“The sun is starting to set. I don’t want to waste it here. Let’s go to the beach by my place,” he said.
My smile grew bigger. “Okay.”
“Open up number five.”
I eagerly removed the wrapping of the fifth present, which turned out to be a machine that played ocean sounds.
“This is perfect.”
“Unplug your sunlamp and replace it with that. It’s getting dark now anyway.”
Happily following his orders, I smiled. “Okay.”
We sat in silence, listening to the sounds of my new ocean machine.
“Where are you right now in actuality?” I asked.
“I’ve been at the beach by my place the entire time,” he admitted. I could hear his lighter, then the sound of his blowing out smoke before he said, “Give me something, Rana. Anything. Tell me what you’re wearing.”
I told the truth. “I’m wearing a T-shirt that says Jesus Loves This Hot Mess, and I’m…not wearing any pants.”
“You’re just in your underwear?”
“Yes.”
His breath hitched. “What about your hair?”
“It’s damp from the shower. I took one right before you called.”
“It’s down to your ass, right?”
“Yes. It’s longer than it’s ever been.”
“Beautiful,” he whispered. “What does it smell like?”
Sniffing it, I pondered how to describe the scent. “Coconuts and mint.”
“Mmm,” he groaned. “I’m trying to imagine that. I’d give anything to smell it right now.”
“What are you wearing?” I asked.
“A black hoodie and black cargo shorts.”
“Are you going to rob a store?”
When he didn’t even pretend to find that funny, I could sense something was bothering him. He didn’t say anything for almost a full minute.
“What’s wrong, Landon?”
“Tell me more about the past thirteen years, Rana, the time after you moved away in particular.”
“I thought this was supposed to be a lighthearted date.”
“Well, if we were really sitting by the beach right now, I’d want you to talk to me. I’m trying to make this realistic.”
Baby steps.
Give him something.
“I’m not really proud of who I was as a teenager. I had really poor judgment and no real self-respect. I let people take advantage of me. I can’t even say my actions were my mother’s fault for leaving, because my father was always there for me. I like to blame Shayla, but really, I have to take responsibility for my own decisions. I know I’m being vague, but the bottom line is, I’ve learned from my mistakes.”
“When you say you ‘let people take advantage’ of you…you mean sexually?”
How should I answer that?
“In part, yes. I had low self-esteem. It was my way of acting out. By the time I hit twenty, I started to get my head back on straight, though, but it was a rough five years or so before that.”
“Have you had boyfriends?”
It was hard for me to admit that I’d never had an official boyfriend. What twenty-six-year-old can say that? It was partly by choice, though.
I answered honestly, “No.”
“Have you dated?”
“No.”
“From what I can see…which I know is limited…guys would be fucking knocking down your door. I don’t get it.”
“It’s not that they don’t try. This is just something I’ve chosen for myself. I haven’t wanted to get involved with anyone.”
“Living like a nun is what you’ve chosen? You can’t change the past by punishing yourself in the present. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but I can’t stop living because of them.” He hesitated. “You’re not going to tell me everything, are you?”
He was perceptive. He knew I was holding back. I decided to turn it around.
“Are you going to tell me all of your deepest, darkest secrets?”
“Eventually, yes.” He didn’t even hesitate with that answer.
I believed him, and that scared me, because I didn’t want to have to reciprocate. Landon’s honesty, his need to peel my layers was too much to handle so soon.
“The conversation is getting a little too serious for my liking,” I said. “This wasn’t supposed to be an intense date.”
“Who said that?”
“I just assumed.”
“I know you’re guarded. I guess I just want you to know that I won’t ever judge you. Believe me…that would be like the pot calling the kettle black.”
“I just need to take this really slow.”
“What is this? Define this? Does it involve me ever getting to see you…actually touch you? Because you can’t take it any slower than having thousands of miles separating us.”
“I honestly don’t know what this is or what I can ever truly offer you, Landon.”
“You sent me that photo, and it totally fucked with my head. I was actually pretty okay with things the way they were. But that photograph really reminded me that things don’t have to be this way. And honestly, I think the fact that you sent it to me means that you really want more, too. You’re just scared, and I’m trying to figure out why.”
“I’m sorry I’m such a science project, that you have to try to figure me out. That first drunk phone call should’ve served as a warning. You should just run for the hills. I’m a weirdo.”