Sexy Beast

As ever, it is soft-hearted Dominic who cracks first. ‘All right. I will help you. Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.’

Gratefully, I rush to him and hug him tightly. ‘Thank you. Thank you so much, Dom. You don’t know what this means to me,’ I say, tears stinging my eyes.

Next to capitulate is Shane. I squeeze both his hands. But my mother just sits there like a statue, tears pouring down her face.

‘Leave me for a bit with Ma,’ I tell my brothers. They leave the room silently and close the door.

I don’t talk to my mother. I go and sit next to her, hold her hands, and look into her eyes. And suddenly we start crying. Both of us just weeping.

‘How could this happen to you?’ she sobs. ‘You’re my baby. Without you there is no joy in this family.’

‘Then help me beat this,’ I choke back.

‘How?’

I wipe my eyes. ‘I’ve already done a bit of research on the net this morning, but I’m going to do more. The plan is to keep myself so healthy that the cancer cannot advance at any great speed. I only have to keep it at bay for 76 days,’ I tell her passionately.

I see a trembling ray of hope shine into my mother’s eyes. ‘76 days?’

I nod. ‘Just 76 days, Ma. That’s not much to give up for a whole baby, is it?’

My mother covers her mouth with her hand and shakes her head.

I sigh with relief.

She uncovers her mouth. ‘I’m so proud of you, Layla. You’ve really grown up good.’

I could have gone home and done my research there on my on laptop, but I want to include her, so we go upstairs to the desktop computer that she never uses and pour over cancer research together. We stay clear of allopathic treatments or websites that don’t have any endorsement by serious doctors or researchers. In two hours, we’ve printed reams and reams of research material. We split the papers into two piles. Ma takes one and I take the other.

It is nearly lunchtime when I lift my head from the article I am studying. BJ is waiting for me at home. For as long as I can remember, my mother has always stood in the kitchen surrounded by food when I left the house. Today, she is wearing her reading glasses and the kitchen table is full of papers.

I look at my mother and I feel a great sadness. I pull myself together. I cannot afford, even for a second, to reflect on or question my decision. It will bring fear into my body and sap away my strength.

‘Bye, Ma,’ I say, kissing the top her head.

She grabs me, hugs me tightly, and follows me out of the house. Her forlorn figure waves to me from the front door.

THIRTY-SIX

Layla

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.”

— Hippocrates, recognized as

the father of modern medicine

I arrive home and find BJ up on the roof terrace. He glances at me and carries on staring out at the landscape.

‘Hey,’ I say and sit beside him.

‘Hey yourself,’ he replies. There is something in his voice that makes me turn and look at him closely.

‘What have you been up to?’ I ask.

He kicks at something by his feet and an empty bottle of Scotch rolls out and hits the table leg.

‘I see.’

‘I’ve confirmed the appointment for the scan and biopsy tomorrow at nine in the morning,’ he says.

‘I’m not going.’

‘Yeah? Why not?’ His voice is vaguely aggressive, as if he is just getting started.

‘Because there is no point, is there? All that will happen is they’ll confirm what Dr. Freedman said and increase the chances of the pregnancy terminating.’

‘Jesus, this just gets worse and worse,’ he mutters furiously.

I touch his arm. ‘BJ? Remember when you said you’d do anything for me?’

He closes his eyes, the anger dying out of him.

‘I really need you to do something for me now.’

He opens his eyes. They are so black they are like holes in his sad face. ‘I want to tell you something,’ he says quietly.

‘OK.’

He looks at me, his face twisted with bitterness. ‘It’s not going to be pretty.’

I don’t speak. It is as if the air is made of the most delicate glass, cold and breakable. I feel scared. There is already so much on my plate and I am afraid I will not be able to cope with whatever he is going to tell me. My head inclines so slightly it’s almost not perceptible.

‘I’ve never told anyone. I don’t even allow myself to think it.’

I stare at him, hardly daring to breathe.

‘Do you want to know why I fight? Why I used to be so goddamn crazy in the pit that I almost killed a man once?’

I remember the way he had attacked his opponent in the pit. It was vicious and merciless. A light breeze ruffles his hair and drops it to his forehead. His eyes are vulnerable and defenseless. Yes, I can handle anything about him. Anything. I nod.

‘At my birth, my mother was incorrectly told to push before she was fully dilated. It ruptured her cervix and she lost the ability to ever again carry a child to full term. After that, she lost four children: A boy at 18 weeks, a set of twins—a boy and a girl—at 22 weeks, and another girl at 21 weeks. There were others that fell out as lumps of blood in the toilet. It ruined her life.’

I shiver at the thought.

‘My father had a smile identical to mine. Everybody thought so. They also thought he was the perfect father. No one knew that he blamed me for the deaths of my siblings, or that he often battered me senseless.’

I stare at him in shock.

He smiles bitterly. ‘Yup. He had hands like raw meaty hunks. Broke my jaw twice, he did. He claimed he was toughening me up, but I think he enjoyed it. Abusing me was entertainment for him. I understood what he wanted early on. He wanted to see me cry. I’d be screaming inside, but I never cried. I kept it all inside. All the rage. All the pain. All the hurt.’

‘Oh, BJ,’ I gasp.

‘From the time I was fifteen, I’d walk around looking for a fight. I’d walk into a bar or a club, and all it took for the rage to take over, for me to send a guy to the hospital, was a wrong look. Any provocation, no matter how small or insignificant, was enough to fill my guts with fury. I was a ticking time bomb.

‘It poisoned my bloodstream. Every once in a while I had to let it out in a safe environment. Like a bloodletting. Stress relief. Every victory in the pit was a victory of my vulnerable, younger self over my father.’

I frown with confusion. ‘Then why did you tell me you trusted your father?’

‘I did. I trusted him to hurt me. He showed me the face that no one else saw.’

‘And your mother. Did she know?’

‘She knew. There was nothing she could do, but pretend. We both pretended.’

‘What happened to you is absolutely horrific, but why do I sense that you’re linking it with our child?’

‘I’m the spitting image of my father. I’m gonna batter that boy, Layla. I’m not going to be able to help it.’

I freeze. ‘You’re not your father,’ I whisper.

‘You don’t know that. Even I don’t know what’s inside me. His brutality created a monster.’

‘Oh my great, big hero, my heart, my love, you’re not your father. You’ll never be him. I don’t have even a second of worry that you’ll batter our Tommy. Not for one second. Your father was a monster. I know you’re not.’

He drops his gaze. ‘I don’t love this life enough to stay on without you. If you go, I want to go with you.’

I crouch in front of him. ‘Listen to me. I don’t plan to go anywhere. I really think I can do it. Other people have. I’ve been on the Internet all morning with Ma doing research. I’ve found out that people are fighting their cancers by all kinds of methods.’

He looks at me and I see how much he wants to believe me, but he is afraid to take the risk. He wants to take the riskless path. r />

‘Cancer is not a disease I caught from dirty water or someone else. My own body made it. So even if they cut it all out, if I live in exactly the same way I have been doing until now, my body is going to make it again.’

‘I feel so fucking helpless.’

I smile softly. ‘Well, you’re not as helpless as you think.’

He looks at me curiously.

‘This is going to make you laugh, but you know how I said I wanted you to get out of the drug business? Well, looks like I’m going to need you to get back into it. I need you to supply me with marijuana.’

His eyes widen.

‘I need the fresh leaves and buds. And I need loads.’

He frowns. ‘For what?’

‘Apparently the marijuana leaf is a highly medicinal substance. Besides being antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, and neuroprotective, it possesses an anti-cancer nutrient compound known as cannabinoid. Cannabinoid is capable of many wonders, but the most exciting thing about it, is its ability to normalize cell communication within the body. It bridges the gap of neurotransmission in the central nervous system and brain by providing a two-way system of communication, a positive feedback loop. So for people like me, whose systems are compromised by rogue cancer cells, a positive feedback loop can be established.’

‘So you’re going to be high the whole time.’

I shake my head. ‘No, heat is needed to convert the THCA element of raw cannabis into THC, which creates the high. I’m going to juice raw marijuana leaves and buds and eat salads of hemp sprouts.’