I swallowed. Jesus Christ. I loved the way he seemed so possessive of me, as if he couldn’t help himself and wanted to dominate my body in an almost animalistic way.
He opened his eyes and stared down. “Fuck…so beautiful. So, so perfect.”
Watching his orgasm take hold was one of the most magnificent things I’d ever witnessed. The tension in his face coiled as the muscles in his abs went rigid. With a groan of my name that was so sexy it had my own body close to its own release, he let go—exactly how he’d said he’d wanted to—all over my neck.The protectiveness in Rush extended to after care. He cleaned me up with a warm towel, and then returned the favor by going down on me again. Unlike last time though, I didn’t pass out from exhaustion right after. While Rush had fallen asleep, I remained awake. My thoughts wandered from obsessing over getting my heart broken to fantasizing about what actual sex would be like with him. The latter led me to think about our conversation earlier and my monthly cycle, when I could start back on the pill.
Wasn’t I due for my period?
Would that ruin it for me if he wanted to have sex this week? It was at that moment in the middle of the night, lying in Rush’s bed, I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a normal cycle. Last month was so light and spotty, but I still assumed it was my period.
And now I’m late.
But how late?
Panic set in.
It couldn’t have been that much more than a month ago.
Was it?
Suddenly, I started to really panic. I normally marked down the first day of my cycle on my phone calendar. I needed to know. I needed to check my phone right now to see when the last time I had marked it down was.
Rush was still out like a light as I moved his arm off of me and slipped past him, making my way over to my purse on the floor.
Taking out my phone, I went straight to the calendar. I scrolled back through the days to check the last time I’d made a note about my period.
Passing over the last month and realizing there was no note entered, I started to feel my heart beating faster. It wasn’t until my finger stopped on the date of the last entry that I really started to freak out. The last time I had gotten a normal period was over two months ago.
It wouldn’t have been so concerning were it not for the fact that I’d had sex with a man prior to that time—my one-night stand from The Heights.The following morning, I tried my best to remain calm for the remainder of my time with Rush. There was no sense in freaking out or jumping to conclusions without a concrete answer.
Rush dropped me off at my house and left me alone to allegedly write.
But there was no writing happening. I must have stared at the wall in my room for several hours.
My eyes wandered over to the sunset painting that Rush’s mom had given me. It was an image that once brought me so much joy but that now made me feel pure sadness, a reminder of all of the things I could be missing out on—an entire life of possibilities that might never be.
I’d be seeing Rush tonight again and didn’t know how I was going to face him unless I knew for certain. Yet, I just couldn’t get myself to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test.
How could I have put myself in a position where this was even a remote possibility? I’d done my best all my life to make sound decisions. That night with Harlan was one of the few times I had truly screwed up. I mean, I didn’t even know his last name or if his name was really Harlan. I couldn’t contact him if I wanted to. I had been feeling vulnerable and depressed about my career when I met him, and he’d provided a distraction, charmed the pants off of me—literally. But it was a huge mistake. To think that one mistake in judgment could possibly mean my ending up with a lifetime of responsibility was unfathomable.
I could barely take care of myself; I wasn’t ready to be a single mother.
It would break my dad’s heart.
And that scenario would surely be the end of Rush and me. He was hesitant to commit to a relationship as it was, let alone get involved with a girl carrying another man’s child—a man who’d disappeared.
Placing my head in my hands, I thought back to last night, how amazing it felt to be with Rush. I was falling so hard for him. I knew he was taking it physically slower with me than he was used to. And that made my need for him even stronger. I wanted him so badly in every way. Now, I might never get to have any part of him. Unless this result was negative, I might never experience what it would be like to truly be with Rush.