proximity between the door and me. A smirk crosses his face. “That’s not what I would have expected.”
“Oh?” I’m suddenly nervous, a little embarrassed, and stretch my fingers out and curl them into fists—an old nervous habit.
Carter crosses the hall to me, peeking through the crack in the door above my head. “You didn’t strike me as someone who just likes to watch.” His voice is soft like mine now. “Anyone who dances like that wants to be in on the action.”
My face turns red, as it seems to have a terrible habit of doing around him.
He holds up his hands. “But hey, everyone has their thing. Maybe yours is watching from behind a door.”
Anger bubbles up, quick and fierce. “That is not my thing,” I hiss under my breath. “I don’t have a thing.” Here, this close to him, those same thoughts rise to the surface. What would it be like with him? He’s hot as hell, and I wouldn’t mind feeling him touch me again. I have the sudden urge to prove to him that I’m not someone who lurks in doorways watching other people get off.
I move without thinking, p
ushing up onto my toes and pressing my mouth to his. His body freezes against mine. He wasn’t expecting it, and neither was I. I’m just as frozen as he is, our lips locked together. Then Carter moves all at once. He kisses me back while his arms come around me, practically lifting me off my feet to bring me closer.
Wow. This is a kiss. It’s not my first kiss, but this one makes every other one I’ve had seem like nothing more than a peck on the cheek. It reaches deep, stirring up feelings I’ve never had before. Carter’s tongue sweeps across my lips, and we open to each other. Everything feels bigger, deeper. It’s consuming. There’s nothing my body wants more than to be closer to him. To feel his skin on mine. To feel him inside me—
That thought brings my brain screeching to a halt. I want him. I don’t just want to kiss him. I want to...do other things with him. I’ve been training myself for so long to shy away from this, I can’t even bring myself to say it in my head. But deep down I feel settled. I know that this has been coming for a while. The older Kara and I got, the more I was the one shying away from our pact.
Carter is staring at me, and I realize that I stopped kissing him. I’ve been staring at him, processing just how much I want to have sex with him. For him to—I force my brain to say it—fuck me. Kara always told me she wanted it to be special. Candles, roses, a wedding dress.
I may not have realized it until just now, but I don’t want that. I don’t want it to be like some movie where the act of having sex for the first time is treated like some precious ritual. No. What I want is for it to be real. I want it to feel good. I don’t care about where. I just want the other person to crave me as much as I do them.