Aaron is scared, as scared as me.
I start to roll my hips, slowly at first, holding his face as I move, watching his lids lower with pleasure. He shakes his head slightly as if he's warring with himself, willing his body not to enjoy what is happening or his mind to not succumb to the intimacy of it. I stroke over his lips with my thumb, grind my clit against him and moan when I feel him start to swell inside me.
"Aaron," I say, not recognizing the sound of my voice. "Look at me." He shakes his head, so I put my face right in front of his. "You feel so good," I say, kissing his mouth. "I love touching you."
He moans as I speed my movements, pulling me tightly against him and rolling us, so the cool of the bed is at my back, and the heat of him is pressed on top of me. He takes over, thrusting into me so hard I feel myself shifting up the bed, and I wrap my arm around his back, pulling him down against me so we're mouth to mouth and joined as much as we can be. He's trembling, and I hold him tighter, legs clasped around his hips, arm around his chest and hand clasped to the side of his face. "Nicole," he rasps against my mouth. "Fuck."
He comes hard, seizing so tightly, face screwed up as though it hurts. He doesn't stop thrusting through the whole thing, as though he wants to extract absolutely every ounce of pleasure he can, or is trapped within the need to release more than just his orgasm. His breathing is so ragged it chafes at my heart. "It's okay," I soothe. "It's okay, baby. Let it go."
Aaron stays above me, even as he softens, face pressed into my neck. My sweat cools, but I don't move, just hold him to me and stroke his back. Eventually, he lifts his hips slightly, so his cock slips from me. I feel a trickle of wetness between my legs and register that he hasn't used a condom. I'm on the pill, but it's stupid, regardless. Stupid and so unbelievably sexy to feel what he has left inside me, spilling out onto the sheets beneath.
He has a hand at the top of my head, and I can feel him absently playing with my hair.
We don't talk, just rest in our thoughts for a while. I have so much to say to him, but it doesn't feel like it's my turn to speak. I've said enough.
I know that I feel something deep for this man who is such a strange mix of tenderness and strength, who holds himself apart so that he doesn't get hurt but cares so much about my feelings that he's flown over an ocean to mend things. I'm so frightened of going back to the bitter grief I've been feeling, to the times when I wake each morning feeling normal for just a few seconds before the sadness crashes over me like a breakwater. I'm not ready for this, but I can't go back. I took a chance in that hotel bar, wanting to do something frivolous and adventurous; my first one-night stand. But instead, I've ended up with this growing connection to someone who is obviously in no fit state for a relationship and with no desire to form one.
Stupid girl for risking my heart again.
As if he reads my mind, Aaron starts to speak softly against my neck.
"I'm so stupid, Nicole. I shouldn't have followed you here. I shouldn't have done any of the things I've done. If I've hurt you, I'm so sorry. You have to know I didn't want that. You have to know how sorry I am."
I turn my face, so my lips are closer to his ear. "You said something to me in Atlanta, about me choosing what happened, and you're right. Do you think that I would have done any of this if I hadn’t wanted to? Do you think I wouldn’t have tried to stop you? I'm not saying that I'm not hurting, but this isn't something you did alone, Aaron. It's something that started before I even met you, and I know it started before all this for you too."
Aaron shifts again, sliding off me slightly so his chest is only half across mine and one thick thigh is resting between my legs. He puts his hand over my breast and cups it tenderly, as he did before, but his face remains hidden in my neck.
"I loved someone once," he says, as though the words hurt to come from his mouth. "I thought she was perfect, but she lied about so many things that in the end, when I found out about what she'd done, I didn't know up from down. I couldn't trust anyone, and worst of all, I couldn't trust myself. I hadn't seen what she was doing or suspected what she was capable of. It’s made me doubt all my decisions when it comes to relationships."