I could relate to that guilt. So often I’d blamed myself for not doing something more to find my sister and help her. I’d never imagined she would take her own life, and that was a very naïve way of thinking.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” I said.
“I learned a lot from it.” He threaded his fingers with mine and looked down again at our hands. “Anyway, to answer your question, despite the fact that in her letter she asked me to look after you, I never considered doing it, because it didn’t make any sense—some strange guy you’ve never met showing up at your door, asking if you’re okay? You didn’t even know me. I didn’t see how that would help you. So I decided against it.”
“What changed?”
“As the years went on, I still couldn’t shake what happened. I couldn’t change anything about the past. One day I woke up and realized maybe the only way to rid myself of the guilt was to do what she’d asked. It felt like the least I could do for her. So, I looked you up more than a year ago and found out about this rental situation. I planned carefully so I could book my stay far enough in advance to get a spot this summer. I was pretty shocked when I was able to reserve it for the whole summer, but I decided to go for it.”
I couldn’t make my brain work. “So, you came here on a mission to what? Make sure I wasn’t a mess? To save me?”
“Honestly, Heather, I didn’t know what I was going to do when I got here. I just came because I felt I owed it to Opal. I felt like my lack of action in getting her help had contributed to her death somehow. And I couldn’t live with that. The time was right for me. I had no real commitments anymore. So I bit the bullet.”
Finally, I nodded. “Now it makes sense—all the work around the house, helping me get it on the market, encouraging me to go away to school…”
“Well, that’s the part that makes sense to you, but so much of this doesn’t make sense to me anymore. What I didn’t expect was that almost immediately, I felt very connected to this place—to you. Despite that, I was adamant that I wouldn’t get emotionally involved. That’s why I was so standoffish with you in the beginning. From the second I got here, I felt more invested than I ever imagined, and I’ve tried to fight that. I never meant to interfere with your life, to insert myself into it. My goal was to honor your sister’s wishes, to make sure you were okay, and to set you on the right path before I left. I figured three months was enough time to make that happen. But I never expected to connect with you the way we have, to feel what I’m feeling. And I certainly never planned to tell you the real reason I came.”
My God. I still had so many questions.
“Was this the reason for your divorce?”
“No. All of the mistakes I told you I made happened before Opal. My relationship with Olivia was already in shambles by the time I received the letter. But my depression really kicked in after that. So it certainly didn’t help, but it wasn’t the main reason. We wouldn’t have lasted anyway.”
“Does Olivia know why you’re here?”
“Yeah. That’s partly why we’ve been in touch a lot lately. She’s been checking on me because she knows everything. My father, too. They’re the only ones who know why I came here.”
“Did they encourage it?”
“Olivia thought I was crazy. My father got it, though. He didn’t see the harm in it, if it alleviated some of my guilt.” He searched my eyes. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Feeling numb, I told him the truth. “I don’t know how to feel right now. I’m in shock. Total shock.”
“I was so worried you’d be angry at me.”
Anger wasn’t the right word. As much as this floored me, I couldn’t be angry at him when his intentions were good. As bizarre as this story was, I could understand how it happened.
“I can’t be mad at you for this. None of it is your fault. You’ve always told me not to blame myself for anything when it came to Opal’s death. Well, the same goes for you. You couldn’t have known what would happen. I didn’t realize Opal was capable of taking her own life, and I was her sister. I knew her a lot better than you did. We tried to help her, but she wasn’t letting us. I’ll never know if I could have stopped her death if I had tried something different.” I paused to take a breath. “The point is, if her own family couldn’t help her, there’s likely nothing she would have allowed you to do to help her, either.”