Be uncertain. Live anyway.
He was totally right. I’d been waiting for a safe feeling. It might never come. There would always be fear of losing him for one reason or another. And in focusing on the fear…I was losing the one thing that ever mattered…the only thing that ever really existed: today.
I let go and took a deep breath. “Yes. Yes, I will be uncertain with you.”
In that moment, for the first time in a long time, I felt at peace. I gave up the fight to figure out tomorrow and chose to live for today.Later that night, Rush was taking a shower when I decided to take a walk around the house. I stopped in the nursery and flicked the light on.
Everything was exactly the way it was when he’d first shown it to me. I ran my index finger along the mobile hanging over the crib. Despite everything we’d been through, Rush had never changed a thing in this room. That spoke volumes about his intentions all along.
I started to talk to my belly. “You’re so lucky, you know that? You’re gonna have the best daddy, who loves and protects you—just like I had. Except, unlike me…you’ll have a mommy who loves you, too.”
I felt the baby kick. “But, God, you’d better be a boy. Tony could handle a girl…but Rush? I don’t know. I feel bad for any of the boys being born right about now if you turn out to be a girl.”
His voice startled me. “You talking to my baby?”
His baby.
“Yes. We’re talking about you.”
“Nothing bad I hope, because when he takes one look at me, that’s gonna be terrifying enough. I might scare the shit out of him. So, I need you to put in a good word in the meantime.”
I laughed. “I was telling him how lucky he is to have you as a dad. He’s gonna love you so much…just like I do.”
Rush pulled me into a hug. He smelled so good, fresh out of the shower.
He let out the longest breath into my neck. “I want to tell Elliott this week. I hate to even bring it up…but the sooner we do it, the better. I want him to know where things stand, that in all of the ways that matter…I’m this baby’s father. I just want to get the whole damn thing over with, so we can start moving on with our lives.”
My stomach dipped. As much as it hurt me to think about, I knew it was inevitable and the right thing to do...to get it over with. “Okay. This week.” I nodded. “We’ll tell him this week.”“Why don’t we have you stand right behind her and wrap your arms around her stomach?”
“Gladly,” Rush said as he enveloped me in his arms before nibbling at my neck.
Flash.
Flash.
Flash.
It was the afternoon of my prescheduled pregnancy photoshoot. Rush decided to accompany me to the City, so the photographer thought it would be a cool idea to have him in some of the photos with me. Personally, I had a feeling she was getting off on his being there, probably loved shooting him more than me. Overall, it was probably a bad idea…because with all of the touching, Rush was getting very excited.
Earlier, we had taken some shots of me alone wearing angel wings, an ode to Rush’s love of winged women. Now Jenny was just focusing on capturing the two of us.
He continued to kiss the back of my neck while she snapped away.
She held up her large camera with the long lens. “That’s it. Just like that. Kiss her neck again.”
Flash.
Flash.
Flash.
I was laughing as he tickled my neck with his lips and could feel the swell of his erection behind me. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take photos of Rush kissing and fondling me while I was half-naked clearly didn’t know my boyfriend was a horny preggophile.
“Why don’t you come stand to the side of her?” she said.
Rush whispered into my ear, “Not sure I should move from behind you right now…I’m at full mast.”
I broke out into laughter and told her, “Um…can you just continue taking photos with him behind me? We like this position.”
Rush snorted.
The photographer scratched her chin and looked like she was pondering her next move. “How would you feel about taking your top all the way off and having Rush hold your breasts?”
Ummm.
I hesitated. “Uh…that wou—”
“I love that idea,” he said.
She smiled at him and looked at me for approval. “Gia?”
I shrugged. “Sure…yeah.”
Rush did the honors of slipping my shirt over my head. He unsnapped my bra and threw it on a nearby chair. Then he took his hands and cupped both of my breasts. His hands were barely able to fit around them anymore.
He let out a low moan, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that my maternity shoot had somehow turned into a porno.