I blush, trying to close the window before she can read, but she starts to laugh loudly. A laugh that I’ve only heard a few other times, filling up the studio. “I knew you hadn’t had any in a while, but I didn’t think that’s the way you’d do it. Good for you.”
“Good?” I’m trying to ignore the burning in my cheeks.
“Of course! You think I’m going to judge you for that? If you knew what went on when I was younger you’d be redder than you are now.”
This isn’t happening. I close the browser window and pretend that I’m buried in a hole where no one can see me. “Spare me those details, please.”
Sandra waggles her eyebrows. “I don’t know, maybe it would give you some ideas.”
A stab of pain goes through me. She’s right. I’m not that interesting a person, not that talented, not that beautiful. It’s one of the reasons I left Aguila. I was exactly what everyone said I was—completely average and on track to stay there and do nothing and be nobody. Just like Catherine said on the phone, I’m probably going to end up alone. But just for tonight, I thought it would be fun to imagine what a man like Hudson would see in me. I didn’t lie to Catherine, I am happier here in the city, and I have ambition. I want to be a successful photographer, and I love that Sandra is helping me with that goal. But she’s not wrong, I’m not a person that would do something crazy like this. Or at least I wasn’t until I spilled coffee on a ridiculously handsome man named Hudson.
“Sandra,” I say, “This is embarrassing.”
“Sweetie, at my age, nothing is embarrassing. Throw me a bone.”
I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. “I…ran into a man this morning,” I say. “He mentioned this club.”
She grins, “And you want to go see him?”
“Yeah...”
“Good for you, girl,” she says. “It’s a costume party?”
I laugh nervously. “Yes. But I think there might be more lingerie than actual costumes.”
“Ooh,” she smirks. “Sounds fun. Maybe I’ll buy a ticket.” The look on my face must be horrified because she starts laughing again. “I’m just kidding, dear. I’m too old for all that. Well, I’m not, but I understand why you wouldn’t want to go to a sex party with your boss.”
“I mean…I’m not going to stop you,” I say nervously.
Sandra rolls her eyes. “Don’t worry. I have no plans to infringe on your sexy time.”
“Oh,” I hold out a hand, “I don’t plan on—I’m not going to—” my breath is shallow in my chest, and the words come out in a whisper, “have sex. I just think it would be fun, intriguing, to see what one of these things is like.” The thought of going to this and actually having sex is overwhelming and embarrassing. Even if Hudson did call me beautiful…
Sandra raises an eyebrow. “So… you’re telling me you bought a ticket to a party you would never normally go to, to see a man you’ve only just met, and you’re not going to fuck him?” Blood flames in my cheeks again and she nods like she’s gotten a confirmation. Oh, God. Next time I need to do my research at home. I love Sandra but this isn’t something I want to talk about with her. “Keep telling yourself that, dear. But when the time comes, I hope you get some.” She glances at her watch. “We’re not going to have any walk-ins at this point. Go get yourself something sexy.”
“You sure?”
“Course I’m sure! But I want details tomorrow.” She laughs as the blush comes back into my face and I hurry out the door before she can embarrass me further. She won’t be getting any details out of me, that’s for sure. Though I’m sure she’ll tease me until I’m blushing brighter than a tomato. I already can’t believe I’m doing this. But here I am, driving to a lingerie store. For something I’m going to wear. In public. What am I getting myself into?
3
“This might be the worst idea I’ve ever had,” I say to the mirror. I’m in the only lingerie store I know of, and they do have a hell of a selection, but nothing feels right. I’m currently wearing a bright red babydoll dress that feels garish and like I’m trying way too hard. This was probably a mistake. It feels like I’ve already tried on the entire store, and I don’t know that I’m going to find something that I’m comfortable in—if that’s even possible when shopping for something you’re going to wear to a sex party.
“Hello?” A chirpy voice calls from outside the dressing room.
I open the door a crack and peek out at one of the sales assistants I’ve seen walking around the floor. “Hi.”
“Can I help you find anything? I heard what you just said, and maybe I can help.”
Groaning, I open the door further. She works in lingerie—I’m sure she’s seen plenty of women in it. “As embarrassing as it is,” I say, clearing my throat. “I’m going to a Halloween lingerie party tonight. I’ve never done anything like this, and I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Her face lights up. “That’s awesome. I can totally help
you.”
“You sure? I think I’ve tried on the entire store.”
“I’m sure.” She looks down at what I’m wearing. “It’s not your worst idea ever, but I understand why it’s not what you’re looking for. Too bold if it’s your first time.”
I put on the robe they give to customers. “You sound like you’re familiar with all…this.”
She chuckles, “You’re not the only one that comes in shopping for parties like this.”
“What’s your name?”
“Hope,” she holds out a hand. “And you?”
“Christine.”
Hope nods. “Well, Christine, the first thing you should tell me is how you want to feel.”
I stop for a second, trying to recover that feeling I had this morning when I ran into Hudson. I didn’t feel like me. I felt…special. “I don’t want to feel like me,” I say. “I want to feel like someone who goes to a sexy lingerie party and is confident. I want to be that mysterious woman across the room.” That feels right. I want to be the person Hudson locks eyes with from far away, our stares drawing us closer until we meet, unable to resist each other.
“I can work with that,” she says with a smile. “I’ll be right back.”
The dressing room is really nice. It’s posh and brightly lit with tri-mirrors and soft couches. I sit down on one and wait while Hope moves around the store. I can see her move back and forth, collecting items for me to try on. There are still gnawing nerves in my stomach, but somehow Hope’s approval gives me more courage. She doesn’t think I’m crazy for doing this. Neither does Sandra.
Hope enters the dressing room again with an armful of lingerie. “Okay, I think we’ll definitely have a winner in here.” She hands me a green babydoll a little longer than the one I have on. “This one first.”