My mother offered me a sad smile. “Sweetheart, sometimes the risk of what bad things could happen keeps us from experiencing all the good things life has to offer.”
My mother wasn’t the type of person to throw out advice lightly. The best parts of me were the things that I learned by watching how she acted. So I contemplated what she’d said for a few minutes. I wanted to be with Gia…and not in the normal way I wanted to be with women—which usually capped out at a meal and a few hours in bed. I wanted to sit around and talk to her. I wanted to take her to my mother’s to watch the way her eyes lit up when she looked at the paintings for the first time. Of course, I was also borderline obsessed with being inside her—not just getting her off and finishing myself off either. I wanted to fill every orifice of that damn woman. A few days ago, I’d dreamt of fucking that ballsy mouth of hers. Apparently yesterday it was ass day. So why wasn’t I giving being together a chance?
There was only one answer, and I didn’t like it very much at all.
I’m fucking afraid.
Coming to that realization, I looked up at my mother who’d been sitting there quietly just sipping her tea and waiting for me. Her eyes searched my face before she spoke again. “When you’re afraid to fall in love with someone, it’s usually because you’ve already started to fall, sweetheart.”
And here I thought I was so slick all these years, keeping everything from my mother. I shook my head again. “Have you always been such a philosopher, and I didn’t see it?”
She laughed. “Some of the best philosophers on love failed at love themselves, you know.”
That broke my heart to hear my mother say. I knew my father had fucked her over, but I never really questioned why she didn’t have a boyfriend most of my growing up. This was already a strange talk…what the fuck…
“How come you never dated when I was growing up?”
She sighed. “I actually really loved your father. He wasn’t the person he is today when he was with me back then. At least he didn’t seem to show me that side of him. Or I didn’t want to see it. But I was blindsided when I found out he was married, and in that moment he revealed his true colors. It took me a long time to heal, and I was busy raising my beautiful son…working…painting. I used the excuse of being busy to justify not letting anyone in. You probably don’t want to hear this…but I wasn’t celibate all the years you were growing up, even though you never met anyone.”
“You’re right. I definitely don’t want to hear that.”
She smiled. “My outlook on relationships wasn’t much better than yours is now. In fact, that’s why it’s so clear to me what’s going on with you. It’s like looking in the mirror at my life years ago in a lot of ways.”
“And here you are giving me advice. Even though you don’t take it yourself.”
She got up and put her mug into the sink before sitting back down. “Actually, I have taken my own advice. I’ve been seeing someone.”
My brows jumped. This was just getting fucking weird. “Oh yeah?”
“His name is Jeff. He’s an art gallery curator. We’ve been seeing each other for almost a year now.”
“A year? Why haven’t you ever mentioned him? Or brought him with you on a visit?”
“I don’t know. I guess in the beginning I assumed it would be my typical relationship. I hadn’t expected it to blossom so beautifully.”
Wow. Just wow.
“You’re just opening up about everything today, aren’t you?”
Mom laughed and stood. I took a close look at her for the first time in a long time. She looked really happy. “I need to get going for my couch delivery. If I miss it, they’ll charge me another delivery fee. Why don’t you and Gia come in next week one day and have lunch. I’ll show her my work, and then we can all go over to Jeff’s gallery and check out the show he has on display and have some dinner. I think it’s time you meet him.”
She walked to me, and I stood and enveloped her in a big hug. I had an ache in my chest when the thought that Gia didn’t have a mother to do this with popped into my head. It made me want to share mine with her.
“I’ll load your car for you.”
Watching Mom drive away, I waved one last time when I caught her looking back at me in the rearview mirror. I stood at the bottom of my driveway for a few minutes just thinking. Until it hit me. Had I just set up a double date with my mother—and a woman I wasn’t dating?