Little Lies

There are flashing lights in here, and every time they flicker on and off, it makes it hard to figure out which way I’m supposed to go. The hanging clowns swing above me, knocking me over when I try to stand.

River is calling my name, but my fear makes the world murky and unclear, and I feel like I’m underwater. I can’t breathe, or see, or speak anymore.

This is why Daddy wanted River to hold my hand the whole time. When I get scared, my words get stuck, and I feel frozen. It makes it hard to find me, especially in a place like this. The panic monster gets bigger in my head, taking up all the space, and I suck in shallow breaths. I try to remember all the things my art teacher, Queenie, tells me to do, but my mind is racing, racing, racing, and all I want is my mommy and not to be here anymore.

I scramble away from the feet and the bigger kids stomping and pushing their way between the hanging clowns. I bump my cheek on something hard. It brings tears to my eyes, but when I look up, I see a door with a sign that reads EMPLOYEES ONLY. I don’t know what that means, but I decide I would rather get in trouble than stay in here. I turn the knob and peek through the crack. It’s a hallway and stairs. I glance over my shoulder at the hanging clowns. I can’t go back through there.

I step out into the hallway. I feel better and worse. I just want my mommy. I want to go home and snuggle in bed with her and Daddy where it’s safest.

The walls in the hallway are yellow and dirty. People have written on them in marker. I hurry toward the stairs and stumble again, falling on my bottom and sliding down a few of the steps. They’re dirty and wet, and now so are my clothes. Tears prick my eyes because my mommy made me this dress, and I don’t want it to be ruined.

There’s a big door at the bottom of the steps. It’s red, but the paint is flaking, exposing brown underneath. It looks like dried and fresh blood. In the corner is a chipmunk, scratching at the door, trying to get through a small crack. We have chipmunks up at the cottage where we go in the summer. We feed them peanuts, and they’re so friendly, they climb right in our laps to get them. But my mommy always makes sure we don’t touch our faces, and we wash our hands after we feed them. I think this one is too scared to be friendly. He wants out, just like me.

“Hi, little guy.” My voice is barely a whisper. “I can open the door for you.”

I push on the bar, but it’s heavy, and my arms are shaking. The chipmunk huddles in the corner, and my tears come faster because now I’m afraid I won’t be able to get out, and I don’t want to go back up into the fun house where the hanging clowns are.

If I can just get the door open, I can get back to my mommy and daddy, and then I’ll be safe. The door finally clicks, but a thick chain keeps it from opening all the way. The chipmunk rushes outside, and I squeeze through the narrow gap. My dress gets caught, tearing at the bottom. Oh no. I don’t want my mommy to be upset with me.

It’s noisy out here, lights flash and people scream and laugh. I suck in a big lungful of air, which tastes like cigarette smoke. The door closes behind me with a loud click.

I feel frozen, stuck to the spot. I don’t know where I am or how to get back to everyone. My daddy always says if I get lost, I should stay where I am or find a person I trust to help me, like a police officer, but there’s no one back here except me. I don’t know which way I’m supposed to go to find my parents, and I worry River is still inside the fun house, looking for me.

I try to use some of the calming exercises Queenie taught me, but my mind is a jumbled mess, and I’m scared.

“Cali, is that you?” A big man appears out of the darkness.

I stumble back a step and trip over a rock, landing on my bottom. My glasses fall off and hit the ground. The man crouches down. His eyes are empty wells, hollow and dark. He smells wrong, like the stuff my mommy puts on my scrapes that burns.

“Are ya lost, little girl?” His words blur together. “You look just like my Cali.” He tosses an empty bottle away, and it lands in the grass with a thud.