Lost in my own little world reminiscing, I didn’t even realize I was still staring until Brady smiled. “What are you thinking about over there?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on. I know you better than that. You were somewhere else.”
I shook my head. “I was just thinking about the night we met.”
Brady smiled and tossed the dishtowel on the kitchen counter. “Best night of my life.”
“You waited for me for a really long time.”
He turned off the kitchen light and came around to the dining room side of the counter. The candles were the only light now. Brady cupped my cheeks in his hands. “You’re worth waiting for, Hazel.”
My heart swelled. Brady was a really sweet guy. “Thank you for a nice dinner.”
He leaned in, dipping his head, as if he was about to kiss me.
I flattened my hands on his chest, stopping him. “Brady, no.”
“Oh come on, babe. Just one kiss. For my birthday.”
I didn’t want to be a jerk, but I also didn’t feel right about kissing him. So when he leaned in again—this time ignoring my shove at his chest—and his lips covered mine, I turned my head.
“Brady, I said no.”
“What’s the big deal? It’s just a kiss, for Christ’s sake. I’ve done it a million times.”
“I don’t… I don’t want to lead you on.”
He cupped my cheeks tighter. “You won’t. I get it. Just a kiss. I won’t try to cop a feel or get in your pants. I promise.” He lowered his head yet again and pressed his lips to mine.
“Brady, stop!” I pushed him hard this time.
He stumbled back and raised his hands in the air, showing me his palms. “What the fuck, Hazel?”
“I told you not to kiss me.”
His face twisted in anger. “Well then stop sending me mixed fucking signals. You’re staring at me and thinking of the day we met, but I can’t kiss my girlfriend of four years on my damn birthday?”
“I’m not your girlfriend.”
“Whatever you want me to call you. How about friends without benefits? Does that work? Or should I be more specific? Woman I wine and dine but don’t get to sixty-nine?”
I looked down. “I should go.”
Brady stepped in front of me. “No, tell me. I want to know. What are we, Hazel? Because I’m really not understanding what we’re doing. You somehow think we can just be friends. But you know what? We were never friends. I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you, and I don’t know how to be anything else.”
I took a deep breath. “I think we need a real break, Brady.”
He laughed maniacally. “A break? Isn’t that what we’re on now? You mean there’s something even less than not being able to kiss you?”
I shook my head. “We need a clean break, Brady. One where we don’t see each other for a while. Don’t have any contact.”
“Great. So you want me to fuck other people?”
It felt like someone sliced into my heart. “If that’s what you need to do.”
Brady rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head. “It was just a kiss. Just a damn birthday kiss.”
“I’m sorry, Brady.”
“Whatever.” He shrugged, sounding defeated. “Go, if that’s what you really want.”
While I hated to leave on such a sour note, I knew it was time to get out of here. I’d never been nervous around Brady, but for a split second there, when he didn’t heed my nudge, it made me realize how much bigger and stronger he was. And I didn’t like that feeling at all. He was upset. I knew that. But it was time to go.
Brady stood and watched while I went to the closet and grabbed my coat. Thinking it was best to not drag things out, I walked to the front door without trying to talk to him further. I never looked back as I opened the door and walked out. Whatever the future was for Brady and me, it was not in the past, and that’s where we seemed to be stuck. It was time I gave myself permission to let go, decide what I wanted for myself, and see where life took me.• • •I walked for over an hour.
It was cold out, but somehow I didn’t feel it. Once I stepped out of Brady’s building, I turned right and just walked and walked and walked. After a while I didn’t have even a vague idea where I was. But I wasn’t in Brady’s apartment anymore, and at the moment, that felt right.
Maybe I had been giving Brady mixed signals. I couldn’t be sure. Every time I played back what had transpired tonight in my head, the only thing crystal clear was the memory of my heart racing as I shoved Brady off of me. Everything else was a blur. So rather than continue to focus on what had happened, I decided to concentrate on what would come next.