CHAPTER 23
LUCA“I think this is a very good opportunity for you to continue your desensitization therapy, Luca.”
Doc and I walked side by side through the woods. It was a little chilly today, so I had a light jacket on. My trusty therapist, on the other hand, had a crew neck Christmas sweater on with a cartoon picture of Jesus holding up two fingers in a peace sign. It read LET’S PARTY BECAUSE IT’S THE BIG GUY’S BIRTHDAY. Doc kept his off-season clothes in the trunk of his car, since his tiny house didn’t have much storage room. Apparently that was the first thing he could grab for our walk.
“I know, but I don’t think our relationship is ready for this. It’s so new . . . we’ve only just met in person for the first time less than a month ago. What if I can’t hack it and have a bad panic attack and it . . . it scares him away?”
Doc stopped and looked at me. “Let me ask you something. Does the fact that you’ve only met in person a short time ago make your feelings for Griffin any less real?”
“Well, no . . .”
“Okay. So how you got to the place you are now in your relationship is irrelevant. I’ll admit your circumstances are a little unique—but you’ve gotten to know this man over more than a decade. It’s not like you’re jumping into something with a stranger. I’m assuming you’re in love with him?”
I sighed. “I am. Very much so.”
“Well, then you need to find out if you can make this life together work. It sounds to me like he’s willing to bend as much as he can to figure it out. Wouldn’t it be worse if you got even closer than you already are and then discovered that you couldn’t fit into each other’s lives?”
“I guess . . .”
“Let me tell you about the agapornis.”
“The what?”
“The African parrot—we call them lovebirds.”
“Oh. Okay. What about them?”
Doc extended his hand for me to start walking through the wooded path again. He liked to tell his stories as we strolled. “Most people think of lovebirds as the bird that your sweetheart gives you for Valentine’s Day as a romantic gesture—because they mate for life. But they actually don’t need to pair up and mate in order to survive. The lovebird requires companionship, and that bonding can come from a human if there isn’t another bird available. We’re a lot like the lovebirds. You don’t need to pair up in order to live. In fact, I’m sure you’d survive just fine spending the rest of your days with only Hortencia by your side. But when the lovebirds pair up into a monogamous relationship, they become calmer and more stable.”
“Are you saying that I’d be calmer in a relationship?”
“I am, Luca. It’s not uncommon for people with panic disorders to alienate themselves like you have. They try to hide the condition to avoid shame or fear of having a panic attack in front of others. This is why a support network is so important. Once you see that people you love and trust accept you for who you are and don’t judge you, you’ll be more likely to take some risks that could result in others outside of your network seeing your panicked state. Allowing a loved one in is the next logical step for you. You’ve made wonderful progress with me over the last few years, but together we can only go so far. You need to now decide to take a chance.”Griffin didn’t ask what Doc and I had discussed. Nor did he pressure me to talk any more about what he’d proposed earlier that day. Instead, he gave me space, and we had a great night of sex and eating pizza in bed. After, we both dozed off, or so I thought.
It was about 2:00 a.m. when I stirred awake. My eyes fluttered open to find Griffin’s big brown ones watching me. He smiled.
“Is it creepy that I really like watching you sleep?”
My voice was raspy. “Sort of.”
He chuckled. “Did I wake you by creeping on you?”
I pushed back hair from my face. “I don’t think so. I think I just woke up because I have a lot on my mind. I tend to be a restless sleeper when something is bothering me.”
Griffin nodded. He didn’t need to ask what was weighing on me. Instead, he just leaned and brushed his lips against mine. “Anything I can do to help you sleep? Make you some warm milk or rub your back?”
“No, I’m good. Thank you.”
He wiggled his brows. “I hear strenuous exercise is a good method of inducing sleep.”
I smiled. “If that’s so, I should have slept for a week after the last few days.”
Griffin ran his thumb across my bottom lip. His touch was so tender that it made my insides melt. “Well, as long as you’re up,” he whispered, “can I tell you something that’s on my mind?”