Chapter 21* * *HazelOnce we returned to the house, the mood brightened as Matteo and I hung out in the kitchen, demolishing some of the sweets I’d baked. A part of me wanted to dip his fingers in the frosting so I could suck on them again. But I refrained. This more relaxed vibe as we noshed was almost reminiscent of our Milo and Maddie Hooker days.
A feeling of nostalgia came over me. How much simpler things had been back then, only a matter of weeks ago. Catching myself getting emotional, I shook that thought from my head.
“I never really gave you a proper tour of the house.” I got up. “Come on, I’ll show you around.”
He seemed hesitant but got up anyway. I knew why—because I knew Matteo. We’d always worked so damn hard to not be in a bedroom alone together. It was almost comical how diligent we’d been about that. But you know what? I took a lot of pride in my house and wanted him to see every room.
We started with the wall that displayed my sixty-eight smile portraits.
“Wow.” He stopped in front of it and grinned, marveling at the black and white photos. “The famous smile wall.”
“Yeah.”
I watched his expression as he took it all in.
He pointed to one of them. “Who was this?”
“That was a man watching his girlfriend approach him at the airport. He was very happy to see her, as you can see.”
He moved to another photo as I followed close behind him.
“And this?”
“That was a grandmother watching her granddaughter roller skate at the park.”
“They’re all genuine smiles.”
“Yup. That’s key. You saw the difference when I showed you your own smiles.”
“It’s surreal to be standing here, seeing this in person. When you described it to me, I had a vision in my mind, but never imagined I’d actually get to see it.”
“That’s wild, huh? That you’re here.”
He gazed up at the wall, and after a long moment said, “I don’t regret it, Hazel.” He turned to me. “Even with everything we know. I don’t regret a minute of it.”
“It sounds crazy to say, but neither do I.”
“No matter what happens, I will always be a better person for having met you and for having gotten to spend time with you.”
Why did his words sound kind of final?
With an uneasy feeling in my chest, I wrapped my hands around his face and reached up, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.
After several seconds of gazing into each other’s eyes, he turned his attention back to the photos on the wall.
He moved closer. “This is the one, isn’t it? The one you said was your favorite. The little girl.”
“Yep. That’s it.”
His eyes seared into mine again. “You get so much joy from the happiness of others.” He moved closer and cupped my face. “Are you happy, Hazel? That’s all I need to know. And you don’t have to answer now. Just think about the answer to that question and tell me when you know. Because if you’re happy with Brady, that’s all I need to hear. But if you’re not, you shouldn’t settle for anything less than total happiness.”
I was happier than I’d ever been when I was on the road with him; that I knew for sure. And I needed to find a way to keep that self present in my life. But if I admitted that right now, would it make me seem insensitive to Brady? Matteo’s words sparked a series of questions that were now bombarding my mind. I’d thought I loved Brady. But his canceling the wedding really left me with trust issues. I also thought I cared deeply for Matteo. But how much did I know about him, about what life would be like with him?
Brady was safe. Brady loved me—or so he claimed. But could Matteo love me now that we had this dark cloud hanging over us? And could I ever hurt Brady in such a profound way by leaving him for his friend? Would Matteo betray Brady like that, just to be with me? There were so many unknowns that wouldn’t be resolved before Matteo had to leave.
“There’s so much I’m unsure of right now, Matteo. But how I feel when I’m with you isn’t one of those things.”
He lifted his index finger and traced my lips. It lit my insides on fire. I closed my eyes, relishing his touch to the point that I found it hard to breathe. I could feel his quickened breaths on my cheeks. I wanted him. There was no denying that. My nipples hardened. I knew now that I would forego showing him my bedroom because I truly couldn’t trust myself.
He apparently knew exactly where my mind was.
“Got any face mask cream?” he asked.• • •The next morning, I could still smell Matteo’s cologne in my house. It was apparently all over the couch from when he sat there last night. I hadn’t wanted him to leave, but eventually we’d both agreed it was best if he hopped a late train. What choice did we have? We both knew the chances of us slipping were high if he spent the night. And now it felt like a clock was ticking, because the flight he’d rescheduled would be leaving New York in a few days. His leave of absence from work was almost over, and he had to get back to his teaching job after Christmas break.