The sincerity on her face both crushes me and lifts me up at the same time. To know that she sees more in me than I see in myself. No one’s done that before.
“I was forced to come here.” I slowly reach out, resting my fingertips on her kneecap. “Left to my own devices, I’d be pushing half a gallon of water just to drag my ass through practice while hungover right now.”
“You had a choice, Alexei. Everyone has a choice. And you’re putting in the work. You’ve been hurt in the past, and—”
I flinch and pull my hand back. “I’ve never been hurt.”
“You didn’t do anything to deserve it.”
I shake my head and turn away. “You’re looking for something to blame my drinking on, and there’s nothing there.”
“That’s for another conversation. Right now, I need to own what I’ve done that was inappropriate and let you know it won’t happen again.”
I recoil. “Graysen, you haven’t done anything inappropriate.”
“I shouldn’t have let myself—”
I lean in, putting my hands on her knees now. “What if it was supposed to be this way?”
She looks down at my hands. “See, I’m supposed to move away right now. Tell you that we have to keep this professional. But—” She swallows hard and lays her hands on top of mine.
“I feel something, too,” I admit.
She practically jumps out of her chair, her voice thick with emotion. “Don’t do that. Please, whatever happens from here, just…don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
I stand up and start to walk over to her, but she puts a palm up to stop me.
“Don’t pity me. My crush on you is wrong on every level, but I don’t want you pretending you feel anything back just so I’m less embarrassed.”
“I’m not pretending.”
Graysen laughs bitterly. “Look, let’s table this session for today.”
“No.”
When I step closer to her, she takes a couple steps back. I keep coming until her back is against the wall of her office and there’s only about a foot of space between us.
“I’ve thought you were pretty since the first time I saw you,” I say. “You’ve caught me checking you out.”
She looks up at me, opens her mouth to say something, but then closes it again.
I continue. “I look forward to our time alone together every day.”
“That’s because we’re making progress.” Her voice is nearly a whisper.
“It’s because I want to talk to you. And for me, that’s a really big deal.”
Graysen gives me a sad smile. “Everyone wants to talk to their therapist. I love talking to mine and she’s a fifty-something mom of four.”
I furrow my brow. “Since when do you invalidate my feelings when I tell you about them?”
Her laugh is nervous. “I can’t believe you just accused me of invalidating your feelings. You’re starting to sound like me.”
I close some of the distance between us, my lips just a few inches from hers. “How about if I kiss you and we see how it goes?”
Her eyes are wide circles of panic. “No! You can’t do that.”
“I can, though.”
As I lean in, she puts her palms on my chest and pushes me away, gentle but firm.
“No. We need to end this conversation for now.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not…I don’t kiss patients in my office. I don’t kiss them, period. This—” She gestures between the two of us. “—is not why we’re here. Yes, I’m attracted to you. But I really, really want to focus on your sobriety.”
I take a step back and her face visibly relaxes.
“Yeah, I get that.” I meet her eyes with a serious look. “But no more wall between us.”
“Alexei, we can’t—”
“I know. I’ll be all business in group sessions. But when it’s just you and me, we’re gonna be completely honest with each other.”
She cringes. “Okay, but we’re going to be honest about the issues that brought you here, and how you can stay sober.”
“Deal.” My lips crook up in a smile. “Mostly.”
“Alexei—”
“You smell good.” I grin at her. “See you in group, Dr. Wells.”
I turn to go, my smile widening as I hear her half groaning and half sighing behind me.13GraysenMelinda’s eyelids are puffy and the makeup she was wearing earlier is completely gone. My session with Alexei this morning knocked me off balance; the one I had with Melinda after that took me in a completely different emotional direction.
“I feel like a failure as a husband and a father when I drink,” Joe says during our group session. “There’s just this sick feeling that comes over me as I take that first sip. I hate myself, you know?”
He’s on the verge of tears. Melinda reaches over and puts a hand on his back. She understands self-loathing better than anyone here.
This morning in my office, she raged. She cried and screamed about the unfairness of it all. She admitted to fantasizing about jumping in front of an oncoming vehicle so she can die the same way the victim of her DUI crash did.