Hollis scooted closer on the couch and took my hand. “I’m sorry.”
I swallowed and nodded. “Anyway, I don’t think I can handle rehashing the weekend, so I’d prefer to change the subject. Why don’t we talk about what you came here for? What’s going on?”
He moved in closer. “I came here for you.”
Maybe it was a self-protective mechanism, but instinctively, I moved back. “For me?”
“If you were anywhere else but with your friend who needed you this weekend, I would have driven to you—never mind driven, fucking walked if I had to.”
He ran his hands through his hair, making a beautiful, tousled mess. He seemed uncharacteristically nervous. “I’ve counted every minute you’ve been gone. Holding this in has been difficult.”
My heart rate sped up. “Holding what in?”
“I wanted to say this before you told me about going to the lake with Bree. You’ll remember I came home from work that night wanting to talk. But then you told me you were going away, and I realized that given the situation, this needed to wait. You had to focus on her. But I can’t wait anymore, which is why I came up here.”
I crossed my arms. “What is it?”
“I’m done fucking things up, Elodie.” Hollis looked up at the ceiling and paused, as if to gather his thoughts. “I spent this whole week trying to find one legitimate reason, other than my own fear, as to why I can’t go all-in with you, and I couldn’t.”
Despite his candor, my guard was all the way up tonight. Maybe it was the emotional toll of the weekend. Seeing Tobias was a reminder of my own poor judgment in the past and how easy it was to be hurt by someone you thought you knew.
But more importantly, my sense that life was short was stronger than ever now. I had no tolerance for games or bullshit anymore.
“So, you’re looking for reasons not to be with me?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not hoping for a reason not to be with you. I was trying to…I guess…somehow ensure I don’t end up getting hurt. But I finally had an epiphany. I realized I can never guarantee that. I can never guarantee we won’t hurt each other. It’s not something you can rule out a hundred percent, because nothing is guaranteed in life. In the end, it comes down to whether I need you more than I care about the possibility of getting hurt. And that answer is yes. I need you. So fucking badly.”
My heart began to crack open a little, despite my best efforts to keep it closed. He was telling me everything I wanted to hear, but I wasn’t going to fully open my heart to him until I was one hundred percent convinced he meant what he was saying.
My experience with Hollis thus far had trained me to tread very carefully.
“How do I know you’re not going to backtrack again? Seriously, Hollis, I can’t take it even one more time.”
I thought back to my conversation at the lake with Bree. “I made Bree a promise this weekend. All she asked of me is that I fight for true love. Can you believe that? I would have given her anything she wanted. But out of all of the things she could have wished for, my finding true love, true happiness, matters to her most. And she understands that the biggest impediment to finding it…is myself.”
Hollis nodded. “She sounds amazing, and wise.”
“She is.” I sighed. “Anyway, I promised her I would try, that I would fight for love if I ever experienced it, that I wouldn’t run the other way if things got tough.”
It hit me in that moment that what I needed from Hollis was exactly what Bree wanted from me. “I need you to make me that same promise—that you won’t run if things get difficult, that you will fight for us. If you can’t do that, I can’t be with you. I can’t handle the back and forth. You’re not the only one with abandonment issues. I feel like I’m always holding my breath for the other shoe to drop. And the fucked-up thing is, that feeling gets stronger when things are going well between us. Thus far you’ve proven my fears are warranted. I just…want to be able to exhale.”
He looked truly pained. “I’m sorry I’ve let my issues ruin the best thing that’s happened to me in a very long time. I understand why you’re not able to trust what I’m saying right now. My word means nothing. I get that. It’s actions that count.”
He pointed to his chest. “But if you could see inside of me right now, you would know there is no doubt left, no more hesitation. I’m ready to do this, Elodie. But proving that is going to have to happen day by day. And I’m up for the challenge. In fact, it starts now.”