“Okay, well, that’s just . . . kind of gross, and also probably untrue.” I shudder at the thought. While Kodiak is certainly no saint, he’s also too much of a germaphobe to play pass-the-bunny.
“Are you calling us liars?” Bethany is unnecessarily loud.
I shrug. “If the shoe fits . . .”
“Whatever. Believe me or don’t, he’s going to get tired of you, and when he does, we’ll all be there to make him feel better.”
Her outburst is drawing attention—the embarrassing kind. I’m actually mortified for her, and also myself, because this is fairly horrifying as far as public self-humiliation goes. But I recognize that it’s par for the course. And when Kodiak is likely playing professional hockey next year, the rumors will become infinitely worse. Things will be taken out of context; pictures will be manipu-lated. I know because my mother has never hidden what happened with her and my dad when they first started dating.
My relationship with Kodiak will most definitely be tested.
These are all the things I’m thinking about as Bethany rants and raves about how she’s determined to get her team-bunny status back.
“What’s going on here?”
Kodiak’s voice brings instant relief and added anxiety at the same time. I don’t want him to lose his shit publicly on these girls.
“Kody! Oh, hey! We were just talking. Isn’t that right?” Bethany’s smile is ridiculously fake.
I stare at her in absolute disbelief. As if I’m going to pretend we were having a fun, casual chat.
“Lavender?” Kodiak wraps an arm around me, going into overprotective mode. “Stay away from my girlfriend.”
“We were girl bonding.” Bethany flips her hair over her shoulder and motions between her and me. “Sharing stories, ’cause we know what you’re like.”
I can’t even with this girl. “Look, Bethany, I’ve known Kodiak for as long as I’ve been breathing, so whatever chance you girls think you have with him, you don’t. He’s mine. He’s always been mine, and he will always be mine. End of story.”
I tug on Kodiak’s arm. I need to get away from these girls and the scene they’re causing before they say something even more humiliating, or expose either of us in ways I’d prefer they didn’t. I’m so angry, I’m shaking.
Kodiak tightens his arm around me as we cross the quad toward the closest building. A student comes out of a stairwell exit, and Kodiak catches the door before it can close, tugging me inside. He pulls me against his chest, wraps me in a hug, and tells me how sorry he is while he rubs my back. I let him, because it’s freezing outside, and he’s warm, and it feels nice to be held.
Someone mutters excuse me, and he shuffles us out of the way, finally releasing me. He jumps back like I’ve turned into a poisonous spider, eyes wide with panic. “Shit. You’re shaking. Are you okay? I’m screwing this up, aren’t I? I shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Shouldn’t be doing what?” I’m super confused right now.
He runs a hand roughly through his hair. “Falling into old patterns.”
“Old patterns?”
“Trying to save you from a panic attack.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not having a panic attack, Kodiak.”
“But Bethany was ripping into you, and you’re shaking, and I thought maybe you were starting to panic because of all the people around.”
“I’m shaking because I’m pissed off.”
“At me?”
“No, at her and her asshole friends. I’m also highly disturbed by her lack of self-worth and how intent she seems on being a team fucktoy when you’re done with me.”
“Oh.” He looks appropriately chagrined. “Well, that’s never going to happen. Either of those things.”
“I know. That’s why I told her you were mine.” I rub the space between my eyes. “I’ve learned how to deal, just like you have, Kodiak.”
“I know you have. I just . . . I think it reminded me of that time with Courtney, and then everything got so messed up after that, and I lost you for more than half a decade, and I really can’t go through that again.”
I take his cold hand and press it against the side of my neck, doing the same with mine. “Who’s panicking now?” It’s half joke, half not.
He huffs a laugh. “Me.”
“Don’t forget that I’ve grown up with Mav being a giant playboy and River being a commitment-phobe. We’re okay, Kodiak. You’re not creating dependency by wanting to be there for me, and I don’t need you to save me, but it’s nice to feel safe and loved.” I tug him closer, and he wraps his arms around me again.
I sink into the affection, aware he needs it as much as me.
Maybe even more.
Maybe he always has.Chapter Thirty-TwoThe Fears That Bind Us
Lavender
Present day
THE FALL SEMESTER ends—I pass economics with Kodiak’s help, barely—and the winter semester rolls in, bringing colder temperatures, more snow, and the desire to hibernate. Hockey and studying takes up more and more of Kodiak’s time. He has frequent conversations with his parents about making sure he’s finding balance between sports, schoolwork, and friends—something he’s never been particularly good at, and still isn’t. I know when he’s been talking to his dad, because those are the nights he’s extra needy in bed.