Right now.
My feelings morphed from jealousy to guilt. What if I couldn’t leave Rory behind, was stringing Channing along, and ended up keeping Channing from a good, healthy relationship?
“Can I ask you something, Channing?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think you would be with her if this whole thing with me wasn’t happening?”
He paused then said, “I probably would, but that’s irrelevant. With Emily, it was always infatuation. With you, it’s different. What we have feels…soul crushing.” His tone turned angry. “And by the way, if you think I could be moving on with someone else so quickly right now, clearly you didn’t hear one goddamn word I said before I left. And that worries me. It makes me feel like you don’t really believe any of it. You have this idea in your head that I’m out with Emily, and meanwhile, I’m home on Christmas Eve, miserable and missing you…just wishing you were here so badly.”
I felt like an asshole. “I miss you, too…so much.”
Neither of us said anything for about a full minute until he asked, “Have you seen him?”
“No. I’m seeing him tomorrow for Christmas drinks at his neighbor’s place. It will be the first time I’ve seen him since before you left.”
Channing’s breathing got heavier. “I really thought I could fucking handle this. The truth is, I’m not doing a very good job.”
“Who could possibly handle this well?”
He surprised me when he said, “I need to see you.”
“How?”
“Skype. Can you do it?”
“Yeah, of course. Let me just log in. My username is Amber Walton Double Zero Eight. I’ll add you. Call me when you’re ready.”
We hung up, and I set up my computer on the coffee table.
A few minutes later, it started ringing. Butterflies swarmed in my belly as I prepared to see him. When he appeared on screen, I was reminded of how beautiful he is. I smiled to see that Channing was actually wearing a Christmas sweater. Even though it had only been a few days, his hair looked longer. He also hadn’t shaved.
“Nice sweater.”
“Are you being facetious?”
“Only you could look like an absolute god in a Christmas sweater with cats on it.”
“My mother bought it. It’s an ode to Kitty. I felt like I had to wear it.”
“It looks good on you.”
“You look beautiful,” he said.
“I’m wearing sweats.”
“Doesn’t matter. You’re beautiful, Amber.”
Channing was just staring at me, and I felt compelled to say some of the things I’d been saying to him in my head all night long.
“The other night before you left, you really opened your heart to me. I stood there like an idiot, frozen, unable to reciprocate. The truth is, I was a fool for letting you get on that plane without saying something—anything—to let you know how much I…” I hesitated. He told me not to use the word love while we were in this limbo. I needed to honor his wishes. I continued, “How much I care about you. I don’t even know where to begin. You blew into my life like a storm. I was so depressed and hopeless. You saved me with your light, with your laughter, with your positive point of view. Before you moved in, I had such preconceived notions about the type of person you’d become over the years. And I was wrong. You shot those down from the very first night when you listened so patiently to me. I’d never smiled so much in my life. I know you say we only had a few months together, but it truly felt like much longer. You saved me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life leading up to that night at The Peabody, and in turn, you opened a door for us that I never dreamt was possible. I never imagined that you could love me. The idea of that is still so new. But I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that you do.”
A long moment of silence passed where I just listened to him breathe. “This is hard,” he finally said.
I spoke through my tears, “I know.”
“It’s Christmas. Don’t cry,” he said.
There was a knock at the door.
“That’s strange. Hang on. Someone’s at the door.”
“Make sure you look through the peephole.”
There was no one there, but there was a box at my feet.
A delivery on Christmas Eve?
I carried it inside and returned to the computer.
“Who was it?”
“No one. There was this box.”
“Who’s it from?”
“I don’t know. It’s not labeled.”
“Open it.” The slight smirk on his face made me think he had something to do with it.
“Channing, what are you up to? What’s inside the box?”
His blue eyes sparkled through the screen. “Merry Christmas.”
“How did you manage this?”
“I have elves.”
“Really…”
As if he hadn’t already given me enough with his patience and understanding over the Rory situation, he’d gotten me a present? I felt terrible because I hadn’t gotten him anything. I just didn’t feel deserving of any of this.