Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
He’d ripped himself away from me before anything could really happen.
My Gavin pushed me away.
If that didn’t show what was inside his heart, I didn’t know what would.
I’m so ashamed.
I couldn’t face him tomorrow. I would call in sick for the remainder of his stay. When he left, I’d return to my position. I hated to do that to Mr. M, but I needed to stay away for my own sanity. I’d never called in sick—just like my mother taught me. Surely I’d earned this.
I lifted a photo of Mom from my bedside table. It had been taken around the time she was diagnosed. We really were doppelgangers with our dark hair, fair skin, and light eyes. So many times I’d wished I could ask her advice, but never as much as tonight. I wanted her to tell me what to do, how to make this pain go away, how to forget Gavin. I supposed wherever she was, she now knew the sacrifice I’d made for her. I hoped she understood that if I could go back, I’d still do it all over again.
A loud bang on the door shook me.
Someone was here.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
My pulse raced at the prospect it was Gavin. How quickly hope filled my traitorous heart again. Had he come back for me?
Bang. Bang. Bang.
I ran to the front door and stopped a few feet away. “Who is it?”
“It’s Marni! Let me in.”
Disappointed, I opened the door. “What the hell?”
“Took you long enough.” She barged past me, looking like a drowned rat.
“It’s one in the morning! Are you out of your mind?”
“Yes. Yes, I am. And I’m gonna tell you why.” She was out of breath. “I had to run over here. I was tossing and turning in bed tonight, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. At first, I couldn’t figure out why. And then it hit me. I said to myself…‘Marni, you need to do something. You can’t just sit back and let your best friend make the biggest mistake of her life. She’s scared. And you need to knock some fucking sense into her. Because she’s about to let the love of her life fly back to England and marry someone else.’ Over my goddamn dead body!”
“I kissed him, Marni.”
Her eyes went wide. “You did?”
“I did. And you know what happened?”
“What?”
“He pulled back so fast, it made my head spin. He doesn’t love me anymore. He loves her. That proved it.”
Marni crossed her arms. “I don’t believe that. He pulled back because he doesn’t want to fall for you again only to get hurt even worse. And he was probably scared the kiss would lead to something more. He’s a good guy. He doesn’t want to cheat on Paige. He doesn’t want to give in to his feelings for you if it means betraying someone else. But he loves you. I spent the entire bonfire watching that man look at you. He’s so in love with you, Raven, and he fucking hates himself for it. Because he doesn’t think he should love you. He doesn’t know the truth. He thinks he’s in love with someone who threw him away. You have to tell him.”
My soul screamed for me to take her advice. But fear was a bitch—a bigger bitch than my vulnerable soul could ever be.
“What if I tell him and lose him anyway?”
“Don’t you get it? Either way you lose him, babe. If he chooses her, you lose him. If you don’t tell him, you lose him. The only way to have a chance at being with him is to tell him.” Still catching her breath, she clutched her chest. “When does he leave?”
“The day after tomorrow.”
“Tell you what. Take a day. Take tomorrow. Really look inside your heart and ask whether you can live with yourself if you let him walk away. I know I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t come over here in the middle of the night in this rainstorm to beg you not to make this mistake. But ultimately, it’s your decision.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay. I promise to take tomorrow and think about it.”CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX* * *GAVINYou did the right thing. That’s what I kept telling myself.
So why did I feel so fucking wrong for hurting Raven by backing away? The whole thing was my fault. I was the one who’d gotten so close to her. Then I flipped the fuck out.
Paige.
What have I done?
My mind went in circles.
You didn’t do anything.
You stopped it.
Everything’s fine.
Then it would switch to: How could you?
On my way back to the house, I stopped at a liquor store. All we had at home was wine, and I needed something a fuck of a lot stronger than that. I picked out a bottle of the best vodka and drove straight home.