“Yeah.”
“Tell me more about it.”
“Hey, that’s my line,” I tease.
He shrugs. “I learned to extract information from the best, what can I say?”
I sigh heavily. “My childhood was very dysfunctional, you already know that. My dad was an alcoholic and he was a mean drunk. I lived in fear of him a lot of the time. And my mom, she refused to see things as they were. If he hit her, she’d say she shouldn’t have made him mad.”
“Damn, I didn’t know it was that bad. I’m sorry.”
I shrug. “I’ve overcome a lot of it, honestly. I’ve spent years in therapy. I haven’t had contact with my dad in almost ten years. He says I think I’m too good for him, but the truth is, I just refuse to put up with his shit. He and my mom have broken up and gotten back together so many times I’ve lost count. Last I knew she was shacked up with a drug dealer.”
He squeezes my hand, emotion pooled in his eyes. “Why are you unsure about kids? You’re nothing like either of your parents.”
“I guess…I know in a textbook way how to be a good parent. And I’ve seen it in action, too, in Amelia’s family. But given the way I grew up and what I see at work every day, I just worry. I can do everything in my power to give my children a peaceful, happy life, but…it’s not all up to me, you know?”
Alexei nods. “You worry that I’d take up drinking again.”
“No, it’s not…I don’t know. There are so many things that can go wrong.”
“What about all the things that could go right?”
I smile at his use of another one of my tactics.
“I wasn’t sure I could risk falling for a recovering alcoholic,” I say. “You know that. But in the past six months, I’ve come to accept that it’s outside my control, anyway—I’ve already fallen. I know there’s always a possibility of hurt, and I’m willing to take that on for myself. But for kids…it’s different.”
“I get it. Not being in control is hard for you.”
My mouth falls open in surprise. “You’ve already figured out what it took me a long time in therapy during college to see in myself.”
“Oh, you’re a total control freak, babe. But you come by it honestly.”
“Do you want kids?” I ask, wondering if this is a future deal breaker for us.
“I never really thought about it until Anton became a dad. I do want kids, if I can change your mind about it.”
I try to pull my hand away, but he shakes his head and keeps holding on.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he says softly. “Two people in a relationship need to be on the same page about the big stuff, yada yada.”
I smile. “I wasn’t thinking the yada yada part.”
Alexei’s expression is serious. “You fell in love with a hard case. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I always will be. I fell in love with a hard case, too, though. You’ve been treated like shit in the past and you’ve got trust and control issues. You accept me as I am, and I want you to know…it’s the same for me. I accept you as you are. I’ve spent every day since I left rehab working to earn your trust, and I’ll never stop.”
Tears form and spill over onto my cheeks before I can hold them back. Alexei already knows me so well. His words are a balm on my wounded heart.
When our dinner comes, it’s the most elegant, delicious meal I’ve ever had. We eat slowly, sharing bites with each other and savoring both the food and our time together. I never thought I’d be a woman who gazes across the table at a man adoringly, but with Alexei, I so am.
After three hours, we reluctantly get up to leave. Every step we take toward the door makes my heart a little heavier, because this is it. Alexei won’t be coming home with me. I’m not ready for that yet. It’s only been six months. But tonight has given me a taste of what we could be, and I don’t want it to end.
“I’m going to Kauai with a bunch of teammates and their wives in a few weeks,” he tells me as we wait for my Uber on the sidewalk. “Luca has a beach house there, and the team does a big trip there every offseason. I know you probably don’t want to, but—”
“It’s not that I don’t want to.”
“I know. But if you want to come, we can do separate rooms. I just want to be with you, Graysen.”
“I’ll think about it,” I say. “The trip, I mean. I want to be with you, too.”
His lips turn up in a smile as he takes my face in his hands and leans down, his lips brushing over mine in a soft, gentle kiss. My entire body warms as he deepens the kiss, my arms unconsciously sliding around his waist. We’re both breathless by the time he pulls away.