Jesus. Everything that came out of my mouth reminded me of sex.
He licked some of the stew off his lips. “Tell me what happened when you got back to the house.”
I paused and put my spoon down. “My mother knows. She knew right away. I didn’t even have to spell it out.”
He froze for a moment. “Great. Okay. Thanks for the heads up.” Expelling a long breath, he said, “I need to stay far away from the house.”
“No. She’s okay. We talked a lot. I don’t want to get into all of what was said, but the bottom line is she accepts whatever decisions I make and doesn’t blame you for anything. She won’t treat you any differently.”
He looked skeptical. “I’ve fucked her daughter. You’d better believe she’ll be looking at me differently.”
“She’s not going to make your life miserable.”
“Well, that’s good to know.” He muttered, “Jesus. I’d want to kill me if I was her. I looked her in the eyes and vowed to never touch you.”
A long moment of silence ensued. Then we both started to talk at the same time.
“You first,” Noah said.
I tried to gather my thoughts. “The entire day I’ve been thinking about our talk this morning. My mind has been alternating between that and fantasizing about last night.”
His eyes seared into mine. “I can’t stop thinking about last night, either.”
This was the part where I really needed to swallow my pride.
“I’m sorry for overreacting to your concerns. I know you have my best interests in mind. I think you’re right…about everything, even if I don’t want to accept it. Even if I tell you my feelings won’t change when I go away, you won’t believe me until that’s proven. As much as I feel like hanging everything up and chasing you back to Pennsylvania, I know you would never let me make such a rash decision. So, I am still going to Vermont, and you’re still leaving. Last night isn’t going to change that, but it still breaks my heart.”
He rested his head in his hands for a moment before looking up at me. “Don’t think for one second that last night didn’t have a profound effect on me. It’s made things ten times harder, which was always what I was trying to avoid.”
“I know. That’s why as hard as it is—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—I don’t think we should do it again. I don’t think we should have sex any more while you’re here.”
His face told me he wasn’t expecting that. Perhaps he figured me for a weaker person?
“Yeah…okay…I agree,” he said.
“I don’t regret what we did and wouldn’t change it, but I feel so much more attached to you. Given everything that’s going to happen, I can’t afford to make that worse. I’ll never be able to let you go.”
Noah stared down into his stew a moment. “For the record, I don’t regret it, either.”
I grinned. “Maybe we should go back to just hanging out on the porch.”
That made him laugh. “Sadly, I don’t think you’re kidding.”
“No, I’m not.”
“We can do that. Whatever will make it easier.”
I exhaled. “Is this what it’s like to be an adult? Making mature decisions, even if they don’t feel right?”
“Bonus points if it feels like your heart is being ripped out, yeah.”
It pained me to ask, “Have you decided when you’re leaving?”
“No. I don’t have a set date, aside from the thirty-first being the last day I’m paid for.”
“Would you consider staying a little bit beyond that?”
“I’ll stay as long as you need me.”
“Thank you. That’s a huge relief. I have so much to do. It’s overwhelming.”
“Take a deep breath. We’ll get it done.” His eyes lingered on the marks he’d left on my neck. “Fuck. It hasn’t even been a full day, and this is already hard.”
Need burned within me just from the way he looked at me. Maybe this would get easier as the days went on, but right now I just wanted to leap into his arms.
I totally chickened out when that feeling got to be too strong. Pushing my chair out, I said, “Thank you for the stew. I’m gonna head back to the house and start putting some stuff aside for the yard sale. I was thinking of having one next weekend.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for some pie? We never touched it last night.”
“No. That’s okay. You enjoy it. You can tell me how it came out.”
“Okay.” He stood. “Let me know if you need help with anything.”
“I will. My aunt Katy is coming next weekend. I was going to ask you if you’d come with us to see some properties. I’d love your input.”
“Anything you need,” he said as he walked me to the door.
But what I needed, I couldn’t have.CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO* * *NOAHThe next Sunday afternoon, Heather’s aunt Katy had come up from Boston, and we’d made appointments to see five different houses in nearby towns that were close, but not exactly on the lake. Alice had opted to stay home. Too overwhelmed by the idea of moving, she’d decided to let Heather and Katy make the decision.