"Actually, Austin is doing really well. College wasn't a great fit for him, but now that he's started working at a gaming company, he seems to have found his niche." She refilled his glass. "What about you? I need the full rundown on all of your brothers and sisters. I talked briefly with Olivia and Maddie when they called to check in about your week here, but we weren't able to catch up properly. Start with Maddie. She sounded so mature on the phone."
"You're going to freak when you see her at Drew and Ashley's wedding," he said. "One second she was a little girl and the next she wasn't."
"How are you dealing with that, Mr. Protective Big Brother?"
"Badly." They both laughed, though he was speaking the truth. "No one will ever be good enough for her, but telling her that would be as good as shoving her into some loser's arms."
"You're right. There's nothing you can do but suck it up when she brings home Mr. Wrong." She shook her head and made a face. "It's something every girl's got to learn for herself."
"What happened with your ex?" Now that she'd given him that Mr. Wrong lead-in, he had to know. "Why did you break up?"
She looked over at the pool, almost as if she didn't want to look him in the eye when she answered. "After graduation, Bruce had all these plans for us in Rochester. Really detailed ones where I swear he must have sat down with my parents to map it all out--where we were going to live, work, how many kids we were going to have." She grimaced. "Everyone heard wedding bells."
He wanted to be angry at Bruce, at her parents, on Taylor's behalf. But how could he blame them when he was sitting here wanting the exact same thing, wanting those wedding bells ringing for him and her?
"I was the only one who didn't hear them," she continued. As if she could read Justin's mind, she said, "I know you didn't like him. But he's a nice guy, has a good heart, means well. And staying with him was safe, the kind of safety that I knew my parents wanted for me. Being with Bruce kept me tethered to Rochester, and it gave them hope that I wouldn't leave forever." She sighed. "You know it isn't really about me. They're still just so destroyed from losing the baby they had before I was born." Justin was one of the very few people who knew this about her family. "I think part of the reason I've played it safe is because I hate the thought of causing my parents another moment of grief. Even though we've never actually sat down and talked about their lost child, it feels like it's colored everything in our lives."
"I know what it's like not to want to talk about the hard stuff," he said. All too well, considering he and his father still hadn't ever really talked about their grief. "My mom was always after us to speak up, though, even if we were scared. Especially if we were scared." It was only after her death that they'd all clammed up on each other. Sean and Drew had been lucky to have Serena and Ashley to help them deal with their grief. Justin had been lucky too--without Taylor by his side, he didn't know how he would have coped that first year.
But that wasn't the only thing Justin had been afraid to talk about--he and Taylor had never brought up their kiss. Not once since it happened. And he couldn't help but think that had been a mistake. A huge one. Because what if they'd both gotten it wrong? What if they'd wasted the past five years because neither of them had been brave enough to have a potentially difficult conversation?
He wouldn't bring it up tonight, not when he really did want to give Taylor some time to see how good they were together first. But he wouldn't wait much longer. He'd already waited so many years...
"So many times in the past few months," she said, breaking into his thoughts, "I've thought about trying to talk with my mom about the sister I never knew, but something always stops me."
Again, he nodded. "It's tough. I mean, my dad and I still haven't ever really talked about losing my mom. So I completely get where you are with it." But he hadn't gotten the full story about her ex yet, so he said, "Even though you thought it would worry your parents, you still broke up with Bruce."
She rubbed her neck, looking uncomfortable. "This is going to sound really lame after everything you and your family have been through, but the truth is that breaking up with Bruce was the scariest thing I'd ever done, because it meant I finally had to figure out how to live my own life on my own terms."
"You already knew how to do that," Justin argued.
"Not really. College was just another map someone else drew for me--take this class, graduate with this major, apply for this job. I thought I was being bold by staying in Palo Alto after graduation instead of moving back to Rochester, but even after I got the job in the lab and was living in College Terrace, it just didn't fit properly. None of it did until I came here." She dropped her hand from her neck, as though at last she'd reached the part of the story where she could relax. "Don't get me wrong, I'm totally flailing. Still trying like crazy to figure everything out long after I already should have. And probably screwing up more than I'm getting right. But I'm having fun. More fun than I've had since you left for Germany."
His eyebrows rose. That was quite an admission--that he'd been the most fun part of her life, until now, at least. "I haven't had much fun since then either. But today is a pretty great move in the right direction."
They smiled at each other, a moment filled with enduring friendship. But also, he could have sworn, something more. Something deeper, richer, sexier. Something Justin hoped Taylor wouldn't want to deny any more than he did.
The front bell chimed, and with the windows open, they could hear it in the garden. "That must be the pizza," she said. "I'll be right back."
"You've been running around all day. I'll get this." He left before she could argue and came back a few minutes later with the huge pizza box. "I figured we'd eat straight out of the box the way we always used to. No point in getting plates dirty."
Nodding, she flipped open the cover and grabbed a piece. Hot cheese dripped and fell onto the cardboard as she took a bite. "Mmmm. So good."
He had been about to grab his own piece, but the pleasure-filled sound she'd just made shifted his focus to an entirely different kind of hunger.
When she noticed he wasn't eating, she said, "Aren't you hungry?"
"Starved." So starved for her that he couldn't even think of reaching for pizza.
Her eyes locked with his again, and then she was suddenly shoving her chair back, her expression distinctly uncomfortable. "This pizza is making me really thirsty. I'd better get us some water, otherwise we're going to be chugging champagne. And we all know what a lightweight I am!"
Her laughter sounded slightly forced, and then she was hurrying off, obviously intent on putting some space between them for a few minutes.
Justin let out a low curse in the middle of the garden. So much for playing it cool and taking time to convince her they were perfect together. All he'd managed so far was to make her feel so uncomfortable that she ran away.
When she came back with the ice water, rather than drinking it, he would be better off dumping it over his head.
*
Taylor knew she couldn't keep hiding in the kitchen whenever her feelings for Justin got too big, too hot, too intense. All he'd said was that he was starved and she'd practically gone up in flames. Even though she very much doubted there had been any undertones or hidden meanings.
When Justin had asked her why she and her boyfriend had finally broken up, all of the reasons she'd given him were true, but she'd deliberately left out the biggest one: He wasn't you.
Back in college, she'd been too big a coward to let Justin know how she felt. Holding on to her boyfriend had meant that Justin would never consider her anything more than a friend--which also meant that he would never crush her heart if she confessed her feelings and he didn't return them.
Now, for the first time since their friendship began, they were both single. Four months ago, she might have decided this was her big chance to declare her feelings, and risk having her heart destroyed when he didn't return them.
But that was before her diagnosis. PKD cou
ld be so debilitating--according to her doctor, she'd been losing kidney function at warp speed these past few months--that unless she had a successful transplant, and soon, any crush she had on Justin, especially if he magically felt the same way, could be moot. He'd already lost his mother to a devastating disease. She couldn't let him risk loving another woman whose body was a ticking time bomb.
Reminding herself of all the reasons that being with Justin as more than a friend would never come to fruition helped settle her down as she filled a pitcher with ice water and grabbed two more glasses. This week was all about rekindling a precious friendship, nothing more. She wouldn't let herself get all hot and bothered again.
Feeling better, she went outside. "We were talking about Maddie when the conversation somehow steered off course. She told me a little bit about her restaurant work, and it sounds amazing."
"I'm really proud of her," he said with a grin. It was one of the things she loved most about him--how close he was to his siblings. "She's been working at a restaurant in the city, but I know she's also been trying her hand at baking on commission for some stores and businesses in the area."
"Everything she used to make when she was in high school was so good, I can't wait to see--that should be taste, actually--where she's taken her talent by now." Her slice of pizza was cold as she picked it up, but keeping reminders of heat to a minimum was for the best. "Tell me about Sean next. Although, since I've been seeing his photographs everywhere, I have a pretty good idea how he's doing, at least professionally."
"He's on fire." Justin took another slice out of the box. "We always knew he was talented, but it's nice that the rest of the world agrees. Seeing his work on the cover of National Geographic was epic. He tried to play it cool when he called to tell me, but then Serena grabbed the phone and couldn't stop bubbling over about it."