Forcing myself out of the car, I could feel my blood pumping. My heart felt like it was inside my mouth when I made it to her window and spotted her on the bed. She was lying down with a blanket over her face, as if to block out all light.
I knocked on the glass.
She jumped, then turned to the window and met my gaze.
My heart broke as I looked at her beautiful eyes. I realized seeing the sadness in them was worse than my own fucking pain. I loved this girl. I hadn’t been falling in love with her. I was in love with her, fully and wholly. Still in love with her. And fuck if I knew how I was supposed to get over this—if I’d ever get over it.
She opened the window for me, and I stepped inside.
I forced the words out. “You couldn’t tell me what you needed to tell me in person? I don’t mean enough to you to at least break up with me to my face?” The shakiness in my voice caught me off guard.
Get it together.
She could hardly get the words out. “I…I couldn’t...”
“Why?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“So it was all true? It’s like that? It’s just...over?”
She closed her eyes and whispered, “Yes.”
The words flew out of me. “I love you, Raven. I’m in love with you. I stupidly thought maybe you were starting to feel the same. How could I have been so wrong?”
She continued looking at her feet.
“You haven’t looked me in the eyes since I entered this room. That’s why I’m here. So you can tell me it’s over to my face. Then I’ll go, and that will be it. You don’t want to see me anymore? You will never see me again.”
She started to sob.
What the fuck? Why was she doing this if it upset her?
“Tell me to my face, and you will never see me again.”
She lifted her head and looked me straight in the eyes. “It’s over, Gavin. It’s over.”
“Why the fuck are you crying, then?”
“Because it’s hard for me.”
“Even as you’re telling me to take a hike, I still fucking love you. How messed up is that?”
She didn’t respond. Instead, she looked back down at the ground.
I gave it one last shot. “It’s really over?”
She looked at me one last time and said, “Yes.”
Tears stung my eyes. I didn’t know if she could tell I was fighting them or if she even cared. But I’d made a fool of myself in every other way today, so what were a few tears?
I bit my lip and forced myself to step back.
My voice trembled. “Thank you, Raven. Thank you for teaching me you never really know someone.”
After crawling out the window, I ran to my car, secretly hoping she’d yell for me to come back, declare that this was all a mistake. I would’ve run right back to her.
I started the engine but didn’t take off right away. Instead, I looked over at the house one last time. She wasn’t coming after me.
As I finally sped away, I let the tears fall. They blinded my view of the road. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried like this. I’d allow myself to have this moment—this one cry. When I crossed the bridge, I’d find a way to get my shit together. I vowed never to shed another tear for that girl after this.
I’d find a way to forget her.CHAPTER FIFTEEN* * *RAVENWhen I heard his car speeding away, I knew it was safe to let go of the pain. With my back against my bedroom wall, I slid to the ground and broke down.
I mumbled the words I so wished I could’ve expressed to him. “I love you, Gavin. I love you so much.”
Never in my life had I felt a sadness like this, a mixture of pain, emptiness, and longing. And I couldn’t talk about it with anyone. No one could know why I did it—not Marni and especially not my mother.
I knew the only way I could survive this would be to erase all memory of him. Any reminder would be too painful to endure. I would have to unfollow him on Facebook, block him altogether. I couldn’t bear to see him moving on with other girls, moving on with his life. The thought of that cut like a knife.
The realizations came in waves. I’d never be held by him again. I’d never feel him inside of me again. I’d never hear him tell me he loved me again. Until today, I hadn’t known he felt that way. To hear that as I was letting him go felt like the cruelest of life’s jokes.
I went to his Facebook page to block him and noticed he’d posted a song some time after he’d sped away from my house: “So Cruel” by U2.