Hate You Not

“Dammit. I’m so sorry.” I squeeze my eyes shut—so hard that a bolt of pain strikes through the hurt one.

“You don’t have to love me back, Burke.”

She says that, and my heart starts to pound. I try to get my breath and calm myself down again, but… I can’t. I sit up. Then I get out of the bed. I walk over to the wall, touch it with my hand. My head is buzzing like I’m going to pass out. It’s like that day in the Floatin’ Bean ice cream place, but about a hundred thousand times worse. I step into the closet and let myself sink down to the floor.

“You think you can hide in there?” He laughs, but it’s not funny. It’s a laugh that says he hates me.

“You leave him alone, Kirke!” Mom cries.

His footsteps recede from my closet door, heavy strides shaking the floor a little. “You shut the fuck up, you stupid twat! You think you can stop me from doing anything?”

“Burke?”

I blink, but it’s dark and blurry. June’s arms come around me.

“Mom, I just need vinegar! I told you last week, I need vinegar or it won’t work! Ask Daddy to bring it when he comes home from work.”

Her dull gaze flicks up at me from where she’s lying on the couch. “He’ll be home late, honey.”

I start crying. “What about my baking soda vinegar train? It’s due tomorrow for the science fair!”

“I’m doing my best, Burke.” She sits up a little. “Asher, go play in the playroom, please.” He runs off, and she grips my shoulder. “You know Mommy’s tired, Burke. I’m so tired. After I nap, maybe we’ll go down to the store and see if we can find the vinegar. How does that sound?”

Anger rises in me. “Dad made you this way! You’re not acting like my Mom, and now you never do!”

I run off, to my closet, slam the door, and play with a train set I left in there. A while later, Asher comes in, and he plays with me.

“Burke, I’m hungry. Where is Mommy?”

“On the couch, where she makes her home.” I roll my eyes.

He frowns. “She’s not there…”

“Burke—you have to look at me. You’re worrying me.”

June’s voice cuts through the thick fog. I tug air into my lungs, look at her and nod. I grip her arm, and she sighs.

“Okay. Burke?” Her hand is on my face, cupping my cheek.

I get up, even though my whole head throbs. “I want to get in the bed,” I rasp. It’s a different bed, and that whole room feels different. With June in there with me…

“Okay,” she murmurs.

She helps me up into the bed, her hand on my back, which is sweaty.

I lie on my back this time. Fuck, I’m so damn dizzy. When she wraps her arms around me, my throat tightens up, and my eyes well.

I turn on my side and hug her hard—the way I’ve wanted to since she showed up in my hospital room. My lips press against her hair. “You smell good…like always.”

“I am good.” Her small body tenses in my arms, and I let out a long breath.

“You are. You’re good, and I’m so fucking sorry.” I brush my lips over her forehead. “I’m sorry.” My body jerks as a little shiver moves through me. “I’ve never—” I bite my lip, not sure how to explain. I don’t know what to tell her. How I’ve never let myself feel like this.

She strokes my hair. “We don’t need to talk right now. You need to try to rest.”

Tears fill my eyes. “Why do you make me this way?” I manage.

“Because you’ve got good taste, Sly. And because of what I said.” I feel her let a breath out. “I know you’re tired…and feeling bad. Just go to sleep. We can talk about how I’m a unicorn some other time.”

I don’t remember falling asleep. When I wake up sometime later, everything is dark and quiet and June’s not by me.

A groan escapes me as I blink around the room. I think it mostly looks the same. My eyes are drawn to the desk that’s built in between the bookshelves—where my school project sat that night. I can almost see the box of baking soda sitting there…the lightweight plastic train my mom had picked up at a local science store the week before.

I look at the closet, at the bedroom door—slightly ajar. The stupid shaking starts again.

I put my hand over my chest, the way June told me to that day I napped in her bed. I lie back and close my eyes and try to feel myself breathe.

I cover my eyes with my hands, rub my temples, roll over. June’s careful as she climbs back into the bed. I can feel her hesitation before she wraps one of her arms carefully around me.