Nicole takes a long drink and then gazes out of the window, her eyes following a tourist boat that is navigating the Thames. "You know, you're the first person I've had sex with outside of a committed relationship." Her eyes meet mine and then return to the view.
"I didn't know that," I say, happy at the knowledge and then annoyed at the way my mind is working. Nicole's previous sex life shouldn't matter to me either way if I'm sticking with the plan.
No emotions, no regrets.
The rule is foolproof.
"I don't think I'm cut out for one-night-stands," she says.
"Technically, it was twice."
"I don't think that makes a difference." It's her turn to shrug, her face impassive as she watches me.
"Why did you do it then, if it was so out of character?"
Nicole looks down at her hands that are rested on the table; delicate fingers tipped with French-manicured nails. I remembered how they looked when I tied her wrists, beautifully frail in their bindings.
She appears as though she's struggling with what to say next, but I find myself hoping she'll confide in me.
"I've been asking myself the same question. I've always tried to do things properly. My parents are childhood sweethearts, and they still love each other as much now as they did when they were sixteen. I always wanted to find what they have, so it's important to take things slowly. My first boyfriend was nice, but it didn't last. We went to different universities, and he called it off after a few months of trying to maintain a long-distance relationship. The second happened at uni, and it didn't work out. The last was someone I met through a work colleague. He turned out to be a…a bad apple."
I raise my eyebrows, wanting her to elaborate. Had he cheated, hit her, been abusive in some other way?
She continues. "I've done everything right, but nothing has worked out. I guess I just wanted to do something crazy for once. Something just for me, and not care about the consequences."
"But it wasn't what you wanted?"
She looks shy for a minute, a small smile playing at her pretty lips. "It was pretty great in some ways, but emotionally unfulfilling in others. After I left your apartment, I felt really empty. I don't think I could do it again, knowing that sex always comes at such a high price for me."
It's hard to hear about her vulnerabilities, not because I find them annoying as I usually do with women, but because I understand how black the hurt can be when relationships end. When you do things hoping they are going to make you feel good, but they end up making you feel worse. I'd lived the days after Adrianna trying to drown out the darkness I felt with alcohol and women, but the more I poured into myself, the emptier I was inside. "Everything comes with a price," I say solemnly.
"Sometimes, the price is worth it, but not always."
"So, if one-night stands aren't for you, does that mean you're going back to searching for a relationship?"
"I don't know. I just think it's best to avoid anything at the moment. I think I need to nurse my wounds until I feel stronger."
"Some wounds never heal, Nicole. You've just got to find a way of patching yourself up and getting on with it."
"Is that what you've done? Patched yourself up by sleeping your way through the female population of Atlanta?"
"Everyone deals with things in their way," I say, looking to catch the eye of the waiter so I can pay for the meal and we can get moving. At least as far as I will allow it, the conversation has run its course, and I want out.21
NICOLEAaron is nursing a pretty severe hurt. After our conversation, he seems to withdraw into himself. I don't like to see him so quiet, knowing I'm responsible for dredging up old feelings, but I don't regret asking him about his motivations. I want him to see that his rule is inhibiting him from finding a real connection. He might deny that he wants to find a meaningful relationship, but I can see the fear in his eyes when he talks about it. He's just like me, probably burned by a past relationship and allowing that damage to impact the way he's living his life, and not for the better.
We decide against going up to the top of the Shard, the tallest building in England. The mood has changed, so I suggest going back to my place, mainly so Aaron can collect his things, but when we arrive, he comes inside and stands awkwardly in the hallway.
"Shall I make us tea?" I ask, sensing he doesn't want to leave immediately, despite his driver waiting outside.
"Coffee? Thanks," Aaron says, following me into the kitchen. He seems uncertain, almost uncomfortable in his own skin, so I chatter aimlessly about a project I've been asked to lead at work, and a trip I have planned with my friends Maya and Abbey. When I turn to pass him his tea, he's staring at me intently.