CHAPTER SEVEN* * *EDENI’d been counting the days until Ryder got back. His return from India couldn’t come soon enough. Tonight was the first night things would be back to “normal”—if you could call our relationship that.
I hated how emotional I’d been the entire time he was away. It was a reminder of how dependent on his company I’d become and how difficult it would be when things inevitably ended.
Every night I wondered if he was hooking up with someone or whether he was realizing there was so much more to life than being home every night and talking to me online. I didn’t have the liberty to travel the world and live the way he did. He didn’t realize that talking to him was the highlight of my days.
The fact that I was getting so attached to him was troubling. My job was supposed to be a means for survival. But I’d let things get out of control with Ryder and couldn’t help myself. I was already so far gone.
During the few times we were able to make our schedules work while he was away, I did a lousy job of hiding my mood. Even though I tried, he’d constantly asked if I was okay. That’s how I knew my efforts to hide my true feelings were futile. It amazed me that he was always able to see through them.
Tonight, things were going to work a little differently. We’d be connecting on Skype for the first time since he came home. When he went to India, because our time was limited, we decided to use Skype for our chats instead of the private room. Skype was going to be an easier way to communicate, in general, moving forward, because it allowed more flexibility. He’d sent me a Skype message to expect a call at eleven. I told him I’d decided to take a rare night off, that I needed a break.
My breather consisted of spending the evening listening to music while anticipating his call.
Waiting anxiously, I did my hair and messed with my phone until the computer started ringing.
His face lit up the screen. “Hey, beautiful. I’m back.”
“Welcome home.”
Welcome home. His smile had become like home to me. My blood pressure seemed to drop at the sight of him.
“I’m glad to be home. I can’t believe you gave yourself a night off. You deserve it. I don’t think you’ve taken a break since I met you.”
“I think you’re right. I hadn’t.”
Now that he was right in front of me again, in the same country, I felt so much better. “I missed you. I mean, I know we kept in touch, but it wasn’t the same.”
“I missed you, too. Like crazy, Eden.”
Like crazy. That was how all of this felt sometimes.
“Are you still glad you went?”
“You know, I really am. I made a lot of good contacts and learned a shitload about the international market. It was definitely worth the trip.”
“Good.”
After a brief pause, he asked, “What’s wrong? Something’s bothering you. It’s been that way since I went to India.” He frowned. “Is this not working for you anymore?”
“No!” I was quick to say. “Just the opposite.”
He seemed really confused. “Can you just be honest with me? Please? Tell me what you’re feeling.”
“I don’t know what I’m feeling… I’m just scared.”
“Why?”
Because I’m not supposed to be falling for you.
“I was miserable when you were away. I missed not being able to talk to you at night. And that really freaked me out.”
“What’s wrong with feeling that way?”
“We agreed that our relationship would stay the way it is—virtual—and I feel myself losing control of my feelings for you.”
“Then let me come see you. Tell me where you live. I’ll be on the next plane.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m too scared it will change things. I love the way things are now.” A tear rolled down my cheek.
“You don’t look like you love it. You’re in fucking tears.”
“This is the way it has to be.”
He watched me wipe my eyes before he said, “I am aching for you, Eden. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life than to smell you, touch you, hold you…and a whole lot more than that. I understand that there’s something you don’t want to tell me, and I’ve accepted that up until now. But it’s damn hard.”
This was the first time he’d confessed to a physical need for me. He’d always been the quintessential gentleman—to a fault. I sometimes questioned his attraction to me.
“Why haven’t you told me you want me in that way before—physically?” I asked.
“Isn’t it obvious how badly I want you?”
“Well, you never…you know, ask me for anything. I keep waiting, wanting you to—”
“Ask you?” His tone bordered on angry. “Don’t you have enough fucking men asking you for sexual favors?”
“But you’re different. I—” I stopped myself, knowing full-well what I really wanted to say.