“You’ve told me so many times that I get to decide what I want for myself. That life gives us a thousand small choices every day, and I’m in control of every one of them.”
I nod. “That’s true.”
“I want you in my life, Graysen.”
Shaking my head, I say, “You don’t even know me.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“You don’t know me outside of Beckett. I’m not like the women you usually date.”
“Which makes you perfect for me. I’m done with all that shit.”
I sigh softly. “Alexei…”
“You’re not dating anyone from that app, are you?” He asks it with certainty. “I know you’re not. You have feelings for me, too.”
“Do I wish things could be different for us? Yes, I do. I like you a lot, I don’t deny it. But you and I are very different. You know me in some ways, but not in others.”
He hikes up his brows. “Why are you being so cryptic? If there’s something I need to know about you, just tell me.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yeah, it is. What is it, Graysen? Are you relocating for a new job? Have an estranged husband?”
I wrinkle my face with dismay. “No, nothing like that.”
“Let me remind you again that I’ve been spilling my guts to you daily for a while now. If I need to know something about you, have the decency to tell me.”
My throat tightens with emotion. God, this is hard.
“I’m careful with my heart,” I say softly. “Overly careful, really. I’ve been hurt, and it takes a lot for me to even…give anyone a chance.”
“Hurt in past relationships?”
I shrug. “Yes, but I haven’t had many relationships. The hurt started with my parents.”
“I’m sorry, Graysen.”
“Don’t be, it made me into who I am today. I have deep empathy for the damage addicts can do.”
“Because of your father?”
I nod.
Alexei is quiet for a few seconds before saying, “It’s because I’m an alcoholic, isn’t it?”
I hang my head. “Mostly, yes.”
“So all this time you’ve been telling me I’m worth it and I can do this, but the truth is, you don’t think I’m gonna make it, do you? You think I’ll go back to drinking.”
“No,” I say, louder than I meant to. “I don’t think that. But the guidelines we recommend here, they’re not just random ideas, Alexei. As your therapist, I truly believe, with all my heart, that you need to focus on your sobriety and physical therapy when you leave here. I’ve seen lots of people succeed when they leave here, and I’ve seen many fail, too.”
“You don’t think I can handle staying sober and being with you? There’s nothing better for my sobriety than you.”
Tears well in my eyes. “You can’t do this for me. You have to do it for yourself. I’ve taken you as far as I can, but now it’s going to be on you. And while there’s a selfish part of me that wants to keep seeing you, my greatest wish is for you to be healthy and sober.”
He nods, his expression serious. “How long?”
“What do you mean?”
“How long do I have to be sober for you to give me a chance?”
I smile sadly. “Give it nine months. But you aren’t going to want your boring old therapist when the time comes.”
“Let’s say I do. Will you trust me enough to try?”
My heart dances in an uneven rhythm. I never anticipated Alexei would be this determined to date me. Even though I’m sure I’ll be the furthest thing from his mind in nine months, it feels really good.
“If you had been sober for nine months, and if you weren’t dating anyone else, and if you wanted to go out with me…then…yes.”
He smiles. “Okay. That’s all I need to know.”
“Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
“I don’t date casually. My last relationship ended two years ago and it was very painful for me.”
“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”
I frown at the memory. “My boyfriend at the time, Chris, went out with some friends and came to my apartment in the middle of the night drunk. I didn’t know he was coming, and he got in bed with me. I panicked. Even after I figured out it was him…I still came unglued.” I take a deep breath. “I somehow managed to drag him to my front door and shove him outside. He started beating on my window and yelling for me to let him in and my neighbors called the cops. He told them it was a misunderstanding, but I told them he wasn’t coming into my apartment drunk. Anyway, he got pretty nasty with them and he ended up getting arrested. He lost his job over it.”
“Sounds like he got what he deserved.”
I nod. “I think so, too, but he said some very hurtful things about me.”
“Fuck that guy, he didn’t deserve you.”
“True.”
“I’m glad you told me,” he says. “And I’m planning to stay sober, Graysen. With everything in me, I want it.”